Mother & Daughter
Had a long talk with my mum last night… Guess this is one of the first few times that I talked more than my mother… Basically about my previous marriage with Tingwei and what happened… Blame it on communication breakdown and not understanding each other… Finally she agreed that sometimes relationships could breakdown due to miscommunication and stuff like that… At least, I felt that she finally understood… Previously didn’t want to talk much to her about my feelings because most of the time, she doesn’t understands my point of view so I would rather keep quiet about it… Moreover, among my bro and I, I had always been the child that is more rebellious, more experimental, more self-driven since young… Guess still is now so it will be quite difficult to accept that my mum will understand me cos’ all along, she doesn’t…
She’s right about one thing… Because I keep thinking, since young, that she scolds me, nags at me etc is due to the fact that she is the authoritative mother figure… She asked me why can’t I treat her as a friend like how I want Estelle to treat me… But it’s a fact right? I mean it’s very difficult to change things now as all along, it’s been like that… moreover, since young, I dun experience authoritative father figure so my mum took both positions which makes it even harder to approach her when it comes to personal stuff like feelings and emotions… everything, be it good or bad, I just swallow them myself… just be the cheerful Ivy, the one who usually lights up other’s lives, the one who makes the world a funnier place to live in… Or in simple terms, I’m the clown… But who actually knows that there are times when Ivy is not feeling that cheerful but upset… not just in my family but among friends too… I dun deny that there are a few friends who knows during the times when there were frowns behind the smiles, but it’s very few nia… Hee… Well, that’s just me ba… The cheerful Ivy…
Maybe Estelle will feel this way too… That I’m the authoritative figure even though I’m just trying to be friendly… Estelle is afraid of me whenever I got angry… Whenever she don’t listen to me, I will let her do what she wants and that I will not interfere with what she does anymore… If she knows that it’s wrong, she will then cry whenever I said that… Actually she knows what’s wrong and right.. Sometimes, she just wants to try her luck… Hmm… I dun believe in using physical punishment in teaching a child so I had never raise a hand on Estelle… Maybe we have a connection or what… Whenever I need to bring across a very serious message, I will stop whatever she is doing, let her look into my eyes and I say whatever I want to say… Most of the time, it works… Hmm… Better dun say that too early… *Cross fingers*…
4 more days to my diving trip… Apprehensive yet looking forward to the trip… Hopefully got time to do some sunbathing on the beach at Tioman… Hmm… Still need to go collect my waterproof casing for my camera… And it costs 300 bucks… Damn it! so expensive, that’s like almost half the cost of my camera… Nvm… Promised Estelle to take many many pics and probably some videos too… Hee…
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