It’s hurting…

Msged my guy last night… Told him that I’m really tired of our relationship, about the whole issue of keeping our relationship secret to the whole world and he just living his own life without including me in it… I just can’t wait till he finished his exams to tell him… it’s been bugging me for the past week…

Told him that I need to have some answers… that he will have to give me an answer after his exams… I guess this is the ultimatum… I can’t just keep on holding onto us, hoping that things will turn out for the best… I can’t keep on waiting for him to be ready to tell his family and friends about us… we will be 2 years in May… 2 years… 

It’s hurting so much… I dun know if I can let it go… but I guess I can’t wait for another 2 years again… previously he did say that he will bring our relationship to light once my divorce is final… but then again, it’s not as if I’m not going through the divorce or I’m gg back to my ex… the divorce is being processed and that takes time…

It’s hurting too much till I can’t write anymore…

at a friend’s pub.

my friend just commented that I shoud date more often… hahaha… so funny.. now at a friend’s pub to console his breakup.. but I think he is doing well.. so guess my trip here is wasted..

he did ask about my current relationship.. he says I’m a ’small moman’.. am I??? I dun think so.. I guess roughly I know how to go about my current relationship.. He told me that in the end, I will still carry on… But I got a feeling that I am going to phuket on my own..

I deserve better dun I???? not to say that my current bf is not good.. but… it’s not like as if I am having an affair with him, so what is he afraid of to reveal the our relationship..

He always say that I’m not pretty enough, my skin is not clear enough, I’m not skinny enough.. I think that pretty spells up everything..

I need my booze.. had crappy time at work these 2 days…

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pissed off at work… AAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Pulling out hair* needless to say much…

FF VIII

Final Fantasy VIII is probably one game that RPG players are familiar with… I think previously I had never played any RPG games before and FF VIII was one of my firsts..  And I loved it… I think it’s the best game that I had played so far…

Not only the game sequences and battle fights are good, the storyline was superb… Well, what do you expect from a hopeless romantic like me?  hahaha… kinda thought of FF VIII again after chatting with a friend… hahaha… I played it like 10 years ago… though I did not complete it (I was stuck at the last disc), the first 3 discs was enough to make me cry over the love that Squall and Rinoa had for each other…

I still remember there is this sequence when Rinoa was lost in space and she was running out of air… Even though she was dying, she had Squall in her mind and she held onto the pair of rings (attached to a chain on her neck) which Squall had given to her… And that kept her going on for another few minutes without air before Squall finally rescued her… Wow… how sweet is that huh…

Seriously I dun mind playing it again… just to relive those days and nights when I couldn’t stop playing just to reveal more of the story… I guess I couldn’t complete it was because I was too eager to find out on the story and didn’t train up my characters before fighting the big bosses… hiaks!!

After I discovered FF VIII, I continued playing FF… I completed FF IX and didn’t finish X2 cos’ it kinda sucks… Did not play any FF after X2… Well, I still can’t forget about the eight installation… hiaks!!!  Wouldn’t it be nice if I was Rinoa?  Though I thought Quistis was much more like me… more calm and garang… hahaha…

clearer now…

Spent a night out with a friend and finally, things are a bit clearer right now after some talking and some soul searching… I know now why there are mixed feelings with regards to my relationship… though I have been saying that I shouldn’t push my guy into a realm whereby he will be very uncomfortable in, deep down, I guess I needed some answers…

Answers to why I am still the ‘phantom’ gf after so long etc… I know he is not a player in the field and that he will remain true to me while we are together even though it’s not ‘official’… But like I said, there isn’t any gf status for me so I finally knew that is the main reason which is causing me to feel the way I am feeling right now…

well, it’s march now… so I guess I will still give him some time till May to give me a definite answer ba… definite answer as in whether our relationship should still be a deep & dark secret or be revealed to at least those who are closed to us… actually on my side, my family and friends already know it but it’s only on his side…

A close friend called me to say that he had broken off with his gf yesterday… Hai… Maybe meet up with him these few days to counsel and comfort him ba… Always feel sad to hear all these as usual…

Am I a free spirit?

After reading what my bosom friend Becky had commented on my previous blog, I kinda think back about myself and relationships… Am I actually a free spirit?  Or a person who is looking into serious committments?  I thought I was a person who is constantly looking into serious committments because seriously I was just like her, esp during my secondary & JC years.. Whenever I felt that the guy is not the one I may want to spend my life with, I will reject him on the onslaught… Only if I feel that he may be ‘The One’, then probably will go further into BGR… And when I am in the relationship, I am really into it… totally committed…

But there was a period of time when I was not attached, just dating whoever I wanted to, going out with my friends without feeling guilty about it… I wun say that I dun enjoy that but there is a downside to this… When I needed someone to be there for me, there is no special someone to cuddle up with me… Should I say, there is no exclusive person to be with me…

I am sure in life, I am a free spirit… wun say that in love though… Because since young, I had been very independant… I dun miss home even if I am away of it… not saying that my home is not a warm retreat but more of, not afraid of venturing out alone… I even wanted to work overseas… hiaks! 

So in love, hmm… I was happy & committed when I was married… but even so, it didn’t turned out right… so should I stick to what my life is about - to be a free spirit instead?  If there is a committment, there bound to be hurt…

I guess I just take things slow… and slowly to find out what I actually want… seriously no point asking my guy where he sees us in the future too because at the moment, if he is say that eventually we will get married, I guess I wun say yes too… I’m afraid of marriage now… once bitten, twice shy… I am kinda sure that I did ask him before if he had any plans for himself, like plans to get married by how old or to have children by when etc, cos’ if I can’t fulfil it for him, my advice was for him to leave me…

I see how it goes… take a step at a time with him… I am sure he isn’t the type who doesn’t think about the future too…

Confused…

Well, the title spells it… Feeling confused with matters concerning the heart… A friend asked me if my guy is the one… It didn’t take me long to reply no… Probably because like what I have said, I am not confident about the relationship and he too is not confident about it… I mean, though we may share similar thoughts about things, we are both so different…

It made me think what is the reason for us holding onto it… I wun say that I dun have feelings for him, I do… but the feeling that I have now is exactly the same as what I felt for my third guy… It’s like I have no confidence in the relationship at all… it’s like since we are happy together, just be together… but I’m afraid it may reach a point whereby I have to decide again… decide to stay on or to let go… I chose previously to let go of my third guy because I knew that if I stayed, eventually we will not be together so why not try on someone new whom I think I have a higher chance to be together?  But I guess I made the wrong decision to leave because in the end, things dun turn out right with my hubby… but I guess I wouldn’t know which will turn out right because if I had chosen to stay, I may not end up with my third guy happily ever after too… Hmm…

sometimes I do think about ‘What if’s?  Hahaha, even though I tell my friends dun think about that because it never happened.. so it doesn’t matter what ifs because time will never turn back around for you to choose the other option and to find out the ’what ifs’…

My guy is a nice guy and I really dun wish to hurt him… Hmm, maybe I should start asking him those questions which he always turn away like ‘So where do you see us in the future?’ kinda stuff… then he will start getting confused too… hiaks!  Hmm, will see how… will find the right time to ask him though…

Do I look like someone’s mistress?

Jia lat… My guy commented that I look like the type whom guys will want to take as a mistress… Dun know is compliment or insult… He said that probably it’s because of my dressing cos’ nobody’s wife dresses like the way I do… *faint*… But I think those who knows me know that I dun dress the way a typical woman dresses mah… I like my own sense of weird style… hahaha… I guess the way I dress prob earns me the title of ‘Hot mama’, ‘Sexy Mei Nu’ etc…

Well, I kinda knows what men thinks when they give me that kinda looks or stares… They are probably thinking ‘Man, if I can get in her pants’ which translates to men wanting to have a piece of me that kinda thing… I guess the only person who dun think that is my guy cos’ previously we were friends for a number of years (before we got together) and he didn’t even care to take a short look at me… hahaha… Then again, my dressing during my early years were more reserved, however guys still gawked at me if I am wearing buttoned shirts… hahaha… Well, he didn’t… so… nvm… He only gawks at other girls but not me… sianz… maybe we see each other so often until he’s bored looking at me… hiaks! 

I have a gathering tomorrow with my excolleagues… I am going to ask the rest if I look like someone’s mistress… Damn!  Anyway, even if they say I do, I dun really bother… Not as if I am going to change the way I dress…

Oh, I told my guy that anyway, nothing wrong with me looking like one cos’ he is treating me like one, I’m the phantom gf mah, like a kept woman which is similar to mistress… hahaha…

Coldplay even though sick…

Went for Coldplay’s concert last night… IT WAS GREAT!!! can’t explain but the money spent on the tix was worth it… went with a group of friends and though it was a small group, I think we enjoyed the concert very much… I mean, I expected it to be great cos’ they are my fav band mah… whahaha…

Had been sick these few days… hopefully can recover soon… didn’t see the doc cos’ have been self-medicating… can’t afford to get sick because alot of work as usual… can’t wait for my trip in May… Hai… still got 2 months to go… 2 months of slogging before my 9 day break… after the break, more slogging… Damn!

Yesterday met up with another long lost friend… haven’t seen each other for years and he could not even recognise me… hiaks!  as usual… anyway, it was great to catch up with old frens and talk about old times…

oh, yesterday while at the concert, had a talk with one of my friends.. Just to sum it all, to him (if he is reading which I doubt so), just be yourself… doesn’t matter how other ppl think and you dun have to change to suit others… you got to love yourself before others love you… and have lots of confidence in yourself because if you dun, it shows…

been busy so not much blogging… will try my best to blog whenever I can… hiaks!

B

Yes, it’s confirmed that I got the B… at least my work has not gone un-noticed… as for the promotion, I have 0% hope in it cos’ was only promoted in 2007 so dun think it will be so quick to the next promotion… hopefully I continue to get a B next year… actually quite stress to get B also because if you get a C next year, means you have a drop in grade which is no good… once drop in grade, no chance for promotion… hahaha…

Had been really busy… and a week just passes so quickly… Yay, tonight will get to see Estelle again… But had not been feeling good these few days and I think I am going to fall sick… I think i pushed myself too hard at work.. now having a sore throat… got to be careful with Estelle when she’s over… no kiss kiss and no sharing of food… can’t wait to see her, she is my comfort… hee…

Work, work and more work… When will it end????

Dun know when I will break down… or should I say go crazy, over work… hahaha… the other time was talking to my colleagues and were talking about some Head being very irritating… as my boss is not around, I was covering him so was supposed to represent him to attend one of the Heads meeting… Then we were talking that I should, during the meeting, to just bang the table and tell that irritating Head to just shut the mouth up… whahaha… then after that, pull out my head like some crazy fellow… Confirm my big boss will then take me out of my post and put me to do special duties… whahaha… It will be a sight if it really happens… anyway, we were just talking about the different scenerios how I could show that I am really overworked… whahaha…

I have so much work and the number of guys under me is being cut… not only my staff being cut, but I heard rumours saying that our pay will be cut due to poor economic growth… aiyoh… really recession liao lor… Hai… more work, less pay…

Guess I will just have to learn how to RELAX - TAKE IT EASY… whahaha… easy to vocalise, difficult to realise… oh, now stressed too… because everybody is awaiting the results of their grading this year… whether A, B, C, D, E… whahaha… Hopefully I get a B this year cos’ I got a B last year… Hai, it’s hard to say because everyone is so compeititive… sianz… I can only pray hard… whahahaha… Doesn’t matter, it’s only an alphabet isn’t it?  Whether you get an A for Apple or E for elephant… hiaks, they should have eyes up there… as long as I do my work, I should be able to get at least a C… 1 more day before the grades are release, just wait ba…

I think I am becoming more and more like a zombie at work… It’s scary… hiaks!

So sad to see Estelle cry again…

Just sent Estelle over to her Daddy’s house… Accompanied her for about 45 mins and when I left, she was crying again… She kept saying ‘Dun go Mummy!’.. Aiyoh, so sad leh… When I see her cry, I feel like crying myself… Dun know why she has seperation anxiety again… I know she didn’t want to cry on purpose because she was trying to hold her tears but just couldn’t…

She told me over the weekend that she always play by herself at her Daddy’s house… I asked her why and she replied that Daddy and grandmother dun play with her as they do their own things, so she got to play with herself… so maybe that’s the reason why she likes to come over cos’ she always had so many ppl to play with over here… when she comes over, she is so popular that we have to queue up to play with her… haha, I mean, she will forget that I am around and play with my mum and stepdad or my bro and gf… only if they are not around, then she will play with me… But though she looks for them to play, occasionally she will still come into my room to see if I am around… She is really cute…

Missed her already… But no worries cos’ had been really busy at work and so time passes really quickly… and then I will get to see her again… I guess Estelle is my lifeline cos she’s the main reason that I am still living today… She just makes my day everytime she’s with me, even though I may be feeling down or upset, but when I see her, I just feel happy and contented that I have her with me… maybe that’s how all mothers feel ba…

didn’t know I still have the charms… + Orgas cake success!!!!

sometimes I just wonder why other women will think that I am interested/trying to snatch their boyfriends away… I mean I am not even acting close to them when I am talking to the guys… I know how to keep my distance unless they are really close friends but even so, I know how to behave… also, I am not into that, I know how it feels having a partner being snatched away by other women so I dun think I will hurt other women by snatching their partners away… I think it’s cruel…

Anyway, the other night when I found out that someone thought I wanted to go after her guy, I was speechless… I mean oh god, her guy is not even handsome… Maybe she felt that I was a threat… Wow, I didn’t know that I can be a threat, I mean it’s not like as if I’m a sex symbol or a sexy and beautiful woman… I am just me, a bit rough somemore, like a guy… hiaks!!  Moreover, I’m old liao lor… it’s not like as if I am still young and beautiful… hahaha…

So far so good, not much ppl trying to pick me up because of my ‘black’ face… I mean, not literally black, but my unfriendly-without-a-smile face… hahaha… All I get are just stares from the male species… I guess it sure takes alot for guys to walk up to me and try to say something smart because most times, they say something idiotic… whahaha… The worst place to get picked up is in pubs because most probably it will end with a one-night stand or the guy is drunk enough to think you are pretty… whahaha… Let me see, I think I dun get much pick ups in the pubs because I always go drinking with guy friends… hahaha… most times when men approaches (not in pubs), they are sober… whahahaha…

I think I am getting fat though… I think I should start exercising again by next week… my NIKE+ wristband is going bonkers again… Sigh, think I should start charging it everyday…

Oh ya, my orgas cake trial no 3 is a SUCCESS!!!!! I dare to say that it is comparable to Bakerzin’s and mine is better than most that I have tried at the restaurants… whahahaha!!!!!! I know exactly when the cake is cooked enough however still have the liquid chocolate in interior… Anyway, the orgas cake is known as chocolate fondant… but I like to call it my ORGAS cake cos’ everytime I eat the cake (crispy crust plus soft cake wall plus the liquid chocolate), I will have the same feeling as if I am orgasing… whahaha… I DID IT!!!!! I’m experienced and an expert le… whahahaha… I am good this time around cos’ I suck at baking… I think this is the first time I am successful in baking something from scratch (not using those ready-mix powders etc)… really happy that I can do it with the perserverance… hahaha… Not bad Ivy!!!

lonely weekend

Man, dreading this weekend because it’s going to be a lonely weekend… Just me and myself and I… It’s Friday night and I got no programs… Hai… But it’s alright… I think nowadays feel tired really easily and sleep early… Didn’t take melatonin last night and was able to fall asleep in 5 mins… Hmm, boring… maybe I will trial my orgas cake later… hahaha… see how ah…

can’t go jogging or tanning because can’t tie my hair… went for rebonding a few days ago so to ensure all is well, can’t tie my hair, can’t go swimming… if I can’t tie my hair, I can’t go jogging or tanning with my hair flying around right??? Damn…

Hate it when my boss not around… Hmm… got news that will receive grading result soon… my boss previously said he dun know my grade cos’ he wasn’t around when the grading was done but well… I dun expect an A or a B… If I got a C, I also happy… hahaha… the other day, my colleague mentioned that I should get an A since I am doing so much other ppl’s things so their grades should go to me and I should accumulate all and get an A… whahahaha… so funny… but kinda true isn’t it?  :P what to do… everything also kena arrow… everytime ppl see me at meetings for certain events, they will always ask the same question : How come you are here???  It’s like they never expect me to be involved and everytime I give them the same answer : When does it not involved me???  then I give a ‘Hai’… hahaha… if I not in good mood, I will just answer with a shrug… hahaha… always kena this and that until my work also no time to do… HOW TO MEET DATELINES???? sianz…

Finally got my laptop internet connection working

Finally my internet connection is working at home… The other day brought my laptop to work for my colleague to help me find out what the hell was the problem because Toshiba’s technical officer could not help me either… Went to fast food restaurant with wireless lan and I could connect to wireless SG so it cannot be the problem with my laptop… well, what the hell… at least it is working now… if not, got to reformat the whole bloody thing again… hate that… hai…

anyway, had been really busy… will be busy this 2 weeks too cos’ boss is overseas and I got to cover him… can’t wait to go for my trip before I start working real hard on my events… though I am working real hard on the other stuff now but well, a break will do me real good…

Estelle will not be with me this weekend cos’ she will be with her daddy celebrating her grandmother’s birthday… She’s also sick with her coughing but glad that she is still very active and sounded alright over the phone… Hmm… what should I do this weekend??  think I will just rot at home ba… boring… my guy should not be free too, he is always really busy de… I think maybe this weekend I should try making the orgas cake again… for the 3rd time and hope I master it by then… hahaha… Hai, see how lah…

think I go get stoned and catch some tv… had been taking melatonin to sleep and once taken, kinda knock out… I will stop once I get used to falling asleep quickly… hiaks…