Hokkien Expletives

Sometimes those ‘ah-bengs’ and ‘ah-lians’ really appalls me… Especially the way they speak… The other day I was on a bus and there were these 2 typical ‘ah-bengs’ talking loudly on a phone with probably another ‘ah-beng’ friend on the other line… They were so loud that the bus driver would have heard their conversation… Hiaks…

Not only they were loud but every sentence that they said had at least one Hokkien expletives in it… usually at the start or at the end of the sentence, just as if the Hokkien expletives e.g. CB, LJ, KNN etc, were like full stops or open/close bracket kinda thing… whahaha… And they do it so naturally like as if it was part of the language…

I mean, I myself, sometimes do uses them sparingly, usually when I am expressing myself when I am pissed or angry.. but not when I am talking normally… Even though I uses them occasionally, I find that it is very uncouth to use those words… Hiaks!

I guess I can never really understand what the ‘ah-bengs’ and the ‘ah-lians’ are thinking… They think they are really cool to shout out the hokkien expletives and think they are great to be able to get into fights for no reason… hahaha… their behaviors can’t be understood because most of the things they do, have no reason behind it…

Most ‘ah-bengs’ and ‘ah-lians’ outgrow their phase and behind normal adults which is good but however, some of them continue to be ‘lou bengs’ and ‘lou-lians’ and their offspring also takes after them… Hiaks!! The vicious cycle just goes on and on… even after so many years, they dun seem to evolve and get stuck at the same place because you can straightaway spot one when you see or hear one… whahaha…

Most of them also have identity crisis whereby they became an ‘ah-bengs’ or ‘ah-lians’ because they want to feel that they belong a group… They feel that they are valued when they are part of a group… So most of them are not self-confident and to boost this, they like to have some power and status and they gain this by beating up or terrorizing normal people… I got to see the rampage of such behavior when I was in Seconday School because I was a notorious neighbourhood school… Hiaks!!

Just two words for them : GROW UP!!! aiyoh…

The Book of Revelation

Hiaks!!! Last night went to catch a movie by the name of ‘The Book of Revelation’ and it sucks!!! My god… :P It is supposed to be an art film however, I think it is just a lousy porn movie… Hahaha… To think it had a title like that… For Christians out there, they would know that the Book of Revelation is the last book in the New Testament… And it is probably the most controversial and difficult books in the Bible with diverse interpretations of the various names and events in the account… But well, the movie wasn’t that difficult to interpret… hiaks!!! Actually I didn’t know that there was such a movie however, while deciding what to watch last night, I saw the movie synopsis and felt that it may be something psychologically intriguging as described… It was such a great disappointment…

The movie is about a male dancer in his career peak, who was abducted and tortured sexually by 3 mysterious women for 12 days… He was made to do sexual favours against his will while being chained up… After he was released, he did not report about the crime because he felt that it was shameful and especially for him because he was a public figure (well known dancer)… Since he couldn’t report and let the police investigate the crime, he went to the vicinity of the location where he was tortured to find out who the mysterious women were… In order for him to look for the women, he would need to sleep with all the women he met to see if they had the tattoos/birthmarks on their bodies which matches the mysterious women’s… The movie ended when he was arrested for assaulting a woman (while trying to strip her to search for the tattoos) and after that, he revealed the crime to a policeman…

How lame can it get??? I mean, look at the storyline… just a lame porn movie.. No wonder I see so many uncles coming into the cinema and watching the movie alone… Fortunately, I wasn’t sitting next to any uncles… I still remembered I used to watch an RA movie (if I am not wrong, it should be ‘Being John Malkovich’, a good show and personally I think he is a great actor) at Shaw House alone, and there was this middle aged man sitting somewhere near to me a row in front of me… and while watching some sex scenes of trailers before the show, he was making these ‘oohs, sssiiss’ sounds… I was disgusted by his behaviour and I knew that I wasn’t the only one because there was another man who sat about 5 seats away from me on the same row with the same disgusted face after hearing the sounds made by the horny man… hiaks!!!  So when I saw so many uncles coming into the theatre, I thought the movie must have many sex scenes and I was right…

It was based on a book and I guess what the author is trying to put across is that men, if subjected to sexual abuse and torture, would be in more suffering compared to a woman… basically because men in society are considered to be the stronger species and to be put down by women, it is a disgrace… therefore, he could not relate the tormenting incident to anyone, including his closest ones…

There was nothing intriguging about this movie… I think the movie is just about a male faggot who couldn’t even stand up for himself… The male lead is a coward… Nothing shameful about being abducted and abused because it can happen to anyone, including the men…

Well, dun waste your money and your time on this one unless you are one of the DOM then probably you want to watch this movie… hahaha…

What is Love? Chapter 44

Too busy to post anything… Am embarking on a personal project… Hiaks… got to complete soonest so spending alot of time on it… :P

Anyway, here is What is Love? Chapter 44         

                Chapter 44

                His friends left after T* concussed on the table.  Estelle stopped crying however refused to be placed in the walker and wanted me to carry.  I did some clearing up with her in toll and guess what?  T* vomited right on the floor where he was seated.  There was so much crap on the floor and I had to clean it up with Estelle in toll.  While Estelle and I were below him, me cleaning the floor, I was so afraid that he would just vomit on us.  But I had to clean it as it would stink and stick onto the floor.  After cleaning, I placed a bucket under him and fortunately, this time around, I placed it before he vomited again.  I did not bother the next time as most of the vomit was being caught in the bucket.  I then took Estelle in the bedroom and coaxed her to sleep.

                Estelle slept and I slept for a while, until I heard a loud thud from outside of the bedroom.  Fortunately this time around, Estelle did not wake up.  I went out and saw T* lying on the living room floor.  I tried to carry him up to the sofa but he was dead drunk and really heavy.  I had no strength to even lift him off the floor.  There was nothing that I could do as I could not even wake him.  So I just left him lying there, hoping that he would wake up from his drunken stupor soon.

                The next morning when Estelle and I woke up, T* was still lying on the floor, with a pool of vomit under him.  I tried to wake him, but he still could not be woken.  I just let him be and continued with my usual routine with Estelle like bathing and feeding.  After about an hour, he woke up.  I did not know he woke up till he was missing from the floor and the floor was stained with his dried up vomit.  It was sickening but I still offered to clean up.  Anyway, he declined and cleaned it up himself.

                He apologized soon after for his behavior that night.  I did not really put it to heart because I knew that he was drunk but what pissed me off was that when I told him not to shout because he was scaring Estelle, he said ‘So what?  She got you what, so why should she be scared?’  I told him that I did not like his ‘I do not care about Estelle’ attitude.  He acknowledged and promised that he will not do it again. 

Burnout!!!

Aaaarrraaaaggggghhhhh!!! I’m burnout… not due to exercise… but due to work… Hai… Trying my very best everyday, not to fall apart… at least, stay sane… whahaha… can go crazy because of work… so much things, so little time… Aiyoh… I only can be at one place at one time right?? 

Well, at least I get to look forward to the weekends with Estelle… the past weekend was great with her, as usual… and she’s really funny cos’ she says the funniest thing… she’s a chatterbox… hiaks!!! Hee…

Can’t wait for the weekends again… sometimes I feel like I’m a zombie… life gets kinda boring when everyday it’s the same old things like work and work and more work… Hai… what to do… Just too bad that I came into this department at the wrong time… or should I say, at the time when things needed to be done, things needed to be changed… Why me???!!!! Aiyoh, headache liao lah… whahaha… at least something to look back to next time after I get posted out… like ‘oh, I done that’ and ‘oh, started by me’ etc… Hai, hope that things that are done by me are worthwhile… hiaks!! 

Complaining and complaining again… Damn, I hate this side of me… Okay, no more complains about work for this week… hahaha… Need to lighten my mood abit cos’ it’s only MONDAY!!! wah piangz… five more days before weekend… Damn!

The Dark Knight

Went to catch ‘The Dark Knight’ last night… 2nd movie of the new Batman series… It is definitely much better than the first one however, personally, I still prefer the ones directed by Tim Burton… Maybe because they are more colourful and more comical which I can relate to the comics… I especially like the very first one, with Michael Keaton, Kim Basinger and Jack Nicholsen…

The ones directed by Christopher Nolan are more modernised and more current… Gotham City looks like New York City… Hiaks!! Moreover, there is HongKong somemore… *pengz*… shouldn’t they come up with some fictional Chinese place (dun name it Hongkong)since Gotham City is fictional?? Hmm…

As for comparison between Jack and Heath, I guess both have their own version of the Joker… I can say that the new series are definitely more gory than the first ones… The scars on the 2nd Joker and of course, Two-Face, are much scarier than Jack and Tommy Lee…

Oh, then my brother posed me a question… In real life, are there really people who are like the Joker?? The reason why people become mentally-ill is because of genes and environment… Actually, sane and insane is differentiated by a very thin line… Well, what is sane and what is insane?  Subjective question too… I worked with the mentally-ill before and some of them really show those weird behaviors however, others behave just like normal people… But because they are diagnosed by pyschiatrists that they are mentally-ill makes them one…

Well, I could just go on and on about this… I am especially interested in abnormal psychology and actually even wanted to specialised in that area however, I’m not smart enough to do my masters or Phd… hiaks!!!  Seriously speaking, I am empathetic towards the mentally-ill because they are being outcast by everyone, most of the times, even their own family… I guess everyone is afraid of them because they are afraid that the mentally-ill get violent… but not all of them gets violent… only a portion of them… I still remember during my first day of work attachment at IMH during my uni days, for my social work course… I didn’t curse and swear because it was my choice to go to IMH… Anyway, on my first day, my mentor told me to go to the male C ward (the worst ward and with the most patients, about 80 of them or more) alone and interview any 10 of the patients..

When I was outside of the ward, there were a few of them peering out of a small window at the door… The nurse unlocked the door for me to go inside of the ward… Yes, the patients are locked in their ward… Afterwhich, many of them followed me around in the ward.. Hiaks!! It was a funny sight… Then I managed to sit 10 of them down and talk to them, like in a group therapy kinda thing… Since I had some knowledge of abnormal psychology, I kinda put in practice what I had learnt… It was an experience to be alone in the same room with 10 crazy people… The nurse offered to stay with me however I told him that I would be fine… Hiaks!! I kinda control them like kids… They told me their stories one by one and it was really depressing to hear their sad sad stories… Believe it or not, I even ask them if they know that they are crazy… some said yes, some said no… For those who said no, I then asked them why they are admitted in IMH… Then they stopped to think…

After everyone answered to that question, I told them that they are not crazy because crazy is not the word to use… The right word is sick… I told them the reason why they were in IMH is because they are sick and that they need to go through the therapy and take the right medication to get well… Once they get well, they can be discharged from IMH and live a normal life, provided they take their medications religiously… Yes, they have to take medication for life… if not, they will suffer relapses… Hmm, I think I make a good counsellor right?? :P I am certified anyway… hiaks!! After the first experience, I wasn’t afraid of them anymore.. But it took a whole lot of courage to take the first step in for the first time… Once I gone through that and the interaction with them, going to the ward was a breeze for me next one month of attachment…

I really really think that I am becoming Sleeping Beauty (like real :P) Hiaks!! by the time I finish the show which is 9pm plus, I started yawning… While I was eating dinner, my eyelids were so heavy that I had to fight them from closing… And I didn’t even have the energy to take the MRT home and instead took a cab home… aiyoh… I fell asleep in the cab and when I reached home, it was kinda difficult for me to fall asleep again and I only managed to sleep at about 12am or so… :P

Hmm, can’t wait to see Estelle tonight… Hope she had grown again.. Hee…

What is Love? Chapter 43

I think I am becoming a sleepy baby… Because only babies sleep at 10pm, like Estelle… whahaha… By 8 or 9 pm plus, I will start yawning away and my eyelids will start to feel damn heavy… Well, I guess it’s good ba, at least I get enough sleep of about 7-8 hours every night… Or is it that I am falling sick???  Hai… I will ALWAYS fall sick when it comes to major events… Dun know why also… maybe because of stress ba… It is like the last thing you need is to fall sick during the actual event because you will need the most energy to run the event… But well, probably it is how my body adjust to the stress ba… Hiaks!!! Though suffering, I pull through everytime… Hmm… Tough life… Hai… :P

Had been and is still really busy with work… I dun know when can I start to say ‘Wow, it’s so boring at work..’  hahaha… so many ECAs, so many arrows keep shooting at me, how to cope it all??  Just do it right??  hahaha… Yes, just do first, later then say… Not say then do…

Anyway, the chapters starting from the below is about when my marriage broke down… just spiralling downwards from then onwards… it was the period where I couldn’t see any light in my life and I just felt that I was falling deeper and deeper into this huge pit with no slight chance of crawling out of it… Well, but I did…

Chapter 43

                Like I said, T* got cold after Estelle was born.  But he was still normal to me.  Just that he got a little more impatient and short-tempered as time goes by.  He at the start, was already not very patient and kind-tempered, so imagine how bad he was getting.  He barked at me for small mistakes like not offing the heater.  Not only he does these, but he did those barking in front of my parents.  Isn’t that the worst thing you could do to your spouse?  It is like not giving respect to my parents.  But it’s okay, because he is always right and I’m always wrong.  Previously it was like this, now it’s still the same.  It doesn’t matter anymore, all I know is that I made up my mind to move on with my life without him.  He can throw his tantrums whenever he wants but it is really not my business anymore.  In fact, I am less affected by his behavior now, after I made up my mind to move on. 

                The whole thing started on his birthday, it startled me to see his behavior that fateful day.  It was scary as I did not know that there was this dark side in him.  I will relate what I can remember about his birthday in 2006.

                He was 30 years old in year 2006.  He told me that he did not want to celebrate his birthdays from 30 years old onwards as he felt that he was getting older and did not want to celebrate that.  So I did not plan anything on that day and thought maybe we could just go out for a quiet dinner with Estelle.  However, on that day, he informed that he had invited his friends over for steamboat.  So I was thinking, fine, anyway, he would be happy to have his friends around.

                They came and we had dinner.  T* played mahjong and I put Estelle to bed.  After T*’s games and Estelle fell asleep, I took over and played.  So he had some drinks with his friends.  Before that, he already had some drinks but he continued to drink.  I thought he was okay as he was a good drinker.  One of his friends challenged him and I told them not to as he will take it seriously.  And he did.  He drank real fast and too much.  He behaved like a drunkard, shouting and talking rubbish.  The worse thing was he banged a bottle of wine to open it as his friends refused to open the bottle for him.  It was so loud that it woken Estelle up.  I was very angry at his behavior and he kept shouting like nobody’s business even it was 3am.  His friends were so worried about him and wanted to even call the police.  I told them that we will have to cut the party short and to leave him alone to wake up his own idea.  Estelle was crying non-stop and he was just shouting. 

Trip to Phuket & Phi Phi in October??

Hmm… Was surfing the net for airfares to Phuket and hotel rates for hotels/resorts in Phuket and Phi Phi Don… I think it’s much cheaper at these places than in Koh Samui… Was kinda thinking of going at end of Oct for about 2 weeks… Hiaks!!! Got many days of leave to clear anyway…

Well, still deciding… still surfing around… but I find out that the rooms are not as nice as the one I had in Koh Samui… Hee… there were some of you who came to tell me that my room was so romantic and nice, plus the bathroom looked like it can be slept in… hiaks!!  Well, for those interested, they can go to the same place to try lor… whahaha… But bring along someone you love to spend romantic nights with ya, so wun feel lonely… :P  and try to stay longer because for me, 4 nights like not enough… the holiday at Koh Samui seem so short… Hai…

These few days had been sleeping earlier and earlier… last night, I slept at 10 pm plus… whahaha… can’t believe that I could actually fall asleep so early but well, I did… and I guess I had a good night’s sleep because even though a bit groggy in the morning, I thought I felt fresher than usual… well deserved sleep ba… :P 

Jus saw that there is another 10km run : The Great Eastern Women’s 10k run… Hmm… dun know should take part or not… Hahaha… Aiyah, register then say lah… whahaha… 26th Oct morning… :P

Hiaks! Registered liao… Can’t believe myself… never mind, just try ya… if I manage to survive the NIKE+human race *cross fingers*, i think i will survive the next 10km run right?? :P  hahaha… will try my best…

What is Love? Chapter 42

Damn tired… It’s like the more I sleep, the more tired I get… but if I did not get enough sleep, also feel tired… aiyoh…

Anyway, so busy and work till blur le… Hai… Hmm, since my diving trip is cancelled, was thinking of making a short trip again… But haven’t made up my mind of where to go… Or should I just stay in Singapore??? Hahaha… Was thinking of going to Phi Phi Don, Thailand… :P before the peak season (dry season between Nov and Apr) comes again… Think the hotels there got special rates during the wet season (May to Oct)… Hmm… Think better get rid of the travel bug if not, keep thinking of going overseas… hahaha… Anyway, even if I decide to go, it will be in Oct… and that’s like 3-4 months away… Wah piangz… so long… Hai…

It is busy now and it’s going to get very busier… just remembered that I have 2 major audits coming… hai, maybe can’t go for the trip le… sianz… the more I think of it, the more sianz I get… hahaha…

Another post from my story : What is Love? Chapter 42

Chapter 42

Letter 16

To my dearest Estelle,

            Mummy is sick again.  It seems like Daddy and Mummy are taking turns to fall sick every weekend.  And this time, your granny refused to let you come home in case you catch the flu bug from Mummy again.  Mummy hasn’t seen you for 4 days already and Mummy misses you very much.  But Mummy is still very sick so I try not to go visit you in case you fall sick too.  I guess both of us will just have to fight off the feeling of missing each other for the time being okay? 

            Daddy should be with you right now.  I think he is angry with Mummy because Mummy is still working even though I am sick.  But I try to make him understand that this is the election period and everybody is very busy so I cannot simply take MC unless I am really really sick, like need to hospitalize cases.  Mummy is a big girl and knows how to take care of myself so you and Daddy need not worry for me.

            Another 4 days and you will be 8 months old.  Your teeth had already broken out of the gums.  Only the bottom two.  You look very cute you know.  Always.  Daddy and Mummy will bring you go swimming soon since we already bought your swimming bikini.  Hehe… Sure look very cute one. Mummy also bought new swimming tankini because Mummy’s fat and need new swimming wear. 

            I think this election period, Mummy will be very busy and should be on duty almost every other night so I hope you understand.  Miss you so much.  I can’t wait for myself to recover soon so that I can go visit you, hug and kiss you. 

            You take care and keep trying on standing and walking and crawling and talking.  Love you. 

YOURS ALWAYS

MUMMY

27.04.06

No more ‘Redang, Here I Come!!!’

Hai… Diving trip cancelled due to poor response and my buddy’s wife’s objection to go… Hahaha… Cancelled my leave le… Hai… Thought can go for a trip to relax again… Well, just too bad for me… *sob sob*… Anyway, planning for a trip to Hongkong in Jan next year, provided Serene is free to play host and entertain my friends and I… hiaks!!  Aiyah, everytime plan le, then last minute sure got ppl say ‘cannot go because of this if not that’ that kinda thing…

Went for my test run yesterday morning and it was hot as hell… I didn’t sweat much because think I didn’t drink enough water before the run… And the 10km is so freaking long sia… And I am very sure that I will never be able to run a marathon… hahaha… I recorded the distance on my Nike+ but my distance clocked was about 12km plus, my brother’s was about 11km… so difference is about 1 km plus ba… Aiyah, whatever lah, just run on the actual day… I think I nearly got dehydrated or heat stroke yesterday because my head was throbbing and I was feeling faint while running the 2nd half of the route around the Singapore River… It was HOT lah!!! no shade somemore… and that was the morning sun… Imagine the afternoon sun on the actual race day… Hope I dun collapse lor… whahaha…

The run was tough too because of all the slopes here and there… Moreover, haven’t been running for a month or so le, so stamina not so good… Hmm, this period very busy… with all the events… Hai… sometimes think already also sad, to be busy with work… But dun really have a choice… think everyone is also busy with their own work, be it govt or private sector… Hiaks! just do it lor… complain or what also no use… Hee…

Went for a tan after run… Wah, my tan looks very nice leh… :P ‘Golden brown’ tan hor… whahaha… thought before my tan at Koh Samui fades off, better go for another one to make it more even and darker… Hmm… now look really nice le… :P 

Sianz… Work and more work… can’t wait for Oct…

Weekend is here again but no Estelle around

Hmm… Weekend is here again… Didn’t sleep till late because slept early last night… Slept at 11pm and woke up at 8am… tried to sleep a little longer since Estelle is not around but couldn’t… maybe so used to waking up early le ba… Estelle is on her way to Malaysia now.. Hmm… missing her already…

Anyway, meeting my JC friends later for some catching up… dun know why suddently feel so lazy today and just feel like lazing in bed but then got gathering later… it’s always like that.. whenever I feel like going out, it is so difficult to get ppl to go out with me… whenever I dun feel like going out, ppl ask me out… Hahaha… ironic…

Tomorrow will be doing the test run for the NIKE+ human race with my bro and his gf… 10km route… I think I haven’t been running for weeks, or maybe even 1 month le… but surprisingly, ppl say that I slimmed down… Then again, I haven’t been exercising nor have I been on a diet… My weight still remains the same… I think it’s because I was tanned after I came back from Koh Samui… So when I’m dark, I look slimmer…  Hmm… Maybe after the run in the morning, can drop by at Sentosa for a tan… hiaks!!!  I love being dark and looking healthy lor…  Hopefully it doesn’t rain tomorrow…

Oh, I finished watching the Jap drama ‘A song to the sun’…  Well, it’s kinda typical but still as touching… I guess true love means that you are willing to sacrifice everything, including your life, for the other person… Hmm… The show is also about going after your dreams… Would you choose fulfilling your dreams or would you choose your life? Hmm, that’s a million dollar question… hahaha… I think most people would choose fulfilling their dreams because you want to die without regrets… But then again, there are many ppl who fear death… Well, it’s actually how you want to live your life… a short but fulfilling life or a long but dull life…

What is Love? Chapter 41

Hai… Redang trip not confirmed because my buddy just told me that he might not get his wife’s approval to go… Aiyoh… He afraid his wife would not allow him cos’ so far, only the 2 of us is going… Then I told him that he can assure his wife that confirm there will be nothing between us cos’ firstly, I not interested in DOM and secondly, I am a ‘man’ to all my guy friends so definitely there will be no attraction de… hahaha… But well, I guess most probably his wife wouldn’t agree… So got to cancel my leave if he can’t go… Took a whole week at the end of August… thought can at least escape from work for one week after NDP and before F1 but think most probably no more escape le… sianz…

Been really busy this week too therefore couldn’t post much blogs… had been trying to sleep early because had hard time falling asleep… usually it takes me an hour to fall asleep so… Hai… dun know why so bloody difficult to fall asleep also… Think I should try to sleep early today too…

Hmm, miss Estelle… maybe drop her a call tomorrow morning before she goes to Malaysia this weekend… But then again, if I call her, she will think that I want to go and fetch her de… Hmm… Better dun call, if not she will cry for me again… Just hope that next week will pass really quickly so can see her next weekend…

Had been in a slightly better mood since the last entry… Thanks to my special someone… I think he knows about my low mood so he’s trying hard to lighten my mood and yes, he is kinda successful in doing it…  But at work, wah, not so good mood le… really busy with the events and audits coming up… well, I will survive de!!! hiaks!!!

Oh yes, very long din post my story le… here is it : What is Love? Chapter 41

Chapter 41

Letter 15

To my dearest Estelle,

                Mummy and Daddy had been busy with work and we only get to bring you home once a week.  Estelle baby, I hope you will not blame Mummy and Daddy for not spending enough time with you because sometimes circumstances just do not allow that. 

            If your grandmother moves over, at least we will get to see you more often.  But because she also has to take care of your cousin Isaac, that is why you will have to stay over at your aunt’s place.

            Mummy is no longer expecting another baby.  Baby number 2 has died in Mummy’s womb.  I do not know if you know the meaning word die but you would when you grow up.  Both Mummy and Daddy are very upset about it.  But we are also thankful that we still have you with us.  You are the cutest baby in the world you know.   

            You will be 6 months old tomorrow.  Half a year had gone by and it just seems like yesterday when Mummy had to push you out of my stomach and saw you for the first time.  Mummy will never forget that moment when the three of us were together for the first time (Daddy, Mummy and you). 

            You caught Mummy’s cold a few days ago.  Mummy really did not want to pass you the flu bug but Mummy feel very sad for not being able to take care of you when it is my off day.  And I had to be sick during my off days, my precious days when I can be solely with you.  Mummy really feels very bad.  And that is one week ago.  Tomorrow you will be back with Mummy for 2 days and then we have to put up at your aunt’s place again. 

            But it is okay.  Daddy and Mummy will spend quality time with you since nowadays you also sleep so little.  I hope you know that we love you a lot whenever we play with you, talk to you, carry you etc.  You must know that you mean everything to us so please be strong and grow up quick okay? 

MISSING YOU SO MUCH

MUMMY

31.03.06

on course again for these 2 days

me is on course for these two days.. But that doesnt stop others to call me with regards to work.. Hai… Sad sia.. Still busy when on course, sometimes I would rather be back at work so that I can clear my work.. The course is going to end now and in fact, today is alright cos time passes quite quickly…
Had been having trouble falling asleep these few weeks and kept having nightmares.. Hmm… My eyebags getting darker each day, not pretty le.. Hai..
Anyway, getting ready to ‘knock off’ from work le.. Hopefully course ends on time.. Bored as usual… Tomorrow another different course… I think that’s all the course that I will have to attend this year.. Well, good, so at least can relax for the rest of the year.. Hee..

Great weekend with Estelle…

Had a great time with Estelle this weekend… brought her out on both days cos’ next weekend she will not be with me… her daddy is bringing her back to Malaysia to attend her grandfather’s birthday… so next weekend, I’m alone again… anyway, maybe can go for swimming… it’s been months since i swam…  Estelle’s really cute when I thought her some Japanese… hahaha… the way she pronounce the words is really sweet… Hiaks!  Anyway, she looks like a Japanese… even though she wasn’t ‘Made in Japan’, I was pregnant with her when I went to Japan in 2005… hahaha… maybe it’s all the Japanese ice-cream I ate during winter then, that’s how she became so sweet… hee…

haven’t been running too… busy with work…

Had been having this persistant question in my mind… suddenly, just didn’t have the confidence at all… I can’t really clap with one hand… well, when you know you do not have the 10 years in the future to give, you will give your 100 years at the present… seize every moment because you do not know when you will lose it…  Hai…

Had been having negative thoughts too… tried to drill myself with positive thoughts but it’s hard… really hard… why can’t things be simple and smooth?  Everything will be alright, yes?  Dun even dare to think about it… Life is a bitch… Hmm…

Dreams…

I believe in dreams, do you??? most of the time, the dreams that I dreamt, actually comes true even though the ending may not be the same… I get deja-vus all the time… and recently, it happened again… I won’t really describe it now because well, only when time is right ba…

I get weird dreams all the time… probably every night… and my dreams are so lucid that I will wake up laughing or I wake up crying… the dreams feel so real and i can’t really control them… I used to record my dreams down on paper whenever the dream is imprinted in my mind… still do but not as often because really busy…

Do not dream about things that you do not want to happen… because it will… and it’s really just like, exactly like, what is in the dreams… I’m confused…. But of course, you can’t really control them isn’t it?  I just hope that the deja vu will not continue to happen… and that I will not come to a point where I have to decide who to choose… or should I say, who to give up… I am contented with what I have now… But as usual, people tend to take granted for things… I kinda feel that I’m taken granted of… when you have it, you dun treasure it… only when you lose it, you will think that you lost everything… but probably I’m just too sensitive… So what am I suppose to do?? If my marriage and family was perfect and continue to be perfect, probably I wouldn’t be in such situation now…

In fact, I hate being single… I hate the feeling of being able to choose who to be with, who to go out on a date with, who to quarrel with, who to be nice with etc… I’m not really single cos’ I"m kinda seeing someone but well, it’s not really official so… Hai… If I am attached and committed, I wouldn’t need to answer so many questions because it’s only the other partner… but when your partner give up on you, that’s another problem… I never doubt Tingwei… I never thought that he would leave me, but he did… but I dun blame him because he may have his reasons… anyway, it’s over… now I’m stuck something else… Hai… I dun know what to think, dun know what to do… Ok ok… I think I should just calm down and not think about anything yet.. just go with the flow I guess…

In psychology, dreams are actually your sub-consciousness… things that you block out during your consciousness on purpose will appear in your dreams… that is what dream interpretation is about… I kinda do some reading/research in it because of my lucid dreams since young… And I could interpret dreams, not expert but, mostly is about the thoughts and feelings of the dreamer… I’m not into Freud but more of Jung… That’s the two famous persons in the field of psychology… so for those who wants to interpret your dreams, you can come to me… hiaks!  Sometimes ppl just do not accept what their dreams mean because most of the time, the underlying desire is not what they are conscious about so they do not accept it, me included… there is always a conflict between the consciousness and the subconsciousness… state of mind between these two realms are different… usually the subconsciousness is the one that reflects the true thoughts and feelings…

today is the fourth day that I had headaches during work… so much work and so little time… practically doing everything… Hope I dun break down soon…

2 good news that I received today :

i) someone said that I looked 24/25 years old… Wow, that’s like 4-5 years old younger… Hmm… makeup really do wonders…

ii) my trip to Redang for diving in end August confirmed!!!! now got to book accomodation/dive plus coach trip… Hmm… good lor… at least got to go and relax again… my trip to Koh Samui was too short I think… Hai… should have stayed longer ya… well… maybe early next year I will be going to Phuket or Krabi… hahaha… been bitten by the travel bug so… hiaks!!!

I am drinking again to release my stress… I was an alcoholic, hope I dun really rely too much on alcohol again this time around…

What is Love? Chapter 40

It’s been a while since I post my story… Hmm… Today is the 2nd day of headache… continuous throbbing headache because of so much work… moreover, damn angry over some work issues… hai… as usual… when you are too nice, ppl take advantage of you… when you are nasty, ppl think you are being too personal about things… damn it!!! hiaks!!! Well, life’s a bitch… tomorrow will be a busy day too, morning and afternoon packed with schedules… thursday also pack with schedules… hai… hopefully i can look forward to the weekend on friday…

so busy until forgot to send out a short email even though my colleague reminded me half an hour before I went back to office in the afternoon… aiyoh…

Hmm.. suddenly had a thought… I will talk about dreams in my next post… anyway, What is Love? Chapter 40 is a short one…

Chapter 40

Letter 2 – to my angel baby

To my dearest Baby Number 2,

            You must be in Heaven right now.  Mummy and Daddy feel very sad when we found out that you do not have any heartbeat anymore.  You were formed already, like a bean shape however, there is no heartbeat.  Mummy’s heart really shattered to hear that. 

            Mummy does not know how the pregnancy can go wrong because Mummy did everything right. Everything was just like the first pregnancy but still, this happened. 

            Baby, Mummy is sorry that you can’t be brought into this world.  Mummy is upset that you have to wither off without even letting us know.  Mummy did not feel any pain in the stomach or any bleeding so we did not know.  There were no signs at all.

           Baby, Daddy and Mummy did not even see how you look like, whether you are a girl or a boy, and you have already gone… Baby Dear, Mummy feel really rotten… You could have been a cute baby, you could have been Daddy’s and Mummy’s prized possession just like your sister.                 

            But now, you will still be in our hearts and memories and always remembered, my love.  Baby Dear, you will have to remember us too, even though you never get a chance to know who we are. 

             You will always be our Baby Angel…

IN GOD’S PRAYERS ALWAYS

MUMMY

22.03.06