What is Love? Chapter 54

Another 14 hours before 2009… Awaiting for the new year because can’t wait for it to be over… 2009 will be another crappy year… Hahaha… I am not being pessimisstic but well, it’s just my predication… Wow, I will hit 30 years old in another month’s time… Damn! I am old… hahahaha… No plans for tonight… Tonight will just be Estelle and me… Actually tot of bringing her to watch the fireworks but I think she will not be able to stay awake till 12am so I think we will just stay home and watch TV… I think maybe they will show the fireworks on TV, not too sure… Hee… Will teach her how to countdown tonight… ok, Chapter 54… My new guy be mentioned briefly from Chapter 62 onwards… And afterwhich, I will stop at Chapter 67… Until his identity is revealed… :P

These 10 over chapters were written not in kind of my ex and his partner… So to those who are close friends of theirs, I will advise that you skip these chapters… Like I said, I do not have the ill intent of slandering them but these entries were how I had felt during the time when I was at my lowest… so if you are uncomfortable reading it, pls don’t…

Chapter 54

I asked him if they slept together, he said technically yes because she slept in the car while he was driving.  I said sex, he said no.  Then I asked him if they kissed.  He said yes, if not, who should he then kisses.  When asked how many times, he said he did not know.  It must have been so many times that he lost count. 

The feeling of betrayal has never, never been so great before.  There were many betrayals in the past by my exs however the feeling is not this great as they were not my husbands.  There were no vows made but T* made the vow and yet he broke it.  He promised me that he will love me till the day he dies when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  Apparently he is not dead.  There was some part of me that wished he was dead, so at least it would not be as painful. 

He started to play mind games with me, saying that he wished that he was dead and he wanted to die.  I was not mean enough to ask him to go and die and I encouraged him to see a doctor about his mental problem.  He refused, as usual, because everything I say is wrong.  Like I said, how I wish that I did have the courage to tell him that you want to go and die, just go.  Nobody will stop you.  Nobody cares if you do not love yourself.  I could have been selfish and said all that; isn’t it better still, so that I have everything for myself, including Estelle.  But I did not, because even though he may not love me anymore, I still loved him and I wanted him to be happy.  To me, this was a big problem, about him with his lover and us still in the marriage.  But he did not want to solve the problem.  I suggested divorce or separation but I want sole custody of Estelle, he refused to barge. 

I think I use a lot of refused on his part because he is a hard nut to crack.  He will insist on doing things by himself and on his own will and decision.  He does not like to listen to others because he feels that it is a sign of weakness.  Why he feels inferior with me because he feels that I had belittled him and I made him feel useless even though I did not mention anything.  Guess he is just a person with an inferiority complex.  Or he has his own reasons.  I am in no position to judge.  Or probably he is just a Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG), just like what his lover has described him.  I did not think so; I think that he is more like a woman than a SNAG.  At least a SNAG would know how to be a man and make decisions, rather than sit there and do nothing about the problem. 

Our problem was not solved easily because we could not compromise on things like assets and Estelle.  It was more on Estelle.  I know that both of us love her very much and I wanted to try again for the sake of Estelle but he said that he will go mad and crazy if he were to stay in this marriage for her.  And he still says that he loves her very much.  I was willing to give up my happiness to stay in this shit marriage and forgive him for what he done but he could not.  I felt that to him, his lover is more important than anything or anybody else, including Estelle. 

What is Love? Chapter 53

Hmm… Another piece of ‘Why did I..?’  ‘If I haven’t,…?’  I was going through the pathetic phase of questioning myself ‘Why?’ and ‘What ifs?’… Though it did not matter why and what if because nothing is going to change as things had already happened, it was a phase of pitying myself to make myself better… The thought of thinking that retribution will hit the other persons was there because it made me feel better during the time of mourning… Mourning for the loss that I had… Well, it will be another probably another 10 chapters before I finally had my closure… I could have closure earlier than that however, terms and conditions of the divorce were a headache too… But well, people who knows me will know that no matter how headstrong I am, I am still vulnerable and most of the times, I give in… not because I can’t fight but more of, I hate fighting and in the course of it, hurt other persons… so I would rather give up than to fight and hurt others…

Yesterday was reading the New Paper and they had an article on a Chinese woman who killed herself after she couldn’t deal with her feelings of her failed marriage… When I read that article, I could feel for her because her story was so similar… the difference is I did not take my own life… Hmm… Interesting… I guess it’s how you view life… To me, life is very precious and it should not be wasted away like that… This was enforce when I seen a lot of sad cases during my IO stint… Hmm… Will try to post continuously till Chapter 67 (the chapter that I had my closure)… By then, my story with my ex will have ended and a new chapter of my life starts…

Chapter 53

That fateful night when my heart was really broken, I checked his phone after he turned in and found the message from him to B*.  I cannot remember the whole message but it was like this ‘Shushu (means uncle in Chinese) bathe and shit le.. You know that you will always have a special place in my heart and no one can take your place.. I love you too.. I am going in le… good night and take care… muaks!’ 

When I saw the message, my whole world crashed.  I did not expect my husband to love another woman even though our marriage may be on the rocks.  Wasn’t he cruel enough to not love me?  And he had to choose to be even more evil and cruel by falling in love with someone else?  Did he really hate me so much that he had to do this to hurt me so bad?  No answers till now.  I do not want to know anyway because I do not love him anymore.  My love for T* had been confused and lost.  If T* comes back and he is himself, the way I knew him, I do not think that I will love him again.  After so many things had happened, I realized how much he loved me and how much I meant to him.  Nothing much at all.  For him to have gave up our love so easily, and for another woman, meant that he did not love me at all, not even a bit.  I must have been blinded by love.  Why didn’t I call off the wedding before?  Why did I trust him on loving me for the rest of my life?  What about our marriage vows?  I felt sore and hurt but time heals.

I kept questioning myself how it all happened.  T* was asleep when I saw the message.  I woke him up and questioned him and guess what he said.  ‘Can we talk tomorrow?’  I could not.  I was so pent up with anger and disappointment and betrayal.  I told him that if he did not want to talk to me, I will call B* up and ask her instead.  And I did.  She did not dare to answer to my questions and kept asking me to go ask T*.  I was so angry with her for lying to me and for not standing up for what she did.  If she loved him, why wouldn’t she just say it in my face?  Because she knew that what she did was wrong but she CHOSE to continue doing it.  I believe in retribution and I believe that one day, somebody will do it to her one day or her loved one will be suffering the same as what she made me suffered. 

T* woke up and scolded me for calling her.  He said he had no one to talk to and he had to give his love to someone and he needs someone to love.  What am I then?  For God’s sake, I was his wife but he chose someone else.  Am I not there for him?  Is she the one who cleans up the place for him?  The one who worries about him every night?  The one who looked after Estelle when he had a hell of a time with his lover?  And he used to claim that he loved me very much.  I should have called off the wedding and probably I would not have felt this pain.  But if I had a choice, I would not because Estelle will not be in this world then.  She’s everything that I got now and she is my first priority. 

What is Love? Chapter 52

Hmm… Note how my frustration was being pent up then… Pls dun forget that it was written in end 2006/early 2007… No ill intentions against anyone but more of how I felt at that period of time… It was a trying period especially for my mental state… I remembered I have read something somewhere before that everyone will have to go through the different stages till recovery…  Anger was one of the stage and I think I was in that stage for quite some time… Fortunately, went past that stage… Anyway, this is What is Love? Chapter 52

Chapter 52

In Sept 06, he informed that he would be going for a short trip to Malaysia with his friends from work.  I knew a few of them and even though I knew that B* was going, I did not stop him from going because I trusted him.  I told B* that even though that they may have nothing going on right now, they may develop something more as they were very close.  Too close for comfort as friends.  She replied that she knew what I was talking about and apparently, she was lying without blinking her eyes again.  Or probably she did blink, but I could not see it as our conversation was over the phone.  She refused to meet up with me to talk and maybe this showed that she was guilty.  Why didn’t I pick up all these?  Or maybe I did and I purposely did not object it because I thought that T* really loved me enough to keep his promises.  I was wrong again.  In fact, during this period of time, I was wrong many times.  I shouldn’t have trusted him.  I should have trusted myself.  Why did I still hang on to love when I knew that it was dead?  There was always this hope in me that T* would one day come back as whom he was when I first knew him.  It never happened, at least till now, and I had already given up the hope after I came back from New York the following year.

Nearing to the date of his departure to Malaysia, I received news that only him, B*, and another guy and gal were going.  I knew that something was definitely going to happen because I had a bad feeling that was why I checked his phone when he came back home after his trip. 

The day when he left, he gave me a kiss.  I did not know what it meant but I knew that it was more of a compassion kiss rather than a real loving kiss.  And I was right because he later told me that he gave me the kiss because he was thinking that he might not make it back home in case something bad happen to him.  He said that he would call and message but he did not keep his promises.  It was either he was late or he did not call at all.  I was disappointed however I expected that.  That I am no longer the one he love, that I am no longer the one who can make him happy.

He came back later than scheduled.  I did not question him as I knew he would be tired after a whole day of driving.  The bad feeling in me increased and so my instinct told me to check his phone for messages.  Usually after what had happened, I did check his phone on and off however, he seemed to have something to hide because all history was erased.  I knew he was on his guard and I was hoping that one day, coincidentally he will forget to erase and also I check on his phone.  I did not do it every day because most of the time, I would find nothing. 

What is Love? Chapter 51

Hmm… Been a long time since I post my story… just remembered my story when I happen to see some of the photos of my friends whom I used to hang out but no longer hanged out because I am no longer with my ex… Well, it’s probably another 10 chapters before I stop as after that, it’s about my special someone and if I post it, his identity will probably be revealed so I think I better keep it personal first… Hmm… In the photo, my ex and his gf are also in it… The feeling I get when I see them in the pic is kinda mixed… There isn’t any sourish kinda feeling but more of ‘good to see that they are still together’ because I dun think he is able to take it if any thing is going to happen to them as he had given up some things to be with her so well, good for them… Other than that feeling, I think I also felt some fear… Fear that my role of a mother will be taken over by his gf… I mean after all, Estelle is spending most of her time with her dad so if he remarries… Hmm, I dun think I need to explain further as you guys know what I mean… Hiaks!

Chapter 51

I went to the roof garden to think about things.  Always went there as it is quiet and isolated.  I wrote lots of notes and diaries about my feelings and thoughts while I was there.  At the same time, I waited for him to come back.  I wanted to see if he brought back any woman.  He came back not too late and messaged me to rest early and to take care and I said I will not be staying out too late.  When I went down to meet up with him, he was talking on the phone while walking so I did not disturb him.  I followed behind him and I guess he did not know about it.  When he saw me, he looked very shock and suddenly softened down his conversation on his phone. And quickly, he hanged up the phone.  I did not question him anything and he did not mention anything.  When we reached home, he muttered something nasty like ‘Why bother to move back when already decided to move out?’  I did not wish to quarrel with him so I kept quiet.

Days went by while we behave like strangers, staying under the same roof, sleeping on the same bed.  T* was not the same person I knew.  He changed.  He became hostile and kept thinking that I had ulterior motives when I care for him or when I did more for this family.  He told his family many things, most things were, of course, not in my favor.  That I was doing extra household chores just to show it to him during this period and if he decided to give me a chance, I would fall back into my same footsteps before.  Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong.  But I wasn’t given any chance to prove it. 

After I moved back home, I did tried very hard to find out what he was thinking and what was his relationship with B*.  He said that they were just friends and that they had nothing going on.  I believed him but I was wrong.  I chose to trust him and B* because I did messaged her through the phone and she informed that T* and her are just friends.  I realized that sometimes, you just got to believe your own instincts instead of those whom you think are close to you.  Because they can just lie without blinking their eyes, because they can feel no guilt even after lying to those close to them.

Just sold my E90… so sad…

Hai… Just sold my E90 to Ah Beng shop for $550/-… Cos I am getting a new phone… Well, though my E90 may have failed me for the past year (twice somemore), but still, have some feelings for it since had been using it for 15 months le… Now using my old treo before I get a new phone… and got to top up money for my new phone also… but at least, can get some money back from my E90, better than nothing…

The new phone I am getting is Sony Ericsson since NOKIA had failed me… now kinda apprehensive about NOKIA already… Yes, I am getting the Xperia… Hmm, hope this time around, better dun fail me ah… Hai…

Usually I can’t part with my old phones cos’ after all, it had become ‘personalised’… The feel of holding it, the information in the phone etc, was made personal after using it for a while… hahaha… In fact, I hate changing phones… But well, this time around, I dun have a choice because if I am going to hold it longer, the price will drop and moreover, the speakers suddenly worked again so sell it while it is working… If it is spolit then price will not be that good.. At least I got about half the price back…

Hmm… will update when I get my new phone… dun know will it fail me or not… Hai…

Life is so fragile…

Just heard news of the passing away of an ex colleague… even though he was just a ‘hi-bye’ kinda colleague, in different teams, and I haven’t seen him for years, the news just kinda hit me in the face that life is so fragile… it could just happen to anyone… it’s like yesterday you just saw your friend, and the next day he/she is gone that kinda thing… 

Therefore, like I alway say, embrace life the fullest as if it is the last day of your life because you never know if you are able to see the next… and treasure those around you and appreciate them…

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas!!! and a Happy New Year soon… For those who are not really having a very merry Christmas, well, it’s still Christmas and Christmas is spent with your family and your loved ones so… Even though it may not be as merry, I believe that their company will definitely lift up that low spirit of yours…

Estelle loved her presents… and she kept playing with them non-stop… Hahaha, guessed that’s just kids… after the novelty wears off, they will probably forget about the toy… hahaha… anyway, she’s back at her Daddy’s house, getting ready for the Christmas party… Hee… she should have a lot of fun de…

I’m at home now and waiting for someone to wake up for lunch… cos’ he worked late last night so probably will still be sleeping now… Hmm… guess I go play my Wii for a while first ba… feeling kinda lazy now… and tired… dun know why also… the weather is not helping much also… tot can go sentosa for a tan first but has been raining since Tuesday night… Hmm…

Bored…

Still feeling bad about yesterday…

Still feeling bad about yesterday’s accident because Estelle was in the car… She must have felt really frightened by the whole incident and it was caused by me… Hai… and also, felt bad because it wasn’t my car, it was my bro’s car…

Had been checking on Estelle to see if she was alright… and if she was still shaken by the whole incident… Her daddy said that she was fine and did not have nightmares while she slept during her nap and last night… hopefully it didn’t affect her too much… no matter how, I will still feel guilty about it and I should have been more careful or more focus on what I was doing, which was to drive… Estelle’s safety is more of my concern and I would exchange anything for her to be alright… I would rather I be in the car alone and crashed even if to break my bones, just to exchange for her not to be in the car during the accident…

I knew that the car in front was moving off and that was why I released my clutch to move off too but who knows she suddenly braked or jammed brake and i didn’t see her, by the time I shifted my eyes back onto the road (1-2 sec), it was too late… the Indian woman driver was still scolding me and said why I couldn’t brake in time???  that means she must have braked because we were stationary at that time… If she hadn’t moved off, she wouldn’t have asked me why I couldn’t brake in time… hai…

7 years of driving without any accident… I lost my *virginity* yesterday… and it had to be with Estelle around… if she wasn’t around, probably I would have quarrelled with the 2nd driver… even the first driver did not say anything and yet the 2nd driver dare to make so much bloody noise… come to think of it, she was behaving like an old chicken, kept clucking non-stop… hahahaha…

Anyway, I learnt my lesson… in fact, come to think of it, it was exactly the same mode of accident whereby I was the passenger in the accident a few months ago when the special someone crashed into the front lorry… aiyoh, 2 accidents in a year… I should have been more careful and I will from now onwards… I always thought I was a careful driver with good reactions… but then again, am I?  Now I know… must be careful, more careful…

My first car accident today.. Thank God Estelle is not hurt…

I feel damn bad about today’s car accident… Yes, it is my first car accident and Estelle was in the same car, in the front passenger seat… Fortunately she was in her child seat and with the seat belt on…  Moreover I had my left hand supporting her when the accident happened so she did not really ‘fly’ towards the front…

The accident was caused by me and I agree that it was my fault… Let me explain: I was driving along Grange Rd towards Holland Rd, before the junction of Grange Road & Tanglin Rd… I stopped the car because it was red light… Estelle was complaining in the car because she had hurt her forehead just now while we were leaving the toilet at Wheelock Place… I wanted to drive back to church to pick up my mother-in-law… I remembered I saw the green light on at the junction and the cars in front started to move… but I took my eyes off the road to look at Estelle’s forehead and I removed my clutch to let the car to move off and *bang*… That’s it…. the bloody car in front either did not move (or it moved and stopped) and it got hit by me at the backside and it went further up to hit the car in front… I dun believe I had banged the car at such a great impact because I was just moving off nia… but well, it was my fault lah…

After the *bang*, I straight away asked Estelle if she was okay and if she is feeling pain at any part of the body, even though the driver in front (a female Indian) was shouting so loudly and gesturing at me… She started crying most probably due to shock… After that, I calmed her down and told her I needed to go talk to the other drivers first… I quickly took pics of my car and the car in front… I did not take pics of the first car because I didn’t want to leave Estelle in the car for too long, because I was afraid that some other car might bang into my car… So quickly exchanged particulars and the other 2 drivers drove off because there wasn’t much damage from what I can see… most probably only cosmetic damage… Mine was the worst because it was leaking the coolant so I didn’t want to drive and called for the tow truck… my brother came (because it was his car and I think he thought the accident was serious)… after that, Estelle’s daddy came to pick her up…

Actually I felt better when Estelle was back to herself playing at the pedestrian walkway while we were waiting for the tow truck… She even painted my nails while I was making the numerous phonecalls to arrange this and that… After that, she played with my camera etc… The only time she started crying again is when I told her that her Daddy is fetching her home… She then bawled and said she didn’t want to go to Daddy’s house…

Which till now, I can’t figure out… everytime I say that I sending her over or Daddy coming to pick her or what, she will cry and say she dun want to go over… then when I ask her why she dun want to go, she will say because Daddy always scold her… anyway, I told her that if she behaves, Daddy wun scold her already…

Hope Estelle is doing fine… Felt really bad to have put her through this ordeal…

Just screwed up… and the year has not even ended yet…

Trying to learn how to play ‘Sway’ by Bic Runga on guitar

I love the song really much… so since the guys were playing guitar during practice session in office for the community event, I asked the best one to teach me how to play… I also went to search for the chords in the net and found this website which is quite cool… www.e-chords.com… it not just show you what the chords are but also show you which strings to press… hahaha…

But I got a problem… My fingers are really short so for some notes, I can’t get to hit… but then again, will keep practising and probably will be able to do it lor, hopefully… hahaha… Hmm… maybe I should pick up playing guitar… hahaha

Okay, go and practice liao…

‘Phantom’ Girlfriend

Okay, let me explain this phenomenon… The other time I just mentioned it briefly so this time around, I will explain it in detail…

A ‘Phantom’ Girlfriend is a girl who exists only in the private world of the boyfriend… But nobody else knows about her status (a girlfriend) in the real world… It’s like this girl is non-existence in the other sides of the boyfriend’s world… His family & friends do not know that this girl exists… Well, you can say that I’m the ‘Phantom’ Girlfriend…

Actually I am not blaming him or anything because I understand my own situation… There can only be 3 explanations as to why I am still the ‘Phantom’ Girlfriend:-

i) He do not know how to explain to his family & friends about my current situation which is I had been married and have a daughter… though I might be seperated, I am not officially divorced…  He is afraid of the reactions he is going to get from his family & friends…

ii) He takes this relationship lightly and does not wish to reveal too much about us because there will be no explanations required to be given to his family and friends if we were to break up one day…

iii) He is ashamed of introducing me to his circle of friends and family…

I had been thinking alot about us, well, since God knows when… The feeling that he is giving me is that he does not have much confidence in us, that we might in the end, just go our own ways… To me, that’s a battle lost even before the battle can be fought… so I dun pin any high hopes on this relationship too… Have been preparing myself to be ready to give up when I have to… I had never been the type of girl who just keep clinging even after breakup… To me, that is the lowest you can go because why make yourself a nuisance when the other told you that you are no longer wanted… Why bring yourself to such a low level when you should have at least some respect for yourself?  Even though it might hurt alot to just walk away and leave, but it will definitely be better than being the pest and making the other person hate you even more… what is meant to be, will mean to be… What’s not, will not…

It’s not that I am taking this relationship lightly and I am very sure that I am serious… and I am happy whenever I am with him… I realised (from my previous marriage) that even though I might think that the relationship is okay and strong and loving, it may not be for the other party… and always be ready about what could come, esp the worst… so least there will not be much disappointment and it could be easier to pick myself up again…

I think in the end, if we really end up breaking up, I will still thank him for the good memories and the great support and encouragement he had given me during the time when we are together… Though he could use a bit more of romance… hahaha…

Bottomline is : I wun force him to reveal our relationship to others if he doesn’t want to… I guess I will just leave it to him, when he is ready ba… And in the meantime, I will just have to think abit more positively… Man, I know you guys are definitely going to have a lot to say…

Sweet memories…

Tonight I am going for a gathering to meet up and catch up with my ex colleagues… I always look forward to the gatherings because we get to catch up with our own lives and we also reminisce about the good times when we were working together… those were the fun times, though there may be bad times too… hahaha.. and as usual, for this gathering, I am the organiser… hahaha… it’s always me isn’t it?  Well, hopefully most of them turn up tonight…

Sometimes just wish that time could be turned back to relive those sweet memories… Hai, sorry about reminiscing because it’s the time of the year again… Whenever the year comes to an end, always brings up the feelings of looking back in time… hahaha… well… Hmm… always looking forward to more sweet memories though… actually doesn’t matter it’s good memories or bad memories because I believe that all experiences are important so that I can grow from all things I have encountered…  Life itself is a learning lesson…  

I had predicted this year to be as screwed up and next year the same for me… and probably 2010 will have a better year and see, I was right… look at the economic crisis now… moreover, the market crashed just after I did some major investments… *pui*… hahaha… well, life’s a bitch… hahaha… So I’m kinda geared for 2009 and prepared for whatever sh*t that is coming… hahaha… hopefully 2010 can come as quick as possible…

Plans for 2009??? for Estelle, hope that she can be more willing to learn so that I can teach her English & Maths… Aiyoh, headache now cos she still can’t recognise her alphabets… Hai… I guess I just got to be patient… As for myself, I plan to go phuket and maybe drop by in Australia (cos I have a friend staying there so can bunk in to save on accomodation) hahaha… as for work, as usual, do my best ba… next year will be a damn bloody busy year for me at work… hopefully I dun go bonkers… hahaha… so by next year end, I will look back and see if I have done all that… hahaha… *cross fingers*

Friday the f**king 13th for me toady!!!

Damn f**king suay today… I think it has to do with my good luck yesterday… Went shopping yesterday and found something on sale at GAP Wisma… However, the smallest size they have in that store as a size 4 in black… I needed a size 2 in black… So well, even if it looked good on me (cos i tried the size 2 in purple), but just too bad cos’ dun have the right size… Can save the 80 over bucks too… But my bro suggested that I try the branch at Centrepoint… So I tot it should be alright cos’ the tube dress really looks very good… walked all the way from wisma to centrepoint in high heels.. And, I think it was good luck, there were many size 2s in black at the centrepoint branch… Managed to get it… hahaha…
So yesterday I had good luck, today, I got all the bad luck… Damn it!!!  I tink I am kinda superstitious but when you have encountered good luck, there will be bad luck after that to balance out… anyway, let me explain what happened today…
Started this morning when I tot the cyst in my eye was not that obvious (I had been having it since last week however did not visit the doctors as I tot it would go down after some application of the lethal eye cream I have) but when I went to work, it looked damn obvious… And everyone was talking about it but then again, i wasn’t so much bothered by it because I am used to it since I have cysts in my eyes about 4 times a year since I was in kindergarten… So well, the day goes on and i tot that finally I can get to have dinner with my special someone tonight (after 2 weeks of not seeing each other) but at the last minute, something impt cropped up for him… I dun blame him because it is something serious and it involves his family… So that was fine also… Anyway, wanted to go watch ‘Zack & Miri Make a Porno’ so went to watch alone at Plaza Singapura…
While taking the bus to PS, also something suay happen… *pui*… I wanted to get off the bus and I was sitting near to the window.. This guy sitting beside me, dun bother to get his ass off his seat to let me out, instead he just moved his knees out to the aisle.. and expect me to squeeze my body in that small space to get out to the aisle… I stood up and knocked my head onto the f**king ceiling… wah lao eh… wasn’t painful but still a bit lor… and it must have looked stupid cos’ I wanted to laugh at myself too… hai…I guess the only good thing today is the movie was funny and worth to watch…
After the movie, I left the cinema and went to the wrong direction… instead of heading out, I went further into the maze of alleys that links up all the cinema and couldn’t find a way out… at that time, there was no one coming out of the cinemas so I was walking alone everywhere, trying to find the bloody exit… Finally saw one Malay guy… dun know what he is doing cos’ it seems to me that he was trying to find something in the big rubbish dump (not the small rubbish bin)… I asked him where the bloody exit is and he pointed to the correct direction and I managed to get out…
After I got out to the main area of PS, I went down to lvl 1 to look for toilets before I go to the MRT station to take public transport home… I was at the lift lobby near to the main entrance and there are no toilets located there… after that, I walked all the way to the other end near to Carrefour and no toilets there too… Pissed… so took a lift down and went to B1 but no toilet at the end of Carrefour and I got to walk all the way back to the end which is nearer to DBS… finally saw the bloody toilet… while walking to the toilets from the lift lobby (the next sequence of events happened really fast, less than a minute), this lame guy (looks like in his late 30s) came and walked beside me… he asked me this ‘Hi, do you know where er, where er, where er..’ there were so many ppl around and yet he have to choose me to ask.. but well, probably it just happens randomly… So he continued ‘do you know where the food court is?’… at first I could not remember that it was on the 6th floor so I told him ‘I dun know’… after that, he followed me and asked ‘Is it at B1?’ then I suddenly remembered and told him that it was probably on the 5 or 6 floor… he still followed me and told me this ‘How do I address you? I want to thank you etc’… I just waved him off and told him it was okay… I found it funny because he followed me all the way to the female toilet (which was located after the male toilet so it couldn’t be that he had to go to the male toilet)… When he realised that we had reached the female toilet, he stopped walking beside me and I walked into the toilet…
I decided to spend a bit more time in the toilet because I tot he may wait for me at the entrance of the toilet… I took my time to visit the toilet and to apply the cream in my eye… After prob about 5 minutes, I went out and thank god, he wasn’t there… So I took the escalator down to B2 to go to the MRT station… While walking to the MRT station in B2, the same guy just popped beside me from nowhere and said, ‘Er, thanks ya. I got my food’  I was thinking why was he at B2, I told him that the foodcourt was upstairs… But well, I waved him off again and told him that it was okay… he followed me and kept asking me ‘Do you have a number? or an email? to contact you?  I want to thank you’… I brushed him off by saying ‘you have thanked me many times already!!’.. He continued following me… He was walking beside me all the way… it was irksome and I just told him ‘Can you just stop following me?’… He then replied ‘Dun worry, I will not follow you home. How do I find you?  How do I contact you?’  I was like ‘Whatever’ and went into the gantry… seriously, if he followed me further, I would have told him to Fuck off… if he continued, I will tell him to follow me… to the police station… whahaha.. but fortunately he did not follow me home… but it’s kinda scary, reminds me of me being stalked and molested by strangers when I was younger… but that was during my secondary school days… anyway…
While on the way back, I was thinking how suay I can get today… and while alighting from the bus (after the MRT I have to take a bus back to my house), this guy with large boxes in huge plastic bags was behind me and he lifted his bags high in the air to manovere his way along the aisle to get to the exit… He f**king rammed his boxes to my head… Though it was accidental and he apologized, i was kinda pissed on what can go wrong again…
Man, I still have 15 more mins to go before it’s tomorrow… *cross fingers*… the bad luck better do not roll over to the next day… better keep my mouth shut… *pui*

Sneaking out to check my emails… While Estelle is asleep…

Now out in the living room checking my emails… When Estelle is around, I try not to log on on the computer… If she sees me using the computer, she will definitely come and disturb and explore the computer and instead, she will be using it and not me… hai… so now technically sneaking out to check emails…

It’s been a long week… and I am starting to feel lazy… I mean, with Estelle around, there is no work at all… My mind is off work… I can relax but I get different kind of stress esp when Estelle starts her ‘Why this? Why that? Why like that?’ questions… hahaha… it’s not easy to find the answers for her… when I explain the actual answers to her, if she dun understand, she will reply ‘Huh?’ with the blur look… then I got to start over again till she gets what I mean… sometimes I really got to simplify my answer so that she can understand…

tired also… my afternoons and nights are packed with lots of sleep with Estelle… I think I finally get some revitalization… hahaha… but probably the sleep is to help me recover from the tiredness of taking care of Estelle… it’s not easy to take care of toddlers when they are bursting with energy… Bringing her out also takes a toll on me because she will stop and comment on everything… I think it takes a day to go shopping in just one shopping centre… it will take a month to walk orchard road with Estelle… hahaha… even if they are of the same shops, she will definitely have something to say about anything… hahaha…

Brought her to watch 2 movies this week too… Bolt and Igor… Yes, all cartoons… what do you expect to bring a child to watch at the cinemas??? But both movies are cute and fun… Well, one catch phrase from Igor ‘I rather be a good nobody than be an evil somebody’… Hmm… something to that extent… i think that sentence kinda stirs some insights… I mean, to me, i think that applies too… I would rather be a nobody doing good than a famous somebody who is doing evil/bad… hahaha… Anyway, I dun like to be in the limelight… not my fault if the limelight is on me though… hahahaha… seriously, I hate it…

Christmas is coming again!!!

Wow, time flies!!! I thought I had just listed my resolutions for this year… Well, I only managed to accomplished half of it… If I am not wrong, my resolutions were to finalize my divorce and to move on with my life… My divorce still had yet to finalize because my lawyer just told me recently that the Court rejected the documents… I asked him why but he didn’t reply… Going to ask him again soon… Anyway, it’s not cheap to get a divorce… Hai… spent quite an amount on lawyer’s fees le… Well, I managed to move on with my life… slowly but surely… Hee… A year really makes a difference…

Dun know why I always feel extremely lonely during Christmas and New Year, especially after my marriage crushed… even though there is someone special now, we just always happened to not being able to spend these 2 days together… This year, should be spending it alone again because will not be fetching Estelle back home during these 2 days as she got Christmas’ parties on 25 & 26 Dec and New Year’s Day is during a weekday (New Year’s eve and the day after New Year, I got to work)… Hmm, hopefully can spend it with him though but like always, he should be busy with his progammes and activities together with his friends & family… Erm, I am still the ‘phantom’ girlfriend so I am not invited… Well, will explain the ‘phantom’ girlfriend next time ba…

Have to celebrate Christmas early this year together with my family as Estelle wun be around during actual day… I suggested to go out for Christmas dinner, in case my brother come out with some stunt again… hahaha… so that history will not repeat itself…

I guess why I feel lonely is because these 2 days are supposed to be spend with ppl who are special right?  Also, if go out on the streets, definitely see many people having lots of fun with their family/loved ones… Hmm… Nvm lah, even if can’t spend it with him, most probably I will just stay at home and watch DVDs… hahaha… time flies when watching DVD so once the day is over, it’s back at work again so wun feel much loneliness…

Bowling fun!!!

Attended my dept’s bowling competition this afternoon… It was really fun and had a great time… probably because of the company ba… my team was made up of all the funny guys… hahaha… all from my office… We were laughing really loudly as usual…

It’s been a long time since I bowled… the last time I bowled was probably last year I think… can’t really remember… but my score also wasn’t that good… Played 3 games : 130, 91, 146… but for females, got 20 pinfall handicap so total score was 150, 111, 166… hahaha… And I was in the top 10 for average score… my second game sucks… all open frames… hai… must be the food I ate after the first game… everytime eat something during game, after that the score fall like mad…

When I reached home and after bathing, suddenly like so tired… dun know why also… maybe really didn’t exercise for a long time le… actually had been wanting to go jogging these few days however it had been raining everyday… hai…

today got news that I can convert some of my leave to money!!! yay!!! so I got to cancel my plan leave during the christmas week to sell… But continue with my leave next week to spend some time with Estelle… Hmm… hope she will enjoy her time with me… Going to bring her to watch movies… she wants to watch Winx and Bolt… hahaha… can bring her during the weekdays lor… can’t wait to go for my leave… Hee…

Quarantine

Just came back home after watching Quarantine… If you are the type that loves ’shocking’ movies, this would be one you want to watch… hahaha… It’s alright lah but the ending is predictable…

Sometimes it’s kinda nice to watch this type of ’shocking’ movie just to scare yourself abit… hahaha… I realised how I had behaved how a 5 year old watch a scary movie… it’s like I know there is definitely some shocking scenes at that particular moment so I kinda squint my eyes but was still peeping because you dun want to miss the shocks… hahaha… only difference is I didn’t use my hands to cover my eyes, leaving some space between my fingers to peer through… hahaha… I guessed it’s entertaining to me lah, moreover, I watched it alone… But it’s really funny when you hear ppl in the cinema scream when the shocks came… hahaha…

This movie is also the typical type of scary movies whereby the characters are really stupid.. you know you shouldn’t walk into a secluded room but still, they walked into it… hahaha…

After the movie, I took the lift down to the first floor and there was this group of 4 young boys, probably about 17 or 18… they happened to sit beside me during the movie in the cinema… and as usual, I dun know why I always hear ppl discussing about the movie I watched while leaving the building… hahaha… so one of them were saying how the infected will not die (but it’s not the case, as long as their nervous system is whacked/destroyed e.g. broken necks, cracked skulls etc) and whatever theory he had about the infectious disease etc… Then another boy cut his conversation and said : ‘Screw the movie lah.  It’s a screwed up movie’… So his friend ask him ‘Why?’.. I nearly burst out laughing when I heard him reply the following ‘Cos it scared the shit out of me!’… hahaha… I was trying to hold my laughter and I am quite sure that I did not snigger… hahaha… It would then not be a screwed up movie cos’ it did what it had to do (being a scary movie) which is to scare the shit out of the movie-goers.. whahaha… So funny…

Hmm… think I will try to sleep early tonight… haven’t been able to sleep early and friends recommended me to take melatonin (is it spelled this way?)…. Hai… Dun really want to rely on supplements to make me sleep but if I continue having problems sleeping, seems like I do not have a choice… I only know I will sleep really easily, within 10 mins when Estelle is around… hahaha… guess I will have lots of good night sleep next week, when I am on leave for the whole week cos she will be around everyday… hahaha…

Weekend too short again…

Estelle just went back again… Spent Sat, Sun & Mon with her… Though it’s been 3 days, it’s like very short again… hahaha… We enjoyed our times as usual… hehe… i especially love the time when Estelle suddenly wake up and say ‘I love you, Mummy!!’… hahaha… for no reason one lor… Hee… So cute one de… then I will reply ‘I love you too, Estelle!!!’… Hee…

Tomorrow start work again… Before I go on long leave from this weekend onwards… Hiaks!!  Alot of work and everytime when I go to work, I can feel the extreme stress and it’s like the headache just comes.. sometimes it isn’ so bad but if there are urgent matters arising the last minute, I feel the stress… But well, got to cope by it and have been coping it well… looking forward to my 2 weeks of long leave (though there is a break in the middle), it is still 2 long weeks of leave… hahaha… finally…

Was also thinking of planning a long trip to Phuket in May next year… Probably about 9D/8N… Hmm… See how’s the situation in Thailand ba… Most probably cos I very long never go overseas liao lor… Found a hotel and the room might look as good as the one I went in Koh Samui however, the scenery may not be nice because, no mention about the view from room… But the pic of the room looks very good lor… hehe…the bedroom and bathroom is linked by a foldable door/window… hahaha.. you can open it and from the bedroom, you can see the bathroom and from the bathroom, you can see the bedroom… whahaha… so kinky leh… :P aiyoh… But well, kinky must also have someone to go with mah… but again, think I am going alone… hahaha… Guess I just kinky myself lor… : Hee…

My NOKIA E90 is going bonkers again… Hai… it’s the speakers again… spoilt for the 2nd time… want to go repair however, i tried to backup on computer but it seems like the backup is not working cos’ I tried to back whatever data back into phone and it is not working… Hai… I think I should just change a phone… dun know whether my warranty is still valid or not… Even if change phone, also dun know which phone to change… All I need is a PDA phone… Hai…