Just when I’m about to go Phuket..

fark… Just when I’m about to go Phuket, the swine flu thingie hits everywhere and continue spreading… damn… I hope they do not raise the containment order… Wah lao eh… WHY???  Hai.. not only more work but my trip is at stake… think really will get exhausted at work if not crazy…

damn low morale… nothing else to say…

Uniqlo & Swine flu

Brought estelle out for shopping over the weekend…  well, also because I want to go shopping… Went to Uniqlo at Tampines 1 and actually it wasn’t as big as the one I went in NY… but well, bought some things there and I think the price here is cheaper than that in NY… Probably Singapore nearer to Japan… Nowadays Estelle is getting very lazy when out… less than an hour and she wants me to carry her…

Anyway, it was packed at Uniqlo… it’s like everyone is grabbing something and on average, one customer spends about 100 cos’ I could observe while waiting for my turn to pay at the cashier…  Well, prob the hype will go away after a while ba…

And my weekend was kinda disturbed by calls from work… all I can say is, stupid swine flu… nearly had to go back to office but fortunately, no need… 

I remembered there was something which I read about global epidemic… It mentioned that it was a way of nature to so call ‘balance’ the population on earth… and also the survivors tend to be the ‘better and healthier’ ones as they are the ones that survived the epidemic… so future generations will be genetically immune to the diseases… something to that effect… Darwin’s theory of evolution I think… Hmm… 

Confirm more work to come with this swine flu thingie… Damn!

Looking at the pics/vids of Estelle…

Wow, Estelle really has grown… ever since she was a baby till a beautiful little girl now… my friends said that she has an uncanny resembalance to me… Hmm… wonder if she will grow to look like me when she’s older… I know when I show pics of myself when I was at her age and then her photos, ppl can’t tell the difference… Hee…

Hmm… I missed her… anyway, going to see her tonight… gg to have lots of fun again this weekend… think I bring her shopping tomorrow… hahaha… I want to go to uniqlo… :P dun know if they have anything for kids or not… hai, spend again…

Tension at home…

Hai… actually dun really like to be the middleman… I could feel the tension when I went for dinner with my family… Sthg happened at home a few days back and today was dinner to celebrate my mum’s birthday yesterday… I was the last one to reach cos’ I left office at 6 plus and I took public transport… When I reached the restaurants, everybody’s faces were damn black and long… I also dun know what happened…

So I tried to just talk about some light-hearted stuff but everyone seemed so quiet… aiyoh.. I think this time around, I just keep my own peace and let the tension just slowly loosen up… if not, later say something wrong, then worse…

Hmm… better stop here… I think I am addicted to the FB quizzes… Damn!!! hahaha… but they are really helpful in releasing stress… hiaks!

Presentation over…

Well, I prepared myself to kena left right centre up and down during the presentation… cos I can feel it coming… but well, not too bad, probably just kena one slap across and with all the new directions that was given and new dateline to work with, I think I will be damn bloody freaking busy… whahaha… as if I am not busy enough to work with 6 mths… now only given 3 months…

well, it’s Ivy so no matter how, sure be able to do it right?? Not too sure though…  Like I said before, it’s either make or break it… but if I dun go to Hell, who will go?  hahaha…

Slept at 11 plus last night… still not so bad… wasn’t really anxious about today’s presentation… whahaha… usually I will esp. when it’s really impt presentation… but well, I learnt to take it in stride and most imptly, you have to be sure and clear about your own stuff so can answer most questions posed… 

Hmm… sianz… fortunately I have my trip to Phuket!!!! 1 more month to go… and I will be wasting my time at Phuket for 9 whole days!!! whahaha… i think i will just sit there by the beach and nua (rot in Hokkien)… hahaha…

FB quizzes

Quizzes on Facebook are just so hilarious!!! whahaha… I think I took more than 10 in a go… I mean, the questions are damn funny and all… Took them for the fun of it…  okok, better go try and sleep already… tomorrow have a long day with an important presentation in the morning… ya, i think the comic relief just now really makes a difference… Hopefully not too stressed out in the morning… hahaha

work during weekends…

seriously, dun really like to work during weekends esp with estelle around… but no choice for last nite cos’ got to rush something urgent out… I mean, weekends are precious to me cos’ it’s time to be spent with my little estelle… thank god, I only need one amendment after boss went through my presentation once…

Estelle cried again when she went home tonight… she kept complaining that she has no one to play with when she is over at her daddy’s place… Then I told her how come at mummy’s place, I even had to take queue numbers to play with her… and she smiled cheekily and said that there are too many ppl to play with at my place… after that short moment of smiling, she started crying again… Hai, my heart always aches when she cries…

Think she may be falling sick because she started coughing on Friday night… had been feeding her medicine… and she didn’t like the medicine cos’ it’s bitter… and I tried all ways to get her to eat her medicine esp talking alot to her… my mum commented that I am really good to my daughter cos’ if it was her and children, she wouldn’t have the patience…

Work again tomorrow… another busy week… after that, another busy week… after that, another busy week… dun know when my holiday will be coming also… seems like so far away… hai… oh, i am going on a weeks’ leave in the first week of Jun to spend some time with Estelle too… can’t wait for that break with Estelle too… Hee…

Always rushing, for work that is…

Weekend and I still have to work at home… I thought I can rush it on Sunday night after I send Estelle back because had to send to boss for vetting on monday… But just received call from boss that I got to send to him by tomorrow… So aiyah, just rushed for him now and send to him so at least one less worry on work… Finished in an hour and fortunately Estelle is very cooperative and did not disturb me much… The most she will just come and talk to me for a while, asked me to draw something on her paper etc… Which is still not too bad because at least she doesn’t come and disturb me on my computer…

Managed to do sthg in 1 hour… and well, I bet there will be changes required in the slides… anyway, I am kinda fed up with the project that I am holding because seems like repeating everything to everyone… Everyone seems to be so bloody interested and wants the project to be brought forward and stuff like that… But hell, I am so up to my neck with my other work plus all the events and I still have to do this project, mostly on my own… oh ya, I still have the nametag project which is a bloody headache also… Hai… dun know how long I can last… really hope that my trip comes really quickly so that I can go and enjoy and not think about work for 9 bloody days…

Ok, enough about work… Had a talk with my best friend on Thurs night… He told me things that I didn’t really want to hear on my guy and myself… Still, I trust my guy… I know his feelings for me is not generated out of sympathy… Hai, didn’t expect my best friend to say all those things also… He told me to leave now before it’s too late… Eh, isn’t that what my head is telling me? 

But it’s Ivy and Ivy always listens to the heart and that is why Ivy is always the one losing out… But I guess that’s just me… I think it’s best for everyone for me to not think too much about it… my court date for my divorce case is set on 2nd June… That’s the D day and I really hope the judge can grant my application… I just dun wish to drag on anymore… It’s like a baggage that I have to carry if it doesn’t ends…

Told my guy about the court date because according to him, one main reason on why our relationship is still kept secret is because I’m still officially married.. I know many ppl will say that’s crap reason but well, I can see where he is coming from… After telling him the court date, he didn’t say anything because prob he didn’t think that it might come so quickly… and esp just after we had THE talk…

I believe the momentum of work for me has just started… even though I feel I am very busy, I know I will be even alot busier as time goes by till Dec… Well, I said it before, 2009 will be a screwed up year for me…

Feeling better…

I dun know how to explain it but feeling alot better… maybe it’s the talk last night but I dun understand why cos’ it didn’t really went well… Hmm… Truth hurts but at least, not lies right?  :P  Well… Anyway, viewed the photos I took at the museum… Estelle is really photogenic and she purposely didn’t look at the camera when I took her by the windows, no matter how many times I called out her name… hahaha…

Lehman Brothers Bond

Had a talk with him last night… Wasn’t really fruitful but at least I have some answers to the questions on my mind… though some questions are left unanswered, I roughly know what the answers are… The truth hurts… I told him that I dun ask questions for no reason and having the analytical mind, I can piece up all the answers and it helped me see where we are going to…

Probably now I think we should just go back to square one because in the end, we will end up in square one again… by then, there will still be the pending issues and the answers will still be the same… Blood is thicker than water… I am just the water which flows right in and probably easier to flow out off… just like water in a river… soon forgotten and doesn’t make a difference because the river will never run dry…

I am a lousy gambler… whatever I gambles, I will lose… life is a gamble and I always lost, I have never won… I am also a stubborn gambler… it’s like your guts tell you that the red will never win but still die die put on the red, hoping that your guts are just turned upside down because of some other reasons like lousy food taken earlier etc…

A friend commented ‘why are you still holding onto the Lehman Bros Bond?’  Maybe that’s just me… well, it’s not the real bonds but he was referring to my current relationship… when I clearly know that nothing will come out of it but why am I still holding on to it? 

He thinks that I like to show off to others that I have a boyfriend… but point is, it’s not like as if I like to show off but the reason I tell my friends about us is because I wanted to share the happiness with them… I was really happy that I had found someone who could be there for me and whom I really cared for… I told him that there is nothing proud about having a boyfriend because I could easily find one if I want to… and prob I wouldn’t even tell my friends about a boyfriend if I was just having a fling…

the last question I asked him was if I were to disappear one day, just leave and never appear again, how will he feel… his answers were dribs and drabs but what I make out of his answers is he will prob be upset and feel lost because I was part of his life but I am not someone so impt that it’s going to take a long time to recover… If I were to leave, it will be easy for him to adjust being single again… it’s hurting to hear his answers and I had to piece up the short answers here and there with the extra probing and all…

So now, it’s back to square one… unless I choose to leave… this is really testing my limits… when will enough is enough be?  I guess that will be when it hurts more than the love… I’m kinda curious how this will end… I told him what the ending will be in prob a year’s time… but seriously I dun think I have the confidence to last that long… it’s been 2 years… so as usual again, I will have to bring down the level of limit testing… back to square one again which is to take it as if the relationship is new… so when a relationship is new, you dun really think that far ahead… this is just to buy time for myself, before I reach my limits… as long as I detach my feelings from him and this relationship, I dun see how I can reach my limits.. But thing is, if I were to do that, I am afraid that I may come to a point where I have to choose if another guy comes along because it’s just like dating… and I think that’s being unfair to him which is why I keep harping on this issue for so long…

Do I really mean nothing to him?  Or let me rephrase as that sentence is unfair to him… Do I really mean so little to him?  Actually the answer doesn’t matters because point is, I can’t change how he feels about me… I had done my best in this relationship and put in whatever efforts I think deemed fit… I am not sure if I am really a lousy girlfriend or what? 

AAaaarrrrrggggghhhHHHH!!!! Should I stay or should I go? Head says ‘Leave before it’s too late’  Heart says ‘Love conquers all’… Damn!

1st trip to the Singapore National Museum

Well, it wasn’t my first trip but Estelle’s first trip… Dun think she will do well in her history classes next time cos’ she was not interested at well in the history gallery… But she was in the FASHION gallery… whahahaha… it was a challenge to bring her to the museum.. because she was loud with all her crazy laughters and her running around and me chasing after her cos’ she thought the routes were like a maze with tunnels leading to the monsters’ lair and also trying to stop her itchy fingers from touching the exhibits… whahaha…

And she was kinda lazy with walking and wanted me to carry her most of the times… Took a few pictures of her looking really sweet by the old windows and stuff… will post it soon when I find time to upload the photos…

While we were in the fashion gallery, she saw this flower bracelet from the 60s I guess, and she said she wanted that and asked me to take it for her… Well, I told her that I can’t cos’ I’m not the curator or what and she used her teddy bear to slam the glass panel… I nearly fainted… distracted her with the other pretty clothings exhibit and finally she relented…

Though she was loud in most of the galleries, I think so far, no other patrons had glared at us… most of them were smiling and commenting how pretty she is and how we looked like each other… hahaha…

Think probably she will be in the fashion line next time.. if not, think her fashion sense will be good… hee… it was fun though… prob the next time I bring her there will be when she’s a year older and hopefully she will be less hyper and more interested… hmm, maybe try the art gallery, confirm she is going to make lots of funny comments about the paintings… hiaks!!

lasted 6 days…

6 days of no real contact with my guy… last nite, couldn’t take it cos was thinking do I really mean nothing to him… so msged him that… hai… but he did reply and it was a positive reply… there were a few messages exchanged and he called me… I din’t pick up the call because I was afraid that what he wants to say may be what I didn’t want to hear… after that, I decided to call him instead cos’ I really really missed him and wanted to hear him… his familiar voice and all…

he picked up and we talked for a while… didn’t talk on the issue of being the phantom gf though… cos’ I want to leave that till after his exams… basically we just talk about how we missed each other and the incident last week when he called me many times but I didn’t pick up his call… He actually drove down to the location however he didn’t know which pub I was in… and he said he didn’t reply to my first msg which I wished him good luck for his paper cos’ he was still kinda pissed off about that incident… I was quite shocked that he actually drove there and prob wanted to talk to me…

anyway, for now, we will just wait after his exams before we do some actual heart-to-heart talk… Kinda glad that he called me this morning and sent me to work… think he really misses me cos’ he kept looking at me this morning… Hee…

5 days

ok, it’s been 5 days but like I said, it feels like years… anyway, msged him again to find out about when he finishes his exams… he did reply however it was very ambivalent, like msg between friends… so I guess that’s another hint as to what the answer is going to be…

shouldn’t have msged him… even though I know the answer, there is just some hope in me that it might be a happy ending rather than what i am expecting it is going to be…

Estelle was helpful in spending her time with me, even though I had to take queue numbers to play with her again… wanted to bring her to the museum today however did not manage to borrow the car from my bro so did not go cos’ I’m afraid that she will get cranky after travelling on public transport and also after walking miles at the museum… so I postponed the trip to next week i guess… tot maybe bring her there to increase her awareness and interests in the arts/history etc…  hmm, think she will be an arty farty kinda person… hiaks! cos’ she loves music and drawing and dancing…

anyways, I took part in the monopoly challenge and even though I won at my table (the other participants at my table were guys), my wealth wasn’t enough to make it to the top 64… I only managed to get 73K in total of cash and assets.. I guess it’s kinda unfair cos’ the 3 guys i played with were playing for so many rounds together and prob they knew each other so they could have conspired… oh well… better luck next year…

I missed him… what esle is there to say?

3 days…

3 days had past since we last contacted… felt like 3 months… hmm, guess he must be doing fine since he didn’t try to contact me… couldn’t compare to the past because in the past I contacted him prob just a day after… then again, i did msg him yesterday but he din reply… Anyways, got a sixth sense that this is going to turn out bad so… no point talking about it since I had already been bawling over it… And I thought we could cross our 2 year mark as a couple… well, life is unpredictable…

tomorrow I’m participating in the Monopoly Challenge… my bro was asking me the other time if I wanted to take part cos’ he was thinking of taking part… so I agreed to accompany him… anyway, will not make it to semi finals also… I’m just an average player… just play for fun nia… moreover I registered quite some time ago… even though I just dun feel like the fun anymore cos’ well, things happened in my relationship.. but I guess just go and at least, will not think about him for that few hours… and picking Estelle after tat, so my weekends covered…  then it’s monday again and it starts all over again… should be quite busy at work also.. hopefully wun miss him too much… and also next week is long weekend so prob estelle will be with me for 3 days… so at least next weekend is taken care of… Hmm… I dun even know when is his last paper… if I’m not wrong, should be mid Apr…

take my mind off..

I think I should just take my mind off on thinking what is going to happen and immerse myself on the other aspects of life… like work and more work as usual… doesn’t feel so bad when I am busy but once there is time to think again, this issue just pops back into my mind… hai…

What will be, will be… What will not be, will never be… I know this lesson and I should be more optismistic about the whole issue… I am very sure that in the end, I will finally know where I stand in his life… well, from now till then, life goes on and I just can’t keep being in the depressed state because I am sure I will slip into depression real soon if I carry on like this…

So well… I’ve been through hell and back… this is nothing compared to what I went through in my previous marriage… Yes, my friends, I am starting to crawl out of the deep pit again… though it might be an imagination that I am in the pit, still, I am trying to crawl out of it, in case, he really boot me into the pit much later…  Hmm..

I think my friends had enough of my self-pity… and I guess I am having enough of it too… life is too short to be depressed…

I dun want to give an impression that I dun care about this relationship because if I dun, I wouldn’t even want to bring the issues up… I do care but I need some directions in the relationship… because if I dun, I get confused and if confused, I get hurt… So I guess it’s time for me to find out the truth and from there, to move on, either with or without him…

Do I really mean nothing to him?

I’m weak… Hai… Msged him this afternoon to wish him good luck for his exams… But till now, he didn’t even reply a word of thanks… but it’s okay, cos’ I was the one who asked him not to contact me… but felt the urge to do it cos’ firstly, i missed him very much and secondly, i was the one who put him through this trying time right before his exams… Hai… was kinda hoping he replied but expected that he wun reply…

Feel so stupid doing it… Why can’t I just hold out the cold turkey period?  I can’t be soft like how I used to in the previous showdowns… to go back to him again thinking that things will turn out fine… hai, i am really so useless…

Feeling really low… very low already… each day passes so slowly like as if they were years… it’s only 2 days… dun know how long i can hold out…

maybe i really mean nothing to him, that is why there is no action from him… what’s new… i always mean nothing to all my guys… feeling damn shitty again… why wun the tears run out quickly?

Finally had some undisturbed sleep last night…

I think the melatonin helped… but I guess it’s also because I was really tired by the end of the day with swollen eyes… Though I didn’t sleep really early (I slept at 1.30am), I felt refreshed in the morning… and I did not wake up in between my sleep… it was pure sleep throughout…

I’m trying to tell myself that it is of no point to think about what is going to happen or what he is going to say because I really wun know till he contacts me again after his exams… it’s not like we broke up or what but still, it’s kinda hard to prepare myself for the worst… to break the routine of not seeing each other almost every other day, to not having someone close for comfort, to not having someone to share the innermost feelings… it really feels shitty… i guess these 2-3 weeks will be a good time to get used to it… so if things dun work out, at least wun feel that shitty… but if things work out, it’s a bonus i guess…

Feeling not as crappy as yesterday… still, the empty feeling in the heart is present… as if some part of the heart had been ripped out… probably that’s what they described as heartbroken?

Still hurts…

It still hurts even after one day… I went to work as usual but wasn’t in the right frame of mind to work… still, life goes on and I had to put up a strong front to just carry on with my daily work… it’s already tough on normal days when I’m in a happy mood, so i guess you guys know how extra tough it is for me to go through today…

He didn’t call me or msg me… cos’ probably I told him not to last night… But seriously I was hoping that he would turn up at my void deck this morning to intercept me before I go to work on my own… But I didn’t see him… I was also hoping that he would intercept me outside my office after work, but he didn’t…

I even imagined how the conversation will be like.. he would give me a hug and tell me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him… and that we will definitely work things out and not live in hiding anymore…

But it didn’t happen… In fact, I hope he is doing fine and taking it well.. I hope he is not hurting as much as I am hurting… I can’t bear to know that he’s hurting as much…

I’m preparing myself for the worst… which is for him to say ‘i love you, but not enough for me to go through what may come if we reveal our relationship to others’… and that eventually we go our own seperate ways…

I hope I can take it by then… and hope that i can pull through… but of course, i am hoping that things will turn out fine… I guess this time around, I will finally get to know how much I meant to him…