Writer’s block

I guess I had been suffering from writer’s block due to the low mood that I have been going through these few weeks… suddenly I dun have the ability to be feel good or feel high… Whenever it’s time to blog, my mind comes to a blank… not like previously, the thoughts just kept coming and my typing fingers were incompetent for not being able to cope with my running thoughts…

So typical of me to even write about my writer’s block when I am suffering from one… Hiaks!!!

Hmm… Going to bring Estelle back tonight since it’s a public holiday tomorrow… I dun remember narrating a cute incident previously with Estelle… I got it on video though!!! hahaha… she is really cute… Well, i think you guys will love her even more after hearing the story… :P

The other day I had to care for Estelle for a few hours as my MIL went to run some errands… Estelle and myself was at the void deck of a HDB block… As I was thirsty after not drinking for a few hours, I decided to buy a drink from the vending machine… Estelle and myself were fighting over which drinks to buy and eventually I bought Coke Zero… So we opened the can and we shared the drink… However, when it was quarter full, Estelle refused to share it with me and hogged the whole can of drink with her… She was happily drinking the coke with all the sucking sound… The sound that she made was really loud… and because it was a gassy drink, it got kinda difficult to swallow with all the gas so she will blink her eyes really hard when she was swallowing… Hahaha… really cute lor…

After drinking some, she looked down to her shirt… at first I thought she spilled the drink but then she mumbled something.. I could not hear what she was saying so I asked her to repeat what she said… Then she looked at me and said, ‘My stomach not big big yet’… With that, she happily drank from the can again… whahaha… I burst out into laughter after I heard her saying that… Aiyoh… Well, at least I managed to capture that on video… hahaha…

What is Love? Chapter 26

The mood in office isn’t so good after the announcement of the bad news about my sick colleague… Her condition was diagnosed to be Stage 4 of Lung Cancer… None of us thought that it would be in such an advanced stage… Then again, life is unpredicatble…

These few weeks had been in a low mood… Dun know why also… Hiaks!!  And I need to lose some weight… Hai… What should I do to perk myself up and be in a better mood??  I am clueless…

Chapter 26

Letter 3

To my dearest Baby,

            Hi hi there again!  It is the night again (you being active as usual) and Mummy is on night shift as usual.  Seems like Mummy is always working isn’t it?  Well, that is what Daddy always said too.  But no choice, Mummy got to work so that Mummy can contribute to Daddy’s dough for our family to live a comfortable life.

            Good news though.  I got my yearly increment this month.  So hopefully, the increment is in time for the mid year bonus in July.  Mummy will have more money to buy more things for you. 

            When you are born into this world, you must behave okay?  Grandma always tell Mummy that when you are still in Mummy’s belly, I must keep talking to you to be a good child when you come out.  I hope you can hear whatever Mummy says to you. 

            You are now in 26^th week already, which means 6½ months.  Another 2 weeks, you will be 7^th month in Mummy’s belly.  Well, you seemed very comfortable in Mummy’s belly so stay in there till you are due okay?  Please do not come out too early or else Mummy’s leave plans will be disrupted.  At least by staying in Mummy’s belly longer, you will be protected very well.  Mummy has always been very careful with you and so far, Mummy has never fall down since pregnant.  Daddy also protected you by holding Mummy’s hands and helping Mummy to carry stuff.  So do not worry, you are well taken care of. 

            I may have some expectations from you, I bet Daddy will too.  However, I do not want to emphasize it now because you are still a baby.  But I always believed that learning start from the point when you first see the world and do not stop till the last breath.  To tell you the truth, even though it might be a bit too early to say all these, but Mummy expects you to go at least to a local university (the same as Mummy).  Because Mummy believes that having a degree is very important.  20 years later, when it is your generation, I think you throw a stone on a public road; you will also hit somebody who has a degree.  Even now, it is so common, so that is the basic.   Okay, Mummy should stop saying all these because you should enjoy and learn through play when you are still a baby.  But remember to learn everyday in life. 

            Daddy and Mummy will guide you along the way.  Life is a many splendid things. There are so many things to see and know in life that you will be so astounded by it.  And you will be at your most curious stage in your life soon, when you come out to this world.  So explore, you will be encouraged by Daddy and Mummy.

            Okay, Mummy is getting a bit tired as it is late in the night.  *Yawn*.  Good night my Baby.

LOVE AND HUGS

MUMMY

10.06.05

Taxidermia

Went to catch the film ‘Taxidermia’ last night… It’s a dark, grotesque comedy about a family of 3 men of 3 generations and their bizarre behavior which runs in the family… Each yearning for different things : one for love, another for fame/success and the last one, for immortality… Kinda gory especially the parts which showed that the body was being cut up, be it human or pig… Hmm… Maybe haven’t been witnessing post-mortems nowadays, probably that is the reason why I was kinda grossed out during the film… hiaks! 

It’s kinda sad because all 3 men end up dead in pursue of their dreams & fantasies… There are many principles and issues that were stirred up during the film, which probably makes it an art film…

For those who do not love to think about the underlying message of movies, don’t watch… For those who thinks watching movies is to look into the human principles/issues and how it is being linked to everyday life presently, GO WATCH IT!!! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY ME… Hiaks!!! It’s good lah… Worth the money… Even if you ask me to pay for more to watch, I would…

What is Love? Chapter 25

Hmm… Just want to add to what I discussed yesterday, for some of you out there… Dun be ashamed to cry… But of course, dun bawl… I understand sometimes it hurts even more if the person whom is supposed to comfort you, gets angry… however, if he can’t comfort you, probably he do not know what to do or he himself is feeling all the pent up emotions ba…

Most importantly is communication… Have to convey your message to the other person in a calm manner… Take your time to cry and after composing yourself, then speak to the other person in a rational manner… most times, you will not be thinking properly while crying… so talk after you finish crying, not while you cry…

I  hope it helps… For those who needs a listening ear or someone to talk to, can always look for me de… One thing to note is that even though I was trained in counselling, I can be quite frank during the counselling sessions lor… Because I believe that being frank is the best policy instead of painting a nice picture, especially if it is a friend… Balance between your heart and mind and you will not go wrong…

Here is What is Love? Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Letter 2

To my dearest Baby,

            It is Mummy again.  Mummy is working the day shift and now waiting for Daddy to call and to come pick me up from work. 

            And he called.  Whahaha.  It has to be instinct.  When I was just talking about Daddy, he called me. 

            You have been active as usual today.  Sometimes your kicks are so strong that my body will jerk when you kick me.  It is not painful yet though it may be in the near future when you grow bigger and bigger with each day.

            Oh ya, have yet to introduce you to the rest of our immediate family.  I bet you had been listening to them a lot too.  You must be curious especially because they do not speak the same language like Daddy or Mummy.  They are doggies.  We have 3 at home.  One is ‘MoMo’ (male), one is ‘MiMi’ (female) and the last one is ‘Baby’ (female too), the baby of ‘MoMo’ and ‘MiMi’.  They are all Jack Rascals, er, I mean Jack Russells.  Anyway, when you get to see them, they are bound to lick you all over like as if you are so sweet.  They are really cute though and very naughty and also they are sure to play and disturb you a lot so be prepared. 

            Daddy and Mummy have bought a nice cot for you yesterday.  And we will be placing the cot beside our bed so that we can have you close all the time.  Whenever I go shopping with Daddy now, I always look out for things to buy for you instead of for myself.  But then, Daddy will say ‘dun buy now, later will do’.  It is like I know it will be difficult to take care of a newborn baby but I just cannot wait to see you and to hold you in my arms.  Mummy will be taking leave to look after you at least till you are about 4 months old.  After that, your grandmother will look after you whenever Daddy and Mummy is working.

            I hope you will grow up to understand that it is not that we choose to not look after you ourselves.  Of course we will try our best to make time for you however we are both busy with work.  We want to give you the best and so both of us need to work to get enough money to live comfortably.  If you are going to be as independent as Mummy, you will not have any problem if Daddy and Mummy spend too much time at work.  Well, I guess you will learn someday.

            My dearest baby, how do you feel?  Cannot wait to come out to see Daddy and Mummy too right?  No worries, you are still small and not ripe yet.  When the time comes, you will know because you will be squeezing your way out (if it is a natural birth). 

            Mummy cannot call you by name yet because we still do not know if you are a boy or girl.  But Mummy had thought of your name already.  If you are a boy, you will be called Ethan (strong and dependable).  If you are a girl, you will be called Estelle (star).  Daddy still does not know about the names because Mummy wants to keep it a secret.  Mummy has not told anyone about the names yet because I do not want anybody else to use these names for their babies (at least in our circle of friends and acquaintances), so that your name is special.  For your Chinese name, your grandmother will decide because our Mandarin is not that good.  But do not worry because Daddy and Mummy still have some say about it.

            It is not easy being a parent.  Even before I am a parent, I am already feeling all the pressures.   I do not know if I will be a good mother, but I know I will try my best.  I also know that Daddy will be a good father because he has always put in effort to be the best whenever he tries. 

            Sometimes I do not know if Daddy still loves Mummy or not.  Daddy has not said ‘I love you’ to Mummy for a long long time.  But the things he does, some brings across that messages that he still cares.  I guess your Daddy is not the verbal sort of person so be prepared too.  One thing for sure is Daddy is sure to love you because you are his flesh and blood.  Mummy will love you too. 

            Okay, Daddy should be here in a moment.  Better stop here and wait for Daddy’s call.  Talk to you again.

HUGS AND KISSES

MUMMY 

08.06.05

Crying is NOT a sign of weakness…

Men thinks that crying is a sign of weakness… Some of them thinks that it’s a weapon that women uses to get things done their way… Well, they are so wrong then… Crying is NOT a sign of weakness nor it is used as a weapon against men, and it never had been…

Crying is a release of pent-up emotions… Be it anger, happiness, fear or sadness etc… Tears of joy and laughter… Tears of anger… Tears of unhappiness or fear… Sounds familiar? 

Sometimes it’s good to have a release… which is to cry… Even for men, crying is good… So I actually encourage the guys to cry especially when emotions are very strong and real… because by keeping them inside, it will slowly built up till it explodes… For happiness it’s okay because once you built and it explodes, still alright… it’s the others like anger, fear & most of all, unhappiness… Hmm… that is the main reason (built up of unhappiness which leads to depression) why many people kill themselves for… And it must have been so bad because it takes alot of courage to actually kill yourself…

Oh yes, back to the topic of crying… And that I think men should cry sometimes too… I think men who cries are really sexy… because they are so in tune with their own emotions… of course not those crybaby type lah, a little bit of things also cry… so far haven’t seen yet, only hear before nia… Hahaha… 

So it’s okay to cry… there’s nothing shameful about it… it’s about being true to your own emotions… and dun control it cos’ you will feel worse trying to keep the tears in… Oooh, it’s pouring… haven’t been raining like this for a while… Hee… Just when I was talking about crying… Teardrops on my window… Hiaks!

Kinda pissed but well…

See title… Kinda pissed with people who can’t make up their minds… But well, it’s always me who give in right?  I guess sometimes I’m too nice… Anyway, why should I make myself so miserable and affected by it?  Hahaha… I chose to be happy so I am right now… Maybe at the start was very pissed but after a few hours, not pissed anymore…

And yes, I get taken advantage of very often because like I said, too nice lor… too soft lor… Hai… It’s just me, especially when it comes to my personal stuff… Not for work though… Hiaks!!! My colleagues should know my style of working de… Hahaha…

Really busy these few days… Like non-stop work and non-stop list of things to do at work… Hiaks!! AArrrggghhhhh!!! When will I be able to finish all my work??  Then again, work can never be done… that’s what I always tell my men… :P  just do the urgent ones and the not so urgent ones can take a slightly longer time to do… important thing is not to stress yourself too much… if not, will go crazy… Hee… *pulling out my hair*… joking lah… nothing is too much for me right??  :P

I still remembered last time when I was working at Coffee Club as a barista, there was one night when it was so busy non-stop from 6pm-10pm, I dun even have time to stop and relax for a while because the orders kept coming in (you could hear printing sounds non-stop from the machine which prints the orders)… I had to make coffee and wash the glasses and cups and heat up cakes and the ice-creams and wah lao, thousands of other things too… At the end of that shift, I just squat in a corner of the bar and cried… It’s not that I could not cope but it was so busy till I did not even have time to breathe… Hiaks!!  After the cry, felt so much better… I think that was the busiest night… And it wasn’t that nobody came in to help, just that they were also terribly busy with serving and cashiering and hosting, moreover we were short of staff too… Well, it’s an experience…

Hmm… brings me to the next topic that I will discuss tomorrow, provided I have time to blog… Crying is NOT a sign of weakness… Hee… I cry really easily… How?  :P

What is Love? Chapter 24

Hmm… My story kinda halfway through le… I  have, let me see, 71 chapters… Ya, about there… anyway, the next few chapters will be heart warming and at the same time, heart wrenching, in a way… Because no one knew that we would end up in this path… everything seemed so perfect… well, I guess that’s just life…

Chapter 24

                I wrote a series of letters addressed to Estelle while she was still in my womb.  And the letters would describe what I felt and thought about the family.  From the letters, signs of the family breaking down were quite obvious however, I thought it was just normal as T* and my role changed, from married couple to parents so I just brushed it off.  As attached below, there are about 13 letters written to her before her birth and after her birth, about 4.

Letter 1

To my dearest Baby,

            You are about 6 months old in Mummy’s belly.  And you are growing bigger everyday.  By the time you read this, probably it is when you can read or when you are having your own baby.  Mummy will only hand you the letters at the right time, I guess.

            Daddy and Mummy are very excited about you, coming into this world.  Though the truth is life is full of ups and downs, life is also fulfilling, rewarding and full of different experiences which make you grow as a person.  It was not easy when we found out that you might have some birth defects when you were about 3 months old.  However, Thank God, that the test results showed that the probability was very low and we knew that you are going to be alright.   

            The feeling of you in me is indescribable.  You know, I love Daddy very much and I am happy to have you with him.  Daddy was not really expecting you as you were not in our plans yet, but still, Daddy is happy like I am too.  He wants you to be a boy, but I want you to be a girl.  The scans are not telling yet though so I guess we will have to wait till you are out of my belly and we shall see if who is correct.  But it does not matter if you are a boy or a girl, as long as you are a healthy and happy baby, we are satisfied. 

            Daddy and Mummy are so excited that every time we go out shopping, we are looking out for things to buy for you to use.  We want that best for you but also do not want to spoil you.  Well, I do not know about Daddy, but I want you to be at least, a person who is independent and intelligent.  With that, you can never go wrong.  I guess you will be like Daddy or Mummy as a person so you should turn out alright. 

            You kicked again.  It feels good to know that you are active and maybe you are seeing and hearing what I am seeing and hearing too.  And you will get to see and hear yourself when you come out into this world in Sept 05.  Mummy is now working the graveyard shift at Mummy’s office at Marine Parade NPC.  Once you are older, you will know that Mummy is working as a police officer and Daddy is working as a soldier. 

            And Daddy just called to say hi.  It is nice to hear Daddy’s voice all the time.  You will know it when you hear him too.  Let me describe Daddy to you: he is tall, dark, handsome, caring, wonderful cook, supportive, smart, loving, funny etc.  You will have more to say about him when you get to know him soon.

            This is the first letter that Mummy is writing to you.  And there will be more to come, when I feel that I want to say something to you, even though now you are still too young to understand all these.  It would be great to have a collection of what is happening before you can understand what life is. 

            Having a baby is not easy and it is a great task for both parents, like Daddy and Mummy, to take and to go through it.  I hope one day you will understand how much we had gone through to have you and hopefully your future brothers/sisters.  Do not worry because Daddy and Mummy is planning to have another baby besides you so that you have some companionship.  Well, I want 2 children but Daddy wants more.  I do not know if he is joking but with this combination, we will have at least 2 children if nature permits. 

            I think you got my message since you are kicking hard in my belly again.  Okay for now, Mummy got to work already.  So you take care in there and I will speak to you soon.  Good night my baby and see you really soon!

WITH LOTS OF LOVE

MUMMY

06.06.05   

Bad news

Estelle spent her weekend with me and I realised that she is kinda enjoying the company of my brother and his gf more than my company… whahaha… Unless they are not around, then she got no choice but to make do and play with me… Hai… And she’s still as talkative… She likes to talk non-stop even though she lose her train of thoughts and starts to talk about other things which doesn’t concern her first discussion point.. whahaha… Really cute… But as usual, kids will be kids… sometimes they just drive you crazy… Hiaks!!!

Just heard that my colleague has been diagnosed with cancer… But doctors dun know cancer of what yet… Life is unpredictable right?  Hmm… Hope she gets well really soon… Well, life is unpredictable but the world goes on and does not stops for anyone…

Haven’t been blogging for 4-5 days because had been busy with work… I had 6 meetings in a period of 2 & 1/2 days… Aiyoh, non-stop meetings and only had time for lunch break… Anyway, many other things to do at office too… suddenly all the bad news and bad luck comes… Hmm… maybe it’s bad aura after the kitten had passed away… Hai…  Usually with the bad aura, all the bad things start to come together… it happened at my previous workplace also… everybody’s relatives started getting sick and dying, then many complaints came in and got ppl into trouble, then relationships got broken up… all in a few months’ period… bad aura… think we are having it at my current workplace now too… Hai… I’m superstitious however I’m not crazy over it… so I wun do anything special but just let the bad aura dissipate by itself… what goes up must come down… what goes down must come up… Newton’s law of motion : To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction… Hmm…

Was thinking of a short trip in June cos’ can’t confirm trip to Redang in Sept due to unforeseen circumstances of travelling partners… Hiaks!!  Need a break lah… The Tioman trip seemed so long time ago but actually it’s only a month ago… Hai…

Oh yes, my TOSHIBA laptop has been repaired and guess what was wrong with it?  Motherboard went crazy and they got to replace it… Fortunately it was still under warrenty… I asked the guys at Toshiba what causes it and they just kept quiet… With that, I paid another $99 dollars for extension of warranty for another year… Damn it… I wouldn’t want another case of spoiled motherboard in another year’s time and then I have to pay for the replacement and repairs… Kena sai…

Oh yes, I kinda declared war with someone at work since the past few days… Because I just cannot stand those ppl who tries to push their own responsibilities to other ppl, even though the fellow did not push to me but I just cannot stand what he did… Knn… So I spoke up but dun know what my boss think cos’ he also did not say anything… Pui!! well, I knew about that fellow’s character cos’ knew him previously at other divisions… I was nice but was treated like a fool, then my nasty side will show liao.. whahaha… wrote a damn nasty email back to that fellow… I receive all the sms applauding what I did from others after I sent out the nasty email.. whahaha… so funny… :P  Hmm… see how it goes… I can be very nasty de lor…

Teeth + What is Love? Chapter 23

Just when I was discussing about cancer and life is short etc yesterday, 2 bad news came about after the post… When I was visiting my colleague at the hospital ICU, she informed that doctor said it could be infection or it could be cancer… Hai… So sad but encouraged her to look on the bright side of things… Then when we came back, another colleague told me that our new resident (a very very cute tabby kitten) at our office had been knocked down by a stupid car at the carpark area… *sob sob*… so sad… actually the day before, I carried the cat and patted her and Hai… wanted to take photo with her but thought that since she is going to be a perm resident, got many chances to take photos with her, so didn’t… That is why I always say, when you want to do something, just do it… dun wait till you have no more chance to do it next time… Hai…

On a lighter note, I went to watch ‘Teeth’ last night… So funny though a bit disgusting… Hiaks!!!  But it’s good to see how helpless the nasty guys were when they had their *bleep* bitten off… whahaha… Hmm… I bet the guys who watch the movie will squirm while the girls have lots of laugh… Hee… Basically the film is about a girl struggling with her own sexual urges and also how she uses her body mutation to protect herself, for survival and vengence… :P  Actually it’s a myth that such mutation exists…

Googled the term and found out that there is acutally an anti-rape device which can be inserted into the vaginal canal like a diaphragm. The product is lined with microscopic barbs which attach to a rapist’s *bleep* and which must be surgically removed. The inventor of this device stated that she was inspired to invent the device after meeting a rape victim who told her, "If only I’d teeth down there."  Wahahaha…. Didn’t know such things exist, quite cool… :P

The film is short and I think there were still some censored parts even though it had been rated R21… Hmm…

Anyway, here is What is Love? Chapter 23

Chapter 23

At about five months pregnant, I went for a scan on the baby again to check for any genetic abnormalities.  The doctor found out that the foetus had thick neck skin which is a sign of Down’s syndrome.  I was very upset and so scared that our baby would not be normal.  The doctor advised me to go see a specialist and see if any further tests would be required to confirm the diagnosis. 

                A further appointment was made to see the specialist.  There were some options available to test out for Down’s syndrome.  I choose the mildest one first as I did not want to risk of losing our baby if I were to take the amniotic fluid test.  The doctor did the scan and then calculated the probability of having a Down’s syndrome baby.  And they do not tell you on the spot about the probability.  They also took some blood tests and told me to wait for two weeks for the results of the tests.

                The two weeks were grueling.  Every day I cried, fearing for the worst.  I really did not wish to lose this baby to any abnormality.  I wanted our baby to be perfect.  Well, at least normal.  T* was again supportive.  He told me not to be pessimistic and look towards the future, for the best.  I understand where he was coming from when he told me not to cry and not to be upset as it would affect our baby.  I became more optimistic and when I felt our baby moved in my belly, it made my day.  Even though there may be a chance that our baby would be abnormal, till the results day, I would continue to live my life and be happy, for the sake of our baby.

                Test results were out and it was a low probability that our baby will be abnormal. Thank God again! The sex of our baby could not be determined then, as our baby had its legs closed.  But at least, we had a sigh of relief as it is normal.  It doesn’t matter if she is a girl or if he is a boy. 

                Because of gestational diabetes, the doctor had to schedule a day to induce labour as my baby would be too big for normal delivery if we were to wait full term.  I had to deliver the baby as soon as possible once the baby is matured.  It was at the 37^th week and I had an induced labour.  I checked into the hospital on 31^st Aug 2005 early morning at 4am.  I only delivered Estelle in the afternoon on 1^st Sept in the afternoon. I was in labour for about 30 hours or more. Estelle is as beautiful as she can be.  She is the perfect princess of T* and Ivy.

Life is short - play hard!

Eh, so happen that the title is also the caption for NIKE… Just got to know that one of my colleagues (in her fifties and yes, in my department, I am one of the youngest, suddenly feel so young again, hiaks!) has been warded in the ICU since yesterday for ‘Pericardial effusion’…

Pericardial effusion is an abnormal accumulation of fluid in the pericardial cavity.  Because of the limited amount of space in the pericardial cavity, fluid accumulation will lead to an increased intrapericardial pressure and this can negatively affect heart function.  When there is a pericardial effusion with enough pressure to adversely affect heart function, this is called cardiac tamponade.  Pericardial effusion ususally results from a disturbed equilibrium between the production and the re-absorption of pericardial fluid or from a structural abnormality that allows fluid to enter the pericardial cavity.

I bet all of you would not know what the hell was that unless you are a doctor… I have never heard of this before but well, you learn something everyday… And there are many medical conditions which we are not aware of… That is why my title is ‘Life is short - play hard’… My colleague was alright the day before and the next thing you know, she was in ICU… Hmm…

I know some people are afraid of death… Probably because of the unknown which tags along with it… But for me, I passed that phase… I remembered that there was a time when I was so afraid of dying because I know that I will cease to exist, that I will not remember anything about my life, no life means no memories… that I will just disappear into thin air… I wasn’t a strong believer about life after death because all along, I am a scientific person so when there is no scientific explanation, it’s kinda hard to believe… so it all boils down to faith…

Subsequently, I realise that though destiny is in your own hands, there are some things which you can’t control… And then the things about angels & miracles… Hmm… That was the turn-around for me… So since the realisation, I am not afraid of death anymore…

I know the fact that life is short because I nearly died twice before… Life is so fragile and precious… You never know when you are going to die… Even healthy people (people who dun smoke, dun drink, who eat healthy food etc) also get cancer… Therefore, my principle is Life is Short, Play Hard!!!  Hee… Make a list of to-dos… things you feel that you have to do at least once in your lifetime… check as many to-dos as possible so that you will not feel any regrets when you are dying… Well, the list is not exhaustive and there will definitely be alot of add-ons… go ahead and have fun with the list… it doesn’t need to have extremely difficult or impossible to-dos but simple things like ‘Spend a whole day in bed’ or ‘Make a giant sandwich’ will do…

The idea of having alot of checks on the list means having done alot of things in your lifetime… Things that you would WANT to do other than the norm, not NEED to do… The list can consists of things which is of different level of difficulties in completing… Trust me, you will feel empowered whenever you complete each to-dos… Hee… The to-do list is especially good for people who is going through mid-life crisis, people who have no direction in life, people who are currently down in the dumps etc… Actually it’s good for everyone lah… Hmm…

My major to-dos takes alot of time and effort to plan… Hmm… Plans for further studies will be shelved as I did not manage to get the sponsorship… So next will be Class 2B??  Still deciding on whether to go take it or not… cos’ I’m a bit short and it might be a challenge for me to actually ride on the bike… :P But I can imagine myself on a Vespa after I pass my license… hiaks!!!  Pink-coloured Vespa somemore… whahaha…

Great weekend

I could say that I had a great weekend with Estelle last week!! Well, even though we did not go out for shopping or play, I enjoyed the time spent with her at home… Cos’ it’s been so long since we see each other… She was cool and so was I… Hee… I just can’t help but kept watching her when she was asleep… She looked so peaceful… Hee… And I always love it when she just wakes up… A bit blur blur and smiling at me… There were times when she hugged me while we were spooning… Hee… She was hugging me from my back… There was also this time when she just woke up and still blur blur lying on the bed, I asked her if I can sleep with her… She nodded her head and I laid with her… then she hugged my neck from my back… Hee… so sweet de!!! Better hug and kiss more before she grows up and thinks that all these are mushy and disgusting… Hiaks!

Had my plentiful sleep last weekend too cos’ manage to sleep with Estelle when she slept… However, think slept too much till I couldn’t sleep till 3 am last night… Waaahhhh!!! Head spinning now… *yawn*… Oh… even after my run aroung Sengkang estate of about 6km @ 9pm last night, I still couldn’t get myself to sleep… I think I was more energised in fact… Aiyoh…

What was surprising was, I actually had the urge to go running myself!!! OMG, how can it be possible???  I hate running right??? :P dun know why there was a sudden urge to go for a run last night… My brother lent me the NIKE+ipod thingie which measures the run in terms of distance and timing, to let me try out the system… Hmm, dun think I will get one because to me, I dun think I will run that often (as compared to rollerblading :P, wah, very long also never rollerblade le) and also, to me, as long as I finish the distance I set myself (of course in any time of the run, MUST NOT STOP lah), doesn’t matter how much time I take, it’s considered that I reached my goal le…  if I stop during my run, considered I failed le… Basically, during my runs, I have never stopped before… cos’ I know if I stop, I can’t start running again… so just press on…  Hee…

Need to inoculate the habit of exercising in my lifestyle… And shopping is definitely not considered as a form of exercise… :P 

Feeling low these few days + What is Love? Chapter 22

Dun know why I have that feeling… The feeling of being low… Not sadness but just no happy feelings… Hmm… Hopefully tonight’s gathering with friends will be uplifting my spirits…

Estelle will finally be back tomorrow afternoon!!! From Taiwan… Hee… Her first trip overseas… but not with me… Hai… Well, hope that she had great fun there… The other day I received a call from her and she was crying over the phone and she kept saying ‘I want Mummy..’  When I heard her cry, I felt so helpless… All I could say was ‘You will get to see Mummy soon k?  Pls be a good girl..’ Hai… Can’t even hug her to console her… Usually if she cries over at my  place, I will go over and hug her to console her… After about less than a minute, she stops crying… Probably she felt comforted by my hug ba… Anyway, will be fetching her from airport tomorrow… Hee.. can’t wait to see her and hug her and kiss her again…

Had been thinking about some things these few days… Should I or should I not???  Sometimes it’s just so difficult to decide on something… Especially when something is so close to your heart… I guess I should just shelf the question first and then decide later after getting more information, from myself and others ba… Hmm… No worries, I’m alright… just feeling not that good…

Another chapter for this week… What is Love? Chapter 22

Chapter 22

                It was January 2005 and I missed my period.  I bought a pregnancy test kit and actually I was kind of praying that I am not pregnant because I knew that T* would not be happy.  But it was positive.  I had mixed feelings when I saw the blue cross on the kit which showed that I was pregnant.  I was upset because I knew that T* would be unhappy but I was happy that God gave me a baby as I had been longing for one even though I was not prepared for one.  I stared at it and was stoned for a moment while I was sitting on top of the toilet seat.  I did not know how to put it to T*.  But I knew that I had to tell him about it eventually.  So I went into the room and just showed it to him.  I told him that it was positive.  He stoned for a moment too but he did not look happy. He then hugged me and said that since it happened, we should just keep the baby.

                I was glad that T* was understanding enough and supported me to keep the baby.  We had planned to go to Japan in February and already bought the tickets there.  We went ahead for our honeymoon even though I had very bad morning sickness.  I enjoyed myself very much as Japan was a place that I wanted to go again before. I had gone there with my family when I was seven.  So I was glad that I was able to go there again with a loved one who was T*.  I would never thought of going there with anybody else. 

                During our trip, T* was also very sweet and nice to me.  He would take good care of me and made sure that I had everything when we were in a foreign place.  He made sure that I was not lost and that I got everything that I wanted.  I knew that he would have to sacrifice for not being able to take the rides at Disneyland and Universal Studios because I was pregnant and I would encourage him to go take the rides as I could always wait for him at another side.  I mean, Japan is much safer than other countries so he would not need to worry about me. I guess he would not have enjoyed himself much if he was to take the rides alone therefore he also did not take much rides at the theme parks.

                Our trip to Japan did not threaten my pregnancy, thank God, as I was still in my first trimester when we took the plane to go to Japan.  Into my second trimester, I was diagnosed to have gestational diabetes.  I had to cut down on food intake and most importantly, sugar intake.  I lost some weight and did not gain any weight during my first five months of pregnancy.  It was hard but I had to fight for our baby.  I did not want any pregnancy complications.  Even though the sweets were tempting and I got hungry very easily, I had to fight the craving and could not have anything I liked as compared to other pregnant women. 

What is Love? Chapter 21

My TOSHIBA laptop can’t bloody boot!!! Damn it… Now my colleague is assisting me to find out what the bloody problem is… Like I said before, TOSHIBA laptops SUCKS BIG TIME!!! And it just cross the one year old mark which means it’s not under warrenty anymore… *pui*… $%!@#$#@!!!  Angry sia… I didn’t drop it or knock it or whatever… for no reason, it just can’t boot up… Not the first time I had problems with the laptop… First it was the speakers, then it’s the bluetooth software, then now this… Hai… Should be sending it for repair unless my colleague is able to repair it…

Anyway, here it is… What is Love? Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Two years into our marriage, he withdrew from me and declared cold war with me.  He refused to speak to me for days and picked on me and criticized me all the time.  Something was wrong, but I did not know what.  Somehow, he spoke to a close friend of his and I managed to speak to the friend.  T* told the friend that he wanted out of this relationship just because I did not do any household chores.  But I did, even though it was not much.  I admit that this was my fault.  As a wife, I was supposed to keep the house clean but work has been busy for me.  I was an Investigation Officer and I did about eight to nine tours per month.  Other than the tours, it was office hours however there were always a need to stay back late to do investigations and to do extra security duties or raids.  So every time when I come back home, I was too tired.  Maybe I was lazy and people will say that I was just giving excuses but that was how I felt. 

                T* decided to give it a go on our relationship again and I did more household chores.  To me, things got back to the way it was and we were happy.  I did not know that he was unhappy till two years later.  I was contented even though he may be spending a lot of his time at the computer.  Because I know he needed his own space and I did not want to dictate how much time he spend on his own hobby. 

                I did mentioned about children before we got married and also after we got married.  Before we got married, he had the same idea of having children at a young age.  However, after we got married, he did not want to have any children.  I was upset but I did not want to push him to have children, probably he was not ready to be a father. 

                Things went back to the way it was.  From my point of view, we were happy again.  I did more household chores but I only know now that it is still not enough for him.  I had stopped taking the contraceptive pills because I find that it was no point for me to take since previously I was on rhythmic method and I had always been on time.  So just save up the money of the pills. 

                Estelle, our daughter, was conceived during a night, just before Christmas, when T* and I went drinking and partying at a friend’s birthday party.  I was very high on alcohol and when we came back, I counted the days and it was the safe period.  However, when I looked at the diary again the following day whereby I was more sober, I discovered that I had counted wrongly.  I counted a week more than the actual one.  I did not think that we would be so lucky to conceive with a shot at it so I never thought that I would get pregnant. 

Built To Last

Built to Last by Melee

I’ve looked for love in stranger places,

But never found someone like you.

Someone whose smile makes me feel I’ve been holding back,

And now there’s nothing I can’t do.

*Cause this is real, and this is good.

It warms you inside just like it should.

But most of all, it’s built to last.

All of our friends saw from the start.

So why didn’t we believe it too?

Whoa yeah, now look where we are.

You’re in my heart now.

And there’s no escaping it for you.

Repeat *

Walking on the hills that night with those fireworks and candlelight

You and I were made to get love right

Repeat *

Cause you are the sun in my universe

Considered the best when we’ve felt the worst

And most of all, it’s built to last.

This song should be familiar to all of you… I think it had been used in a Samsung advertisement too… And I guess those who hear this song would have loved this song because it’s a ‘Happy’ song and it’s really catchy… Whenever I hear the song, even though it’s a happy song but dun know why it will always makes me tear everytime… Probably it’s the warm feeling and the feeling of being touched by the lyrics when hearing the song…

If you have yet to see the music video, go catch it on YouTube… It’s really sweet… I think everyone will wish that their loves are as simple and pure and innocent like those in the music video… Even though most people wish that their love are just like that, to them, sweet and innocent love probably doesn’t exist in reality… To me, it does, it’s just about meeting the right person and making it right… Takes alot of effort to make the relationship work and last, that was why the title says Built to last which means, love has to be BUILT upon… Not wish upon or hope upon or think upon…

Enjoy the song ya!!!

Important thing is to be happy… Even though I had been hurt in love so many times, there’s always a part of me which thinks that one day, some day, I will be able to sing this song to someone or someone will be singing it to me… Hmm, just a matter of time I guess…

Happened to write about this song cos’ heard it on the radio when I was thinking about what to write… Hiaks!!  Since it’s a Happy song, thought I share it with you guys too… Hee…

Win some, Lose some (numbers’ game)

Since Estelle wasn’t around last weekend, spent my time with MJ marathon however, it wasn’t so fruitful… My luck hasn’t been good since I was born… But there are times when it is good lah… basically, idea is win some, lose some… I am not addicted to gambling and most of the times, I play for fun nia… And I dun play big… Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose…

It’s like though my luck for MJ not so good for the weekend, for the past 2 weeks, I strike 4D twice… :P 1st time somemore… Though I dun always buy 4D religiously, I had never won anything in 4D for my whole life until 2 weeks ago… I bought 1 big, 1 small and I won starter prize which is $250/- (I spent $72/- for 3 draws, 1516 roll)… last week, I bought 2 big, 1 small and I won consolation prize which is $120/- (I spent $27/-, bought actual numbers, 0482, 2840, 4820, no roll this time)… 

Hmm… I only buy 4D when I dream of the numbers or the numbers mysteriously became so obvious… I still remembered that there was this time when I dreamt of the number 3756 however, I did not buy… In the end, number came out starters… But I did not buy cos’ I thought it will not be drawn… Hai… so after that, whenever I dream of the number, must buy lor… but after that, I dreamt of another number 1812 but it wasn’t drawn… since then, did not dream of any number till 1516 (which coincidentally is my phone number)… so MUST buy right?  Wah lao, thought roll mah since my first time 3756 came out mixed up… But hor, the actual number 1516 came out!!! Wah piangz… sometimes it’s just so weird one lor…  Maybe if I dun buy roll, 1516 may not even be drawn right?? Well, at least win lah…

Then came about the numbers 0482, 4820 & 2840… I did not dream of these numbers but it was more like a mysteriously came in my mind… I was with a dear friend in Woodlands and was accompanying him to look for an address location (he did not tell me which block he was going to, he just told me in Woodlands)… While he turned into a carpark, he asked me what the block number was on my left… I thought I saw 482, so I told him ‘482′… But when we approached nearer to it, it was actually 491… My friend was like ‘How come you see it as 482? when 491 doesn’t even look similar to 482?’… Then he continued, ‘By the way, how do you know I am going to block 482?’… Eh! but seriously, I thought I saw 482 on the flat… Hmm… So I thought it was weird that was why I bought the 3 numbers… Since I did not dream of it, I thought no point rolling, chances of the numbers coming out will be slim too… But it came out!!! Aiyoh, I was so shock leh…

Anyway, will still stick to my principles which is if I dream of the number, MUST buy… if numbers appear weirdly, also MUST buy but dun need to roll… No numbers, then save up the money… no need to buy every week… Hee… Friends out there, no need to ask me for a treat… cos’ my winnings (after minus cost price of buying ticket and minus taxi fare after MJ) are just enough to cover my losses for MJ… :P  that is why I say, win some, lose some… maybe next time if I win 1st prize, then say ah…

Win some, lose some… applicable to life too right?  Hmm… that’s another thought…

What is Love? Chapter 20

For those who have read the original post of this entry, you will know what happened… Anyway, deleted it because eventually we compromised and came to a conclusion… He just talked to me nicely and I am glad about the compromising… I am not someone who is unreasonable… Most importantly is to settle things amicably…

Well, here is What is Love? Chapter 20

Chapter 20

We ROMed on 21^st February 2002.  We wanted to choose the date 20^th February 2002 however it was fully booked.  The date if written numerically will be 20.02.2002.  But since the date was fully booked, we chose 21^st February as we had became a couple on 21^st January 2001.  During this period of time, T* had been very enthusiastic about our new house and its renovation.  I knew that it had been hard on him as most of the time, I was in camp and I could not go with him to meet up with the contractor and could not monitor the renovations.  I wished I could because it was our house, our love nest.  By June 2002, our house was completed and we moved in straightaway.

At that time, I also finished my training in Training Command.  I was then posted to Tanglin Police Division as an Investigation Officer.  Work was crazy.  I was busy taking tours of duty and also investigations in my cases.  But still, I managed to clear my stuff and made the effort to meet up with T* for dinner whenever he was on morning shift or off days.  He would send me to work and pick me up from work.  But sometimes, he would have to wait for a while because whenever he comes, I would have some stupid things given by my boss to settle before I could leave office.  I felt frustrated because all I wanted was to meet up with T*, I did not want him to wait for me for too long. 

Everything was still smooth with our relationship.  We were still passionately in love with each other.  There were some quarrels, though not many, which we seldom had when we were dating.  We started to see things differently, maybe because we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, but husband and wife.  I always felt that the quarrels were minor and we need not put each other down due to small nitty gritty stuff or details.  He never did pay any attention to all those things when we were dating. When we quarreled, he would declare cold war with me and stop talking to me for a few days.  But afterwards, he would come back to me and say that he was sorry for behaving like this.  And we would discuss what went wrong and that we want to work things out.  That was last time, things are different now.

We would go out for movies, for dinners, for fishing etc.  We did everything as a pair.  Wherever he was, I would be there.  Wherever I was, he would be there.  Everyone knew us as a couple.  We loved to joke around with each other.  But slowly, he seemed to be more serious and tend to withdraw from me.  I thought that maybe it was work or otherwise and when I asked him, he said that he needed his space.  So when I realized that he was someone who needed his space, I gave him space and I did not want to shove things in his face. 

Why are men so fickle-minded?

I think alot of women out there will agree to the topic above…  Actually the tables seemed to have turned to the men…  Men, now, are as fickle-minded as the women, if not more fickle-minded…  Once they decided or made up their minds, within a second/minute, they change their minds and a second/minute later, they change their minds again…

Let me give you an example… I have a dear friend who shows this characteristic very clearly whenever we go for dinners… Usually, he will ask me, ‘Where you want to go for dinner?’ or ‘What you feel like having?’… If you think it carefully, it’s always the guys who ask first so that they do not have to make the decision… If the gals reply, ‘Anything.’, then the guys will say that the gals cannot make decisions or do not have their own minds (constitutes ‘brainless’) for replying with that safe and common answer… In fact, if the gals ask the same questions, the guys will also give the same answer… Worse is, the guys will not only answer ‘Anything’ but add another question at the end e.g. ‘Anything. What you want to eat?’, to throw the ball back to the gal’s court.. *pengz*  If the gal knows, she wouldn’t have ask him right?  But we dun feel that the guys cannot make decisions but rather, we know that the guys also dun know where to have dinner mah… That is how different both sexes think…

Anyway, back to the topic of fickle-mindedness… So my dear friend will ask me ‘What you want to eat?’.. Usually I have ideas to go to somewhere to eat and eat what… So probably I give an example like ‘Let’s go Waraku to have Japanese food.’  Then he will say ‘Ok.’  While on the way there, he will then say something like ‘Why dun we go eat steamboat?’ that kinda things… Or on the way there, he will say ‘Eh, the shop looks like it’s serving good food, why dun we go there and try?’… Then I think to myself : Eh! you got suggestions what… If you have an idea in mind, then I dun have to think so hard but just choose from the options that you give nia.. Think so hard to come up with a destination le then now want to change place… *vomit blood*… Hai… Of course I dun read my thoughts aloud… usually I will reply ‘I thought we decided le?  Then you decide ba.’  Wah piangz…  Anyway, I’m very easy-going and when it comes to food, I’m okay with everything…

That is just an example… I dun know why nowadays guys are getting more fickle-minded when the male species had always been thought to be more decisive than women (because men had always been the leader since a long long time ago)… Fickle-mindedness is not about changing of plans… Fickle-mindedness is about changing of DECISIONS… For me, once I decide, I dun change my mind unless it is damn necessary… if not, I dun like to backtrack and then make a different decision…

I am not complaining… It’s just that I am seeing this phenomenon (men being more fickle-minded than women) spreading everywhere… If more time is needed to make a decision, take as long as needed but once a decision is made, dun change it… because sometimes things can’t be changed, decisions cannot be reversed, even if you want it to…  Fortunately, I am not much of a fickle-minded person… 

Another broke down

Caught up with some friends last night and found out that a marriage of a distant friend had broken down since early this year… Did not expect it as the husband did not looked that he would do things to hurt his wife… I dun mean physical abuse but more of verbal & emotional abuse… Even though the husband and wife dun look like the type who will stray, I thought it had to be to the point whereby the marriage was beyond salvage when there is a 3rd party…  Be it husband or wife…

Sounds so familiar… before anything can be solve, 3rd party came in and made matter worse… but of course, the guys will always say that they do not have lovers and if they admit, that it’s not the lovers’ fault… Hiaks!  It’s always the wives’ fault mah… What the hell???!!! I guess they are saying that to make themselves better after they felt the guilt that they did wrong to their wives… Oh, sounds even more familiar when apparently, wife’s friends who are also the husband’s colleagues, (i think maybe it’s their culture at their workplace, when they see married man/woman together behaving really close/intimate with another colleague, they think it’s alright and acceptable) saw him very close to another female colleague, did not warn her and till now, she knows nuts… And she still thinks her husband is the BEST man in the world and that she still loves him and that she will never find someone else better than him… *pengz* If I know her personally, I would tell her straight in the face to wake up her bloody idea and that if he is the bloody best man in the world, he would have not file for divorce and hurt her lor… WTF???  Hai, really sad for her… She got married when she was in her early 20s (eh, sounds familiar again) and spent her youth on her husband and what did she get in the end?  Nothing… only hurt and blame… Sometimes people are just not contented with what they have… Good luck to the husband and his new lover… What goes around, comes around… Just hope that the wifey will move on soon… Fortunately, they do not have any children…

I think maybe I should set up a support group for those wives who had been betrayed/cheated/deserted by their husbands… Dun know why nowadays the husbands think that it’s okay to give up their wife for someone else… And they dun feel guilty somemore… Dun feel guilty is bad enough, they feel that what they are doing is RIGHT somemore… *pengz*… The wives suffered to bear children for the husbands and end up having to sacrifice their beautiful body and bear with all the pain… Afterwhich, husbands dun even feel grateful about it… If no wives, they think they will have children ah???  When the husbands enjoying the company of their children, have they ever remembered who are the ones who gave them the children??  Apparently they dun… The husbands cannot remember how the wives’ went through the gruelling 9 months of pregnancy and the tough and painful labour to bear the child…

But it’s okay… Good riddance to those husbands who do wrong to their wives… It’s always a blessing in disguise… Better to divorce than to live in suffering… And at least, the wives can move on and who knows?  A better man usually comes along… Hmm… But got to be real careful again… Most importantly, be true to yourself and live with no regrets… There are lessons to be learnt from the previous marriage and hopefully, can be put to good use in the future…

Move on from the previous marriage amicably, even if you feel that the other person has done you wrong… Nobody is perfect and no matter how, it takes 2 hands to clap… Marriage broke down and both parties will have some fault… doesn’t matter who have more fault… Important thing is whether both parties are willing to compromise and work on the relationship.. If not or it’s one-sided, it would be better off going seperate ways… No point hanging onto something which you know is hopeless…

I survived and still surviving… Yesterday just managed to compromise the terms and conditions of the divorce with Tingwei… Well, I’m glad both of us can compromise even though we may feel that we are not getting the best deals from each other… but well, as long as for the good of Estelle… I guess probably you guys would say that my divorce is not final yet and the reality had not set in until I signed the papers… But I think I’m different from other women… To me, reality sets in when I totally give up on the relationship… Be it status still married and still sleeping on the same bed… That was the most difficult time for me… When reality sets in… Slowly time will heal all wounds and you start to live life again as a single… Love dies slowly till there is no more love and that’s when you feel that you can’t sleep on the same bed and eventually, can’t sleep under the same roof…

Actually surviving encompasses alot of things… Important thing is, NEVER give up on life… NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!  There will only be hope when there is life…

For those who feel that they need someone to confide in, or need someone to listen to them, or who just need someone to be there, can always call me… I had been through it and I know it’s really hard… And it’s always good to have support from family and friends…

YOU DESERVE THE BEST…