Grass is brown…

I dun know if you guys had noticed it but recently, I dun see green anymore… the grass is brown and the trees are also brown in colour… Hasn’t been raining for the past 2 weeks if I remembered it correctly… Can’t remember when it rained… Everyday, it looks like it is going to rain, but in the end, no raindrops fell… Seeing brown also makes me feel down… aiyoh, it rhymes, Brown down, down brown… sianz…

Received a birthday gift from my bro and gf… Wow, personalized one leh… it’s a RED IPOD shuffle… it’s part of the RED movement whereby some proceeds will be donated in aid of Aids research & awareness… And there is engraving on the IPOD also… Quite cool and the red is nice too… not some dull red but bright red and shiny… Hee… They got it for me because I think they must have think that I am quite pathetic cos still using radio receiver… so thought of getting me this so that I can use it while I go jogging… Haven’t been jogging religiously since July last year… Aiyoh, fat already liao… Hai…

I totally need a break… Told my mum about my 9D/8N trip to Phuket, Patong Beach… She then replied how come I go to the place that the tsunami hit… Aiyoh, old thinking leh… anyway, after that, she asked me who I am going with then I told her I am going alone… She freaked out after hearing that… Saying how come go alone ah, so dangerous, blah blah blah… Assured her that I will be extra careful since I am going alone… Well, the beach I am going will be a busy one so no worries lor… Hmm… I really need this break in May, if not, bound to go crazy… just go there and relax… Then she was also saying how come I am staying for so long so told her that I needed this rest and also hotel rates are cheap mah… hahaha, telling her to inform her, not getting her permission… I mean, I am old enough right???  hahaha… Getting a new passport cos’ my passport expiring… fortunately found out before I book the air ticket so got to wait till my passport is approved.. Can’t wait for this long deserved break…

He got me a present…

Well, he did… Hee… It’s nice and thoughtful of him also… It’s an anklet… He remembered that I lost mine so he got one for me to replace it… So sweet hor… Hee… And this year, he got a card for me too… Hee… Can’t wait to give him the present I prepared for him… Hahaha… He is going to get a huge surprise… Shhh, cannot say yet… :P  Wah, smart of him also… cos’ everytime I see the anklet, it will remind me of him… Hiaks…

The other night met up with him to go for dinner cos’ haven’t seen him for quite some time since CNY… When we met up, out of nowhere, he gave me a peck and wished me ‘happy birthday!’… Hee.. So sweet de… Aiyoh, cannot take it… I was smiling the whole night, I must be looking like a happy, blushing girl de… :P 

Going to have dinner with my family for birthday celebration, mine and my stepfather’s… I just told him that I want to invite him and asked him if he wishes to go… But I doubt so cos’ I feel that he will always not be ready to come out into light as long as I am not officially divorced… Hmm… Dun blame him also… Anyway, asked him so he will know that I am ready to introduce him to my family… It’s been quite some time since we are together so… Well, take a step at a time ba… No worries…

Doesn’t pay to be too trusting…

sometimes it just doesn’t pay to be too trusting… I should have been more careful in supervising and not think that everything will be alright as it is… I guess not everyone has the brains to care for themselves…

When everything goes wrong, everybody starts pushing the blame to everyone else and said ‘I told you so’ kinda thing…

And it sucks to be apologizing for things that I didn’t do but for things that some other person did when I thought he would have enough brains to know what he is doing… And not only to apologize, now I got to answer for what he had did… I will say I am kena played out… F**k sia… How come I keep having the worst of luck???  When can my luck turn???  Damn…

Have Faith In Us…

Wrote something quite some time ago for my special guy… It was not easy as each sentence contains the same number of words for each paragraph… I guessed he was impressed by it, in a way… not sure if I am the first one to write him a poem… hahaha… but used to write for the special guys in my life… Yes, remember?  I am a hopeless romantic… Hiaks!!! Man, I am turning 30 in 2 days time… I got another reminder from Immigration that I am getting old : got to change the NRIC soon… Hai…

Have Faith In Us

Loggerheads at first sight

Definitely not best of friends

You were one of the boys

I was just one of you guys too

Time passed, things changed

No longer the same me

I could not breathe or live  

Nothing worse could happen, unless I am dead

What is true love?

I had the perfect answer

And I had trust in it

But it was betrayed, not within my control

And you were there

Supporting and encouraging poor me

Even though we were just friends

You shown what love could be, with u

The going is tough

Obstacles at high speed ahead  

We are so unique, so different

Will we be perfect? Will we be right?

We are so afraid

So afraid to fall again

I failed once, can’t fail again

Will you go through all, everything with me?

The future is bleak

I know you love me

You know I love you too

Can our love bring us through all odds?

Love is great strength

I hope we pull through

Come what may, you complete me

Have faith in you and me, in us…

What is Love? Chapter 66 & 67

Ok, I will stop at Chapter 67 because still can’t reveal who the next guy is… Hmm… No more chapters of my story for now… Wow, it’s actually a full year of posting isn’t it? 

No surprises from the new guy for my birthday and doubt there will be any… Dun even know if he gotten me any present wor… Hai… So sad…

Chapter 66

In the first place, why regret to his own decision?  Also, as he refused me to put the part of story of B* in the statement of facts in the divorce plan, my request for divorce may not be strong enough case for the judge to rule divorce.  So I said, to be fair to everyone and to not put blame on any party, we will go for separation and backdate to the day I moved out.  He refused.  He said by the time, which is 2 years later; Estelle will be older and know what is going on.  I knew what his real reason for not waiting.  He can’t wait to marry B*.  We are not staying together now and Estelle clearly knows that Daddy and Mummy are not together so does it make a difference if we divorce now or 2 years later?  I hate his guts for being a coward in love.  If you love someone and plan to marry her, just say it.  Just tell me that you plan to marry her soonest and I will understand.  Why is it so difficult?  And why resort to finding lame excuses?  This I still cannot figure out.  Why hide your love when you had already chosen her?  When it is so clear to everyone? 

Like I said, I am a accommodating person.  As long as you talk nicely to me, I will not be unreasonable.  Just want to get this divorce over and done with.  The day after, T* called me and he agreed to my terms, because to all sane people, my terms for the maintenance is reasonable because definitely much more reasonable than that of the lump sum.  Everyone should know that the probability that I will get married again is 99.99%.   Then again, he changed his mind again.  As usual, I always give in to him because I just don’t wish to drag things on.  Eventually we settled for S$7/- per month for life, until I remarry or dies. 

All the conditions had been agreed upon and now only awaiting for the papers to be filed.  T* and I are just acquaintance and we only communicate if we need to talk about Estelle.  I guess we do not really have much to talk about anyway since we are leading our own lives now.  The only person that intertwines us together is Estelle.  So therefore, as long as Estelle is around, we will have to communicate and accommodate with each other.  I am glad that T* understands that too.  There are no quarrels or anything anymore because there is nothing to quarrel about.  This is good and I really pray that it stays this way. 

It is only a matter of time and finding the suitable person.  A person whom I am compatible with.  A guy who will accept me for who I am, with all my flaws and my strengths.  A man who will not forget about the things that I had done for the relationship and will be doing for the relationship.  Someone who is patient and will tolerate if I am not doing so well in the relationship.  One who will support and lend a hand whenever I am down and encourage me to be a better person always.  Of course, I will have to be the vice versa person to him too. 

Chapter 67

I do not know if the someone will be my next husband.  It’s just so scary to even think of marriage now because my confidence in marriage is zero percent.  Probably as time goes by, my confidence in marriage will slowly increase, one percent at a time.  Well, because the someone is a mystery, I hope I can reveal who he is by the time I post this chapter.  Currently I am still with him. 

I’m happy right now.  I did not expect to find someone new so quickly but the more you try to avoid, the more it will come.  The more you wish that the next one will be easy and smooth for you but the rougher it will be.   

I am afraid in a way.  Afraid that he will hurt me like how T* hurt me.  I am so afraid of putting my feelings wholeheartedly in this relationship.  But it is very difficult to control feelings.  I think I’m falling deeply in love again. 

There was a recent scare for me.  I had bad gastric pain and went for an endoscopy done.  Thank God, it wasn’t ulcers however, I still do not know how bad my illness is.  Actually I did not want to go however, the someone encouraged me to go.  I did not want to go because I was afraid that maybe I really have cancer or whatever might be as bad as it.  He wanted me to find out because the earlier you detect an illness, the easier it is to cure it.  So I went anyway.

Work with the force had been busy as usual.  But I make it a point to balance, work and family.  Spending time with Estelle is very important so weekends are meant for her unless I had to share her time with T*.  I am glad that the someone understands this and knows that Estelle is very important to me.  Just hope that Estelle will like him too. 

I guess it has been a while since I really fall deeply in love. I want to be swoon over by another man and have that kind of passion once again.  But he’s not like that. The next chapter will be about the guy who came into my life after T*. 

What is Love? Chapter 64 & 65

Okay, posting 2 more chapters… the last chapter with T* is Chapter 66… so 1 more chapter to go… basically the chapter is the closing whereby all the conditions are being set out and agreed upon… After that, there is not much communication except about Estelle… I will also post Chapter 67 which was the transition period after my closure and before I start a new chapter about the new guy… Hmm… Well, wun post Chapter 68 onwards yet… only when time is right…
Just had dinner with the special someone… I don’t doubt his love for me but I feel that he is starting to take me for granted… I am sure that it wasn’t his intention but probably because we had been together for quite some time and somehow or rather, being with me becomes a routine ba… I guess I should bare my soul to him again, like how I used to… Think we haven’t been talking about our feelings for quite some time… Ya, I think I should just do that… Hiaks!! sometimes couples just forget to talk… not just the daily stuff or what, but talk about feelings…

Chapter 64
When we first discussed about the divorce, I had agreed to sell the house to him at evaluation price. So I told him to go look for an evaluator to evaluate the price of the house and to revert the price to me so that I can prepare the papers. He took 2 months to do that and told me that the house was valued at $320K. But now, he will not buy the house over at evaluation price because he claims that he could not get the housing loan which everyone knows it is bullshit. Fine. I gave in because he put himself in such a pitiful stage that he would have no place to stay and that Estelle will not grow up in the house that she was born in. Okay, just pay me whatever I had paid for the house in CPF. This is the minimum requirement from CPF. When I ask him who will be the co-owner, he say he will not be putting his mum’s name when previously we had said that his mum’s name to be the co-owner. Whatever, because I know what his plans are.
So the house was settled. Then it came to Estelle. We agreed upon joint custody but care and control was an issue. At first, we agreed to put care and control under his mother’s name because that was the current arrangement. However, he changed his mind and persisted for Estelle to be placed care and control under him. He stated reasons like it would be very complicated as they do not know where his mum will stay and whatever crap. I said fine. As long as he thinks that he is doing it for Estelle’s good. I requested for one condition which was for me to have free, also known as liberal, access to Estelle. He fought his condition for a while, because he claimed that reasonable access is the same as liberal. To me, it was not. Reasonable access means only during weekends because weekdays can’t be disturbed due to school. What if I decide to bring her for dinner during weekdays? Does it mean I am refused of it? After which, he agreed to change the ‘reasonable’ to ‘liberal’. As Estelle will be under joint custody, her expenses will be paid equally between both of us.
So child custody is settled. The car I did not want to have a share because both of us will have to pay extra to sell it off. I could be a bastard and demand that but I didn’t. Anyway, he is still driving the car now and I heard that he had plans to change cars. This means he have money right? But still he claims that he does not have money. Well, fine again for me.
Chapter 65
Which comes to wife’s maintenance, I had asked for nominal fee of $1/- per month for the rest of my life or till I remarry or till I die, whichever comes earlier. The reason for me to ask for this is because if anything were to happen to me before I remarry, I can rely on him. This is in accordance to the law. Many wives gave up this right because they do not know about this. That you can ask for financial support if anything e.g. accident, is to happen to the wife. He refused because he didn’t want me to be a burden to him even though I’m not now. The probability is so low but he still didn’t want to because he is afraid. So you know what kind of person he is. He proposed $200/- per month for 6 years ($14,400/-) or till I remarry or till I die, whichever comes earlier. I said no because apparently, he still did not get what I meant. After that, he proposed $7/- per month for 10 years with the same conditions. My lawyer and I felt that he is insulting us because this time around, he offered even lower but still did not accept our proposal. I told my lawyer since he will not give in, I will take the first offer, however, it to be lump sum, which is $14,400/- since he is not going to be responsible for me anyway. It would be better for both parties. I will have some minimal cash and he will have NO responsibilities with regards to me after the divorce. Win-win for both.
Then he changed his mind again. After the lawyer met me in person, I think the lawyer felt that I will remarry really soon because I am young and pretty. My offers were not outrageous, in fact, they are reasonable and accordance to his offers too. So why reject me in the first place and now wants me to revert back to the $1/- offer? Because he knows that I will remarry in 1-2 years time after we divorce. But then again, things can change. I may not marry at all. Anyway, I was pissed with him so I gave him a quote of $200/- per month for the rest of my life with the same conditions. He got angry. Shouldn’t I be the one who is angry? Moreover, he asked Sandra to talk to me instead. When asking for help, begging or just comprising, shouldn’t the first person do it himself? Rather than get a middleman? It shows the lack of sincerity. If he is smart, he will take the $200/- per month because even if he pays for 3 years (I think I would have gotten married by then), it’s still less than $14,400/-. Then he put the blame over to my court, saying that I refused to revert to my first offer is because I want to drag the divorce and I am money faced. Ya right, reality check: I can’t wait to be single again. Too bad he flared up. If he were to talk nicely to me, I would have reverted back to my first offer. This is an example why one should be less aggressive.

Disappointed…

Had already planned a nice dinner at somewhere nice (plan B) about 1-2 weeks ago for his birthday and before I planned, I had asked him if he was free and to ‘book’ the slot so that he is free during that particular night… Everything was arranged and last night when we were out, I heard him saying that he is going overseas during the period in Feb and it sounded like the period clashes with the dinner…

Apparently, he had forgotten about our birthday/dinner date in Feb… He said at first when his family told him about the overseas trip, there was some mixed up in the dates and afterwhich, finally confirmed that it clashes…

Disappointed because I had checked with him with regards to the date and also reminded him time and again after I planned, yet he forgotten about it… Fortunately I did not plan for Plan A (wun say what Plan A was) if not, the date could not be changed… It’s just dinner and probably I can call up to reschedule the date…

It’s like I made the effort to find somewhere nice and arrange for everything but yet, it was not only unappreciated, but forgotten… Hai… sometimes I just wonder why I always went to such lengths (time & effort) to plan for special days when they always go unappreciated… I am also quite sure he didn’t plan anything for my birthday cos’ there isn’t any date arrangements or anything… but still, I planned something for him…

You should have seen my face when I heard about the clashing of the dates… I believed that there were tears welling in my eyes cos’ of the disappointment… I didn’t cry or anything like that but I am very sure ‘disappointment’ was written all over my face… maybe plus a bit of ‘pissed’ in between the ‘disappointment’s…

Doesn’t really matter now… I guess all these experiences are going to add up and subsequently, I could probably reach to the point when I feel ‘enough is enough’… Or probably I wun reach the point… Not too sure where this relationship is going to go but the vibes that I get from him (since the start) is that probably we will reach a dead end, and it’s only a matter of time… And the journey we are going through right now is also not moving forward to the dead end… It’s just like we are going forward a step and then taking a step back… just stagnant…

I told myself that I will give myself some time, some time to decide what I actually want from this relationship…  This year marks our 2nd year of being together… and in May, I will make a decision as to what I want… This was the major decision which I mentioned in my previous entry…

To stay or to go?

New furniture addition in my office…

Hahaha… I fixed a 950 puzzle on Sunday.. Took me about 5 hours to finish and finally got it hang up on the wall in my office today… so now, when I am stressed out, I just take a look at it and I will feel peaceful because the nice blue scenery of the sea.. The puzzle is actually Mickey and Minnie Mouse having a vacation… Hai, even though I can’t go to my vacation yet, this will do ba… hahaha… Man, can’t wait for May…

Dun know why I keep going into a daze this few days… It’s like my mind will go wandering off somewhere and when I realised that I had been in a daze, I got to shake my head out of the daze… Hmm, maybe I had been thinking too much about things… Well, I have a major decision to make in May… Wun say it’s what first because may not even need to make the decision… See how things go ba… Hiaks!  Must not dwell too much on it now yet… maybe that is why I always go into a daze, prob not just think too much but think too hard… My problem is I always over-analyze things…

Anyway, my exercise regime has stopped since Aug last year… that’s like 6 months isn’t it?  *pengz*… aiyoh, think I better start soon… though I didn’t put on any weight, starting to feel fat… maybe CNY period also, bak gwa curse starting to strike now… Hai… This year worse, because not only the bak gwa curse striking, the pineapple tart curse is also striking… :P

What is Love? Chapter 62 & 63

Just to add on to my previous blog entry about my temp PE teacher… When I was helping him to dress his wound, he asked me this ‘Don’t you have any Haagen Daz icecream for me?’… hahaha… I asked him if he still have any left over from the other time.. He just laughed and said he was joking… And there was this time when my classmate fell and sprained her ankle (this happened prob a week after I sprained my ankle) however, to her disappointment, he did not carry her… Hiaks!  Hmm, I felt that he probably felt something for me and I felt something for him however, we did not go any further because both of us could have felt that it was not appropriate for a teacher and a student to be in love ba… Hmm… :P

Posting two chapters at one go as haven’t been posting my story.. Again, another reminder that this was written probably in the end of 2006 or early 2007… Wow, it’s been 2 years since then… Hmm…

Chapter 62

After he read the email, he did reply however it was not a positive reply.  Finally he forced me to choose the route that I did not want to.  He said that he is really going crazy if we are going to pretend that nothing happened.  I told him that we were not pretending and that I was just hoping that we can work things out.  He said it was impossible and was still not wanting to make the decision, saying that he did not have money to look for a lawyer.  I told him that I can give him his share of money and he can go look for his lawyer.  He said that he did not want to waste money to look for another lawyer since I already got mine.  I did not want to file for divorce because this was not my choice but his.  But he did not want to do it and instead wanted me to decide for him when the choice was so clear for him.  And I am glad that I did make the choice and I was glad I went to look for the lawyer to file for divorce.  At least, I got to move on with my life, slowly but surely. 

I gave up smoking the day I went to look for the lawyer.  I picked up smoking again because of this problem and I know I had to give it up as I did not want to hurt myself in any way.  The partying days became lesser and lesser as times goes on.  I do not get myself drunk nowadays as the pain has subsided.  I can’t say that all the pain had gone however it is not that painful now.  And I moved out.  Even though moving out of my matrimonial home the second time was much easier and well planned but I still felt that choking feeling when I packed my stuff.  No matter what, I had stayed there when I got married to T* and we built our lives together and it had broken down.  We had failed. 

The filing of divorce is currently still not kick started yet as we still have yet to solve the house problem.  Initially I wanted to let him keep the flat with him just topping up my CPF however I do not trust him anymore as he could not promise me that he will not sell the flat.  I wanted to leave the flat to Estelle.  Since T* can’t promise me, I decided to sell him at valuation price as I am bound to lose out if he were to take over and then sell the house after that.  He became very sly and cunning after what happened and he loves playing mind games.  He likes to make me feel small about myself and that I am not worthy for anybody including Estelle. 

But I did not fall for his tricks.  Thanks to the new guy in my life now.  I can’t mention who he is until my divorce is finalized.  He encouraged me to try in my marriage and not live in regrets.  I did try however to no avail.  We talked our hearts out and subsequently fell in love even though we are so different in character and personality.  What clicked was that we encouraged each other to be a better person and that we are accommodating to each other.  This relationship is going to be very rough, not because of our love, but because of our families and background. 

Chapter 63

T* is still playing mind games and being unreasonable.  I do not care about his lame tactics and do not succumb to his tricks as I just want to settle things amicably.  I do not know why he is still behaving this way because he should be a better person or have better feelings and thoughts when he is officially with his lover now.  He likes to pretend that he cares about me and that he does not have someone there for him when he does.  I feel that he is just hypocritical and that he does not need to lie to me anymore since we have split up.  The more he does that, the more I feel that he is a hypocrite.

How I wished that things can be settled as soon as possible so that I can start a new chapter of my life.  It may or may not be with the someone new but I just want to get on with my life. 

Finally after a year and a half of bickering and quarrelling and not seeing each other in the eye, T* and I compromised on the terms and conditions of our divorce.  I do not know if we are able to get a divorce because we want our story to coincide which is things just could not work out between Dad and Mum however, we still love her very much.  The rest is continued in my blog. Guess by the time I finish posting my story in my blog, I would have started another chapter since I have 56 chapters and I need to post one every week.  That’s 56 weeks, more than a year.  I hope by then, T* will be back to his normal and happy self.  Haven’t seen that for a long time. 

However, just when I thought that everything can be settled amicably, he changed his minds about the terms and conditions of the divorce again.  Everytime decision is made, within a day, he will change his mind again.  Always happens this way.  Let me narrate the whole incident about the terms and conditions of divorce.

In the first place, we also agreed to get only one lawyer to settle our divorce since it would be cheaper that way however, he changed his mind again and got a lawyer from a prestigious law firm (or so he claims because I do not have any knowledge on law firms).  After that, who knows, near to the end of settlement, his lawyer left the prestigious law firm and brought T* over to his new firm. 

Elegy

Went to watch Elegy last evening… It’s about a professor who doesn’t believe in committments because of fear that the other party will cheat on him/leave him due to his incompetency or should I say, he thinks he is not good enough even though he had everything… Eventually fell in love with a student however, because of his possessiveness and refusal to commit, the student left… Well, the story continues… Dun want to be a movie spoiler… hahaha…

When I think of a teacher-student relationship, can’t help but recall that throughout my years studying, 15 years to be exact, I only had a male teacher (temp PE teacher) who was really cute… can’t remember his name but remembered what had happened between us… There wasn’t a relationship at all… I mean afterall, I was shy and there were other pretty female students bursting with their hormones too…  It was during my JC days when I had a temp PE teacher… I think he was around only prob a month or so… My friends and I were gawking over him whenever we had PE lessons… Though we always enjoyed PE lessons, it was extra enjoyment for the eyes whenever he took the lessons… hahaha…

I still remembered that during a PE class, we were playing captain’s ball… I always have a thing with balls, hiaks, I mean I am good in ball games, well, most of them anyway… however, my friend was quite clumsy and stepped on my foot when I was about to run and I fell sideways… and that’s it, I sprained my ankle… I fell to the ground and I wasn’t really groaning but I guess my face showed ‘I am in pain!’… Hahaha… He was nearby as he was the referee and he rushed towards me to check if I was alright… Before I say anything, he scooped me up and carried me to one of the benches… hahaha… at that time, I didn’t feel any pain at all because he was carrying me in his arms and I had my arm hooked onto his neck… Hiaks!  The pain came back when he put me down… Damn! I was thinking he could have carried me a while longer… After that, he went into his office and came back with his hands behind his back… He told me to choose left or right because he had two different things behind his back which could prob relief my pain… I can’t remember I chose left or right but when I made my choice, to my surprise, he was holding a tub of Haagen Daz ice-cream (my fav)… Then he took out his other hand and it was an ice pack for my ankle… He then said that he was joking and handed me the two items… Wow… Hee… At the end of the school day, he saw my friend and I near the school gate and I was still sitting down and I believe we were waiting for a taxi or something… He offered to bring me to the sinseh but I decline because I am not into TCM… Damn! I should have followed him right??  hahaha… Well, I didn’t even though I wanted to…

PE lessons were fun esp with him around… There was another incident which happened during the school’s sports day… It was the teachers’ race and he fell as he tripped… he was bleeding at his knees and he went into the equipment store to get some first aid… I think I went in too to help him dress his wounds but the scene was cut short when some other girls came in to help him too… I excused myself and that was it… This was the 2 incidents that I had close encounter with him and we did not develop anything from there… We were purely having a teacher-student relationship, nothing more than that… Well, I can’t even remember his name…

Anyway, he was one of the 2 guys who made me go weak in my knees… I didn’t get any chance to be in a relationship with the 2 guys… Only had really brief encounters… The other guy was a trainee doctor at Institute of Health… I met him when I was in Sec 3… This one was really brief but he was really charming and handsome and cute that was why he left an impression on me… I went to IOH to get my heart checked because I was diagnosed to have a heart murmur (this was during the time when I was rejected for my application to join the OBS camp)… I went into the examination room and he told me to remove my top including my bra… There was a nurse present of course… After I removed my top and bra, he was holding the stethoscope and pressing it against my chest… before he did that, he was apologising, saying ’sorry’ and ‘excuse me’ each time he used his stethoscope to listen to my heartbeat… I wasn’t the shy one even though I was exposing my top and in turn, it was him who was the shy one because I could see him blushing… I was trying to control my laughter and giggles and was also thinking ‘You can touch me anywhere you want with your bare hands’… hahahaha.. That was it… after the examination, he diagnosed me for having a functional heart murmur and told me probably the murmur will go away after a while… if not, further tests will need to be done…

So far in the 30 years of my life, the 2 guys above are the guys who make me go weak in my knees… I wun say my exs are not handsome (most of them are) but not to the point that they make me go gawking at them or should I say, drooling over them… hiaks!  Recalling all the memories during the time when I was young, makes me feel even older… I dun think I will ever meet a guy who will make me go weak in my knees again… Hahaha… Well, maybe, just maybe…

Feeling down again…

Sianz… every year, when it comes to the end of the year and the beginning of the new year, I will feel down… dun know why also… maybe because the ending of a year (then I tend to look back at and think about what I had done in the past year) and also as my birthday is at the beginning of the year (age a year again and same thing pops out in my mind, what had I been doing with my life in the past year)…

sianz… 2008 was not a fruitful year… 2009 wun be either… so really hoping 2010 comes really quickly… not much plans for this year though… probably just work and work and work… Also, to spend as much time as I can with Estelle… already planning to take a week in Jun and a week in Dec just to spend some time with her… Hee…

I am also planning for a trip to Phuket in May… Hmm, I was asked this question about tsunami… Well, I am not afraid lah… I guess it’s just being at a wrong place at a wrong time… You can’t really cheat death… I still remembered that I had a friend to went to Phuket a week before the tsunami hits… You wun know when and where such things is going to happen… this is a natural disaster mah, what we term ‘Act of God’… How to avoid even if you want to?  Hahaha… So tsunami wasn’t in my mind when I was planning a trip to Phuket… This time around, I will be staying a bit longer than my trip to Koh Samui… Probably 9D/8N ba… whahahaha… Am I going alone?  Yes, most probably… Dun worry my friends, I will take care of myself… No worries… I am old enough… hahaha… Maybe during one of the day will go to Phi Phi island… Not sure yet, play by ear…

No plans for my birthday as it falls on the 2nd day of CNY… so f**king boring sia… But I will get to spend it with Estelle this year… Yay!!! Hee… and I arranged for her to spend the 2nd day of CNY with me so that I can bring her to go visiting… My relatives were always asking how come I dun bring her to visiting on 2nd day of CNY because usually her Daddy will bring her in to Malaysia… So I requested that this year, I hope that she can spend it with me esp, it’s my birthday too… So most prob next year, she will be going to her Daddy’s side in Malaysia… Take turns ba… Hee…

Hmm… This year will be the big THREE for me… Still can’t believe that I am turning 30 years old… I can’t believe that I am in my thirties… I tot I am still 25… hahahaha… well, I look like I am 25 right?  Or I dun??? Man, I’m old… Hai…

Milk & What is Love? Chapter 61

Finally Friday is here tomorrow… Missed Estelle as usual… Can’t wait for her to come over and see that I had finished the Hello Kitty puzzle for her… She will definitely be really estatic about it… hahaha… Been busy this whole week but managed to go catch a movie last night alone… Went to watch ‘Milk’… It’s about the famous gay activist Harvey Milk who became the first gay person to enter politics in the US… Sean Penn’s acting is really good… I felt a bit squirmish at the start when he and another actor was kissing passionately… After a while, I was used to it… Actually, I’m not against the gays, in fact, I think it’s their own personal sexual preference and they are also human like us… Well, I think till now, many gays still do not dare to come out of the closet because they are afraid that they may be discriminated… Hmm… The movie is good, go catch it…

Chapter 61

Why can’t I be depressed over our situation?  It’s not an excuse.  Maybe it’s not depression to you but it is to me.  And I have been trying hard not to feel depressed.  To take my mind off our stiuation, to put hope in it so that I can feel better.  To tell myself that I don’t love you anymore to make myself feel better.  But did it help?  I guessed it did, for a while, but I am being pulled back into the vicious cycle, because I recognised and acknowledged my feelings for you. 

Personally, I do not wish to give up.  Not because I want to make you suffer or anything else.  I do not wish to stop trying even though there may be times when I want to and when I want to, I just can’t do it because of my feelings for you.  You do not have to do things on purpose to make me give you up because I still love you and I will still find some reasons/excuses for you even if you don’t. 

I have been loving you for 6 years and still loving you.  To totally stop loving you, is a difficult task and even if I will be able to do it, I guess it will take as long as how long I have love you.  I do not know if I am able to do it as I do not have confidence in myself.  No matter how much I keep telling myself I can stop loving you, I still do not have any confidence and I keep finding the love for you in me. 

I acted that I’m strong and that I don’t love you.  Do you know everytime when I had to pretend that I don’t love you in front of you, it just hurts so much that I cried quietly alone after that so that you will not be able to see it? 

If you chose to leave me, I will not blame you.  You have your own reasons and your own thinking.  You can tell me if you want to.  If you do not want to tell me, you don’t have to.  I’m very sorry that I disappoint you, that I can’t make the decision to leave you.  I just realise that my first and only decision all these while was to keep trying to keep this family together, to make things work out even though it can be so difficult.  As difficult as to leave you.  But at least, to make things work out is the outcome that I want so that will be a better cause for me to work on rather than the other option.

All I can say is that I treasure our relationship.  We came a long way and my love for you deepens each and everyday since the first day we were together.  I really really do not wish to give up.   I don’t.

Loving you always

Ivy

What is Love? Chapter 60

Man, it’s only Tuesday… This whole week is packed with trainings, meetings, events etc… no time to even do my work also… hai… and I have to rush out so many things.. How to when I dun even have some time to myself???  Personally I dun like to bring work back home to do because I find that very pathetic… Off work should be for relaxation and it should be time spent with love ones… But if really no choice as I do not have time during work, will have to bring work back lor… Hai…

Chapter 60

I can’t.  I can’t make myself to walk away because I really don’t wish to.  I digged down deep in my heart and I realise that it’s not because that I fear of the unknown, but because I love you.  I just cannot mask my feelings no matter how hard I tried.  I tried for so long but it still didn’t work.  When you love someone, you will always help the person to find reasons/excuses for his behavior and not to blame him.  You can say that I’m in denial.  I can’t accept reality.  But what is?  What is the reality when I do not even know what is happening?  I make guesses everyday.  I’m confused. 

It’s not easy to face someone whom I love and then have to face him in the face when the ‘I hate you’ look everyday.  Why do you hate me so much? 

I know I will never get the answers.  Maybe I think too much, taking considerations into everything whenever I make a decision.  Maybe it’s a job hazard.  To prove beyond reasonable doubts.  Unless I prove it, you will always be innocent to me.  Because there is always a thousand reason why you are behaving this way, why you are thinking this way, why you are hurting me this way. 

People say I’m stupid.  That I should have walked out a long time ago.  To move on with my own life.  But I just can’t do it.  I can’t.  I love you too much.  To have you break my heart was hard enough for me to swallow, and I just can’t swallow that I had to give up the one I love, that I had to give up the family that we had built up with all our efforts, just to see it go down the drain, that I had lie to myself everyday about my own feelings for you.

Why must all good things come to an end?  I remembered my promise to you.  That I will be patient even if you changed.  I haven’t broke my promise because if I did, I would have left.  I am a rash person and that is a bad thing of me.  Like you said, why am I always saying or doing the things that I later regret?  I am an emotional person and most times, I let my emotions get to my head too much.  If I had cooled down, if I had just think things over (like what I’m doing now), I would have known it’s no use of being angry, no use of trying to act strong, no use of saying hurtful things even you have no intention to. 

When we were so much in love with each other, you said that you will love me till the day you die, that if things changed, we will be patient with each other.  It’s not about being accountable, it’s about how much you loved me before to make you say all those things.  Why and how did you fall madly in love with me before?  I am still the same Ivy you knew.  More even so now because I’m more independent but minus the cheerfulness.  The Ivy you knew did not disappear.  She is still around but she is hiding because she is so afraid to come out, so afraid to let you see her and be put down again. 

I admit that I had been growing dependant on you over the years.  You are my boyfriend and then my husband.  Shouldn’t a wife be dependant on her husband?  Or she should be as independent and tell the husband that she doesn’t need him because she is so strong and independent to go on with life herself? Being dependant doesn’t mean that I had taken you for granted. 

You only can remember about the things you did for me and the bad times we had.  What about the things I did for you?  What about the good times?  Have I love you less these years?  Have I not been doing everything and doing it my best for you, for this family?  Maybe it’s not enough for you that is why you said that I took you for granted.      

It’s easy to fall in love…

Recently there had been a trailer of the Lonely Planet: Best of Asia series on TV and the episode was on romantic places in Asia and during the trailer, there was some romantic quotes on the screen… Well, reading the quotes, it made me cry… Call me a romantic, hiaks, that’s me… hahaha… last night was going through some romantic quotes and I came across one that is hmm, I kinda could relate too… hahaha… well, this is one of them :-

It’s easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you
~Bertrand Russell~

Wow… I think there are different interpretation to this quote… especially read by different ppl… Even for me, I think I have at least 2 interpretations to it… The very first interpretation is :-

i) It is easy to be in love, to be in love with someone.. But it is hard to find someone to catch you when you fall… even though it’s falling in love, sometimes you fall too deep and the other person just let you fall further and deeper and if he doesn’t catches you and walk away, that’s it… so it is hard to find true love who will support you through the times…

2nd interpretation is simple :-

ii) It is easy to fall in love.  To love someone but it’s hard to find someone to love you back, to catch your love when you fall in love…

Well, when I first read the quote, my interpretation was the first… after reading for a 2nd time, I felt it could be the 2nd interpretation too… well, I think I can relate more to the first… hiaks… so what does it mean to you?

Think I am getting good in fixing puzzles & What is Love? Chapter 59

I had completed 2 1000 pieces puzzles… both completed in a day each… Hmm… One is a Hello Kitty one which is for Estelle… the other one, well, is hmm… Anyway, I still have another 950 puzzle to fix for my office… Hahaha, it’s a picture of mickey & minnie mouse at some faraway place for holiday and the scenery is of the sea… Tot of fixing it up and then hanging it at my office so that even though I can’t go overseas to relax yet, I can still look at the picture and imagine…

Anyway, I got good reviews about my stint in being host to the overseas guests.. I dun think it is good to get good reviews because definitely will get arrowed again since I’m good.. Hai… But I was glad that I had done my job and did my best at it… now it’s back to work again tomorrow and have to start clearing my work that had been piling up since I was away from office… Man, hate it…

Well, getting to the end of the story soon…

Chapter 59

I made up my mind to leave T* on the journey back home from New York.  I find that there is no point hanging on someone who doesn’t love anymore.  He was cold and frozen.  Not the same person with the warmth and laughter whom I loved.  Since he has changed and no longer the same person, I think that I should leave him so that both of us can be happy.  I came back and told him about my decision when he kept asking me what we should do about us.  But still, when I thought deep into my heart, I realized that I was still hoping that the old T* will come back so I wrote him this email:

Dear,

I thought that I had made my decision.  I really thought I did.  And I was so determined.  But that was just an illusion to me because this family meant a lot to me and my only hope is to keep it alive, to keep our relationship together, to work things out, to give you all the love I can give and all the love you deserve. 

I love you, I love you with all my heart.  Everytime I see you, I just want to go up and hug you.  To kiss you and to make love to you.  I used to try but you denied my advances.  After which, supressing my love has been very hard even though I know I had to, so that I will not be pressuring you to love me.

Have you forgotten about all our good times and only remember the bad times?  My love, it’s 6 years.  I admit that there are bad times when we quarrel.  Other than that, to me, it was near to perfect.  It’s not acting on my part because I really love you.  I did not pretend to love you.  It was all from my heart.

If you want me to beg you to stay, to beg you to love me again, I will.  Haven’t I been begging?  I must be pathetic but I can’t lie to myself even though I can lie to you that it doesn’t hurt at all.  But it does.  And I know you are hurt too even though you may not show. 

We are just so alike in many ways.  We want to appear that we are strong.  I don’t know about you but actually I’m very weak inside.  There are so many times when I could have broke down, but I know I can’t because of Estelle, because of you.  I’m not noble because if I am, I would have left. 

You may say that I want to live life this way, forever.  That I want to drag on this situation.  I don’t.  I want life to be the point where we all are happy again, to be contented with each other.  Things will never be the same, but love doesn’t come easily.  Love withstands all obstacles.  And this is just one obstacle. 

Everyday I feel hopeless and wanting to give up.  But no matter how hopeless it is, there is always a part of me that know that there is always hope.  That one day, the Zhang T* whom I first knew 6 years ago, will come back.  He will then love me again, to care and cherish me like how he used to because there is so much love in me that I want to give him.  I missed him so much…

I thought by going to NY I would be away from you.  That I will not miss you.  That I will realise that if I can do something (alone away in a unknown place) on my own, I could just have enough courage and strength to leave you.  It was scary to be alone travelling to unknown places.  The fear of getting lost.  The fear of not seeing you and Estelle again.  It was all there.  And I faced it.  And I thought I could apply it to our relationship too.  But as usual, I was wrong.

What a week… so tiring.. & What is Love? Chapter 58

Finally tomorrow is the last day… Then after that, I can go back to my office to clear all the work piling up as the whole week was not around… I guess it is really an experience and moreover, I am the quiet person and dun really like to talk so much, so it is really a challenge for me to be the liaison officer… Well, I will just have to see if I can live up to the challenge by noon tomorrow… Hmm…

Think I will sleep early tonight… tomorrow is a long day for me too…

Chapter 58

I started going out with friends whom I have not met for a long long time.  I started to do things for myself.  I picked up rollerblading after lots of determination that I could do things for myself again.  I planned a trip to somewhere far away from Singapore, somewhere far away from him so that I could think about our relationship, our screwed up relationship and more of how to solve this problem rather than salvaging the problem.  We did visit the counselor after he claimed that if it makes me feel better, however, he attended only one session.  I followed through the counseling till my counselor, Alice, left to Australia to further her studies.

The trip I planned was to New York.  In fact, I was very afraid about going there alone because I had never been on an overseas trip alone, not to say till somewhere so far away.  New York is halfway round the earth from Singapore.  My friend, Serene, was sweet enough to let me bunk in at her place for 2 weeks.  The trip was unforgettable.  Basically I am proud of myself that I had survived the trip and that I finally did something which I thought I could not have the courage to do.  If I had the courage to do that, I think I would have the courage to walk out on this dead marriage. 

When T* sent me to the airport, he told me not the get the wrong idea that he still loves me when he cared for me.  I told him I know that he did not love me anymore and that I will not do anything to revive the marriage since there is no hope anymore.  I had to do something for myself.  For the past 6 years, I have been living my life for him, for this family.  It is time I live my life for myself again. 

I left Singapore and once on the plane, I started missing T* and Estelle.  I had this feeling because I have never left him or Estelle for so long and for such a long distance.  While in New York, I was hoping that something happens to me so I did not have to come back.  And in fact, if we did not have Estelle, I would have stayed in New York and not come back to Singapore again.  To live a new life and forget about the pain.  I cried myself to sleep again in New York.  The weather turned cold the day I stepped out of the plane.  Maybe it was a coincidence or maybe it was a sign from God.  Serene told me that that winter was not that cold however, when I was there the first night, it snowed.  Before I went there, it only snowed twice, but while I was there, it snowed most of the nights.  Maybe it was a reflection of how I felt inside. 

New York is a fabulous city and I wished that I could have shared my times there with someone I love, but just too bad, he did not love me anymore.

Feeling much better today & What is Love? Chapter 57

Feeling so much better today… well, maybe cos’ most things turn out right today and also, get to meet him for dinner and some drinks.. Hee… wun talk too much though if not, me and my stupid mouth… hahaha… got to plan something special for his birthday… Hmm… A surprise maybe… hiaks!

Chapter 57
Fact of life is that people change. That is why the plan for having a second baby was scrapped. Now, Daddy dun even want to hold Mummy’s hands. I think you get the idea. Whenever I see you, it really breaks my heart because Mummy is not able to provide you with a happy family. When I see you, I have to stop the tears from flowing because I dun want you to know that I’m upset. It’s been a few months since August. Daddy had been not quite himself since he found out that your aunt had brain tumour. But your aunt is recovered and the scan showed that the tumour is gone. This doesn’t change anything which Mummy knows because things had already happened. Time cannot be turned back.
How I wish that you are able to talk and understand so that you can be there to console me. But you are doing fine right now. Seeing you happy, I am also very happy. It’s not easy to cope with this all alone but Mummy will not give up because of you. Even if things turn out bad, Mummy will always be here for you. Mummy will never leave you because you are the closest person to me besides Daddy. Daddy is the furthest person to me now and it seems like I dun know him anymore. He became a stranger over time since Aug. I still love him very much but there is only so much I can do.
I had made many suggestions like going to see a counselor together but he refused. Household chores become a routine to me because I have more time on hand as Daddy and Mummy are doing less things together.
I know Daddy is still here because of you. I do not wish to use you as a reason for our marriage but I guess Daddy dun see it this way. A marriage is between 2 adults and not as a family unit. Because if the marriage doesn’t work well and it’s sustain by the children, one day it will break down again.
I’ve told Daddy many many things but I dun know if he takes it to heart or think about what I have said. I just want him to be happy. And if being happy means leaving the family, I am willing to let go because I do not wish to see him suffer. When I see him suffer, I feel the pain too.
I stopped asking the questions why because things had already happened. Even if I know the answers, things cannot be undone. Mummy is very hurt about the whole situation and with the things Daddy did. But still, I have to put a front esp. during work because everyone is asking and they noticed that Mummy is in a low mood. Some of Mummy’s friends already know but not many. There are times that Mummy just wants to give up and not suffer anymore, but I will not do that because I know you will be a poor thing without Mummy.
Mummy loves you very very much and please remember that always. Mummy will not give you up because you are too precious to me. Mummy will always be here for you. I’m sorry that you get to know this but this is what had happened. It’s just not an easy time right now for Daddy and Mummy. And I hope you will understand and not hate any one of us.
LOVING YOU FOREVER
MUMMY
08.11.06

Had been trying to log and post my blog for the past 2 hours…

Wah lao eh, dun know what is the problem of friendster recently… everytime I want to log onto my blog, have to wait for a long time to connect, if not, it will show me the ‘internet connection…’ or whatever… Had a long day at work already and not having a good day and in the end, came back home and problem with the connection… at work, I got locked out because of some stupid course website which was compulsory for me to go through the emodule… f..k man, damn pissed off… now I can’t log in at work but anyway, wun be around the whole bloody week cos’ of some work commitments that I was ‘nominated’/’selected’/'chosen’/'appointed’ aka ‘kena arrowed’… no choice but to do… I can’t really say no, can I??? I think I said it before, the other candidate replied the email saying that he can’t make it in less than a minute (saying his son first week at school)… whose kids not having their first week at school?? Estelle also is having her first week at school moreover, its nursery, not some primary school or what… at that age, they should know about going to school since went through kindergarten etc… but well, what to do?? as usual, it’s Ivy who got the chance to take this experience with me at work (putting it nicely, those who know me will know what I would say instead.. Ha ha)…

not a good start… how am I going to survive 2009?? Hai… Wanted to at least talk to him to relieve some stress by complaining but then he hung me up… after 15 mins, he called back… I assumed that he must have been with his friends and it wasn’t convenient for him to pick up my call… Then I sounded damn ’sian’ already and he asked me if I am angry/pissed/upset etc.. aiyah, I just say no lor… what can I say?  I am just the phantom girlfriend right?  so no rights one mah… aiyah, whatever lah… just feeling damn pissed about everything today… hopefully things will turn out for the better the next few days…

Saw Estelle’s photos of her going to school… She called me in the afternoon and was bragging that she didn’t cry and the other children did… Really cute and as usual, I know she will be brave de… Wish that I could be there but I know her daddy will take good care of her… sometimes just wondering what do we get out of our profession… been in my profession for 7 years and 3 months… starting to wonder if it is worth it… most times get scolded (by anyone & everyone, now not so bad cos’ I not dealing much with public) for no reason, even though it is not our fault… moreover, it’s not like as if we are earning alot… starting to feel burnout… sacrificed so much (personal time with family) and yet, get nothing, only more workload… ha ha ha… and also I observe the trend at my workplace is ppl get breakups and divorces very often… job hazard ba… well, that’s what I observe…

Used to have been job satisfaction even though pay is not much… I just realised that the new guys are getting 3.5-3.8K (starting pay)… Wow… My starting pay is 2.1K… and what I am getting now is about the same as their starting pay… Really funny… well, what can I say… I wun say that I do not have job satisfaction now but I finally can understand why so many ppl resign too… Hmm…

The thought of resigning had crossed my mind but seriously, I dun believe that I can’t survive and I wun pull through… I believe I can change something and contribute to my org… change things/env for the better of the other staff ba… no matter which dept I go, I think I can make a difference… I hope… ha ha ha… Can you hear that?  My toes are laughing… Yes, I am laughing at myself… what to do?  Damn demoralizing… Hai…

What is Love? Chapter 55 & 56

Decided to post two chapters today because yesterday did not post any and also chapter 55 is quite short… *yawn* feeling tired and dreading the LO duty next week… Hai… Nvm, just enjoy my weekend with Estelle first… Should be bringing Estelle to watch ‘Ponyo’… hahaha.. both of us had been singing the song since we saw the trailer, the song is like stuck to our heads.. hahaha.. Estelle’s eyes always widen when she sees the advert… really cute…

Chapter 55

We quarreled everytime we spoke.  He would end the quarrels with ‘if you not happy, arrest me lah.’  I mean, how childish can he get?  I stopped quarrelling with him because I find that there was no point in getting angry over small matters and that I need to move out soon so that I did not have to face him every day. 

I wanted to hold out on my duties as a wife and a mother.  But I broke down and could not take the way he treated me anymore.  I could not fulfil my duty as a wife, I stopped cleaning the house for him or being nice to him.  Since he does not love me anymore and treats me like his enemy, why should I be nice to him?  Why should I subject myself to nasty remarks when I tried my best to be neutral in things and did my duties?  I stopped cleaning the house every day.  I only cleaned up the house before Estelle was back home and I still took care of Estelle.  However, other days, I would go out to party till late at night.  I would immerse myself in work and enjoy my time with my friends.  At least, I would think less about this problem which wouldn’t go away.  Every time I woke up from drunken stupor, it hurt again. 

There were times when I tried to shift my love towards other men, but eventually, I realized that they were not the ones I love.  They were just people whom I used to make myself feel wanted so that I could feel better.  Out of a few of them, there was a newlywed guy.  I could be shameless and steal the married guy from his wife but I did not because I knew how his wife will feel.  Anyway, I did not love them and just wanted their company.  Eventually when I knew that I was not happy in any of the relationship, I gave them up and realized that I still loved T*.  I was just trying to divert my love away but I couldn’t. 

And I wished that Estelle could listen to me and comfort me however, I know that she’s still too young to understand so I wrote her another letter.

Chapter 56

Letter 17

To my dearest Estelle,

             It’s been quite some time since Mummy wrote to you.  Things had been quite bad between Daddy and Mummy.  I hope you will understand if things dun turn out right.  I really dun wish to put you in a spot between us which I know it is a difficult spot you are in.

            Probably by the time you read this, you will be old enough to understand the issue that is between Daddy and Mummy.  I guess Daddy is fed up with Mummy for not doing a lot of things like doing the household chores and not exercising.  These 2 are the main problems and also Daddy thinks that I’m holding the purse strings but the financial problem has already been settled as I have been transferring money to the common account so that Daddy will have enough money to pay off the bills and still have some to spend. 

            Daddy said that you will never going to have a sibling.  I’m sorry that things turn out this way.  I thought that we are going to have Baby number 2 so that at least you will have a companion.  But then, I respect Daddy’s decision.  Mummy has been upset over this whole incident and lost a lot of weight because of poor appetite.  You are only 14 months old so you will not understand it now.  When you grow older, you will know what happened. 

            I know that it’s not all Daddy’s fault.  Mummy is partly to blame because a relationship takes 2 to go on strong or to go real bad.  But Mummy is disappointed with what Daddy did.  You may or may not get to know what he did.  If things turn out right, I will not tell you because things are already over and do not wish to bring it up again.  If things turn out bad, all you need to know is that things just did not work out between us.

            Mummy wants to work things out and had been trying very hard.  The things I do are not the difficult part but more of Mummy is tired emotionally and mentally.  But for you, Mummy must not break down, Mummy must not give up.  When you become a Mummy yourself, you will understand.  I know that Daddy loves you a lot too.  And I know that he’s trying to work things out too.  But maybe because Mummy is sensitive but I can sense that Daddy is not very happy in this family.  And that it is difficult for him too. 

            Estelle Baby, if one day, Mummy has to decide, please know that I’m doing it for the sake of you.  I do not wish to wait till you grow up and know what is happening before I decide.  I do not wish to put you through what I have gone through because I know that it hurts so much. 

2009 is finally here!!!

Countdown with Estelle to 2009 in our sleep last night… hahaha… I think both of us fell asleep by 10.45pm… anyway, we countdown before that… hahaha… teach her how to count backwards from 10 to 1…

Yesterday brought Estelle to the supermarket to get some groceries… and something happened… while we were in the lift, there was an Indian man and a Chinese man in the same lift… Estelle asked a question : ‘Why the man so black one?’  Wah *pengz*… I was really stunned by her question… She said it really loud so obviously the other passengers heard her question… And of course, I can’t keep quiet and act as if I didn’t hear her question… So I got to come out with something sensitive right??  It was tough but well, it’s Ivy you are talking about here so I will definitely have something smart to reply… So I told her ‘Well, we are all of different races and we have different skin colour… the man is an Indian… you and me are Chinese.’  Wah lao eh, I dun know if she knows what I am saying but fortunately she did not ask any further questions and we reached our floor and everybody alighted the lift… whahaha… After that, I told her that it is rude to call somebody black… and told her to refer to Indians as Indians… Then she said ‘They not ‘Ah-Neh’ meh??’  I nearly fainted again… hahaha… Anyway, told her it’s better to call somebody an Indian… Hopefully she remembers… hahaha..

2009 is finally here but already having a bad start… Got shot by an ‘arrow’ to be the LO for some overseas Police… Anyway, quite pissed about what happened as to how the arrow kena me but well, it’s tough to fight with superheros… hahaha… before I can reply, the other candidate just came up with a ’stunt’ and in the end, I kena… it’s not like as if his son is having first week at school… my estelle also having her first week of school… but no point fighting with him because he is definitely going to come out with a stunt again… So just take it lor… 1 whole week will be gone just like that and it is always a whole day thingie… plus, there are about 18 of them… damn, I think I will feel that I am a hostess when it comes to lunch & dinner time… got to run 2 different tables… Hai.. sad…