What is Love? Chapter 19

Busy busy busy… Dun know why everything comes at the same time and all needs to be done asap… Everytime also like that… Hai… Maybe I suay or what… Anyway, as usual, Ivy is still able to cope and produce results ya… Hiaks!

This weekend wun get to see Estelle again cos’ she will be going for a holiday to Taiwan with her Daddy and grandmother… Hopefully she is going to have lots of fun… Hmm, then I have to think about how I’m going to spend my weekend this week… MJ marathon?  Very long never play le… Or sun bathing at sentosa?  Hmm, but I have yet to recover from the aftermath (sunburn and skin peeling) of Tioman… No more shopping for me cos’ I went last weekend… Hmm… Boring…

I still have 4 days to think about it provided that I have time to think about it… Too busy with work and after office programmes too… :P  Man, I’m getting mentally tired…

Okay, rest for me and here’s What is Love? Chapter 19

Chapter 19

After school, I had to think about a job.  I could not stay still and not do anything.  At that time, the economy was not good so I decided to join the government service.  Also, as I was not the office type of person, I thought maybe I could join the uniform services.  And since I was in NPCC in Secondary School, I should not have any problem during training if I joined the Singapore Police Force (SPF).  However, I was not confident and my back up plan was to join SAF if I was rejected by SPF.  T* was very supportive even when he knew that I would be placed in danger being a policewoman, and be busy with work.  I applied for the job after discussing with T* and with his support, every day I hoped that I would be selected.

There were three rounds of tests.  First round was to go for a psychometric test and IQ test.  All the tests were written during the first round.  There were about twenty over people who went for the tests.  Subsequently, I received a call and they informed me to go for the second test with the in-house psychologist. The psychologist interviewed and spoke to me.  They did not really revealed much about the results for the first round of tests.  The third test was actually an interview with members from the board.  It was kind of scary when I entered the room.  There were about nine senior police officers sitting at the long table and I had to sit across them.  From my observation at their shoulders, I knew that they were some big shots in the Force.  They asked me questions and I gave them honest answers, hoping that my honest answers were what they were looking for. 

The whole test and interview processes took about three months since I applied for the job as a Senior Police Officer online.  I was then selected to join the Force and I signed the contract on 10 September 2001, a day before Sept 11 – terrorist attack in States.  I was told that I would be in training for nine months and it would be a stay-in training which meant that I would have to stay in camp from Monday to Saturday.  I was upset, knowing that I would not be able to see T* everyday then.  But again T* was supportive to me and made the extra effort to change shifts so that he could meet up with me during my off days.  We talked whenever we can, we emailed each other about our daily life away from each other, we SMSed each other when we missed each other.  I can’t live without him, even now.  I feel empty when he is not with me because I love him too much. (this was written at end 2006)

Because he was very sincere and terribly nice to me, when he suggested that we applied for a flat as his mother wanted to sell their flat away, I agreed.  He did not really proposed to me yet but I knew eventually when we get our flat, we would need to be registered as husband and wife at the Registry of Marriages. 

My mother was quite surprised and did not really object. She also did not really agree, after all, we only had been together for about nine months.  I told her that he is the One for me and that he really loved me and took great care of me.  I got her blessings but she told me that this is my choice.  If nothing happens, it will be great for me, but if something happens, I will have to be responsible for it myself.  At that time, I was only twenty-two years old and that was six years ago.

What is Love? Chapter 18

Finally will get to see Estelle tonight after 2 weeks… Wonder if she had grown… Sometimes if I dun get to see her for a long time, always get a surprise the next time I see her… Oh, this week I can show her the pictures of my dive… Confirm she will ask me to bring her there and that she wants to see Nemo also… Hmm… maybe next time when she grows a bit older ba… Puts a smile on my face whenever I think of her… Hee…

Here is What is Love?  Chapter 18 for the weekend…

Chapter 18

I started to like T* a lot but I did not want to be a two timer.  Even though I stopped seeing S*, somehow I still felt that it was very unfair to T* as I was still talking to S*.  After all, S* was my ex boyfriend.  I think I wouldn’t want T* to talk to his ex girlfriend all the time too, so I knew I had to decide.  I then chose a day when S* was talking about mundane things and I asked him this question: Will you choose me in the end?  Or am I just a substitute?  How long do you want me to wait for you?  He said that he will chose me in the end and that he will only be ready to get married in about seven years time, which should be now if I chose S* instead.

Then I told him about T*.  I told him that I met someone who likes me and is interested in me, someone who is sweet and really nice to me, someone who is, special.  Maybe I was selfish for not waiting but we had broken up so many times that it was very difficult to trust S* again.  Time and again, I felt betrayed because time and again, he took me as a substitute.  I rather not take the risk of waiting for him and instead, took the risk to start a new chapter of my life with T*.  We have never been in contact since then.

T* was glad that I chose him and that I gave him a chance for us to be together.  I moved into his house at Jurong West Extension after a month of dating.  During our month of dating, we practically met up and went out with each other every day.  Even though he stayed very far away from my place which was at SengKang, he would still make the effort to send me back home first and then go back on his own. 

I started falling deeply in love with him that I had to be with him all the time.  I would miss him if I did not see him each day.  That was the reason why I moved in with him.  When we got together, I was in my last semester of my study in the university.  I stopped working at Coffee Club because I wanted to concentrate on my studies and exams and to pass to get my degree which I had been working hard on for three years.

CENSORED (I can’t reveal this part of my life because I do not wish S* to know any of this.  This was probably one of the biggest decisions in my life.  But I did not really have much of a choice.  I chose the sanest choice.  If I chose the other, probably I wouldn’t be where I am today.  T* was very supportive when I went through this decision.)

I passed and I earned a Bachelor Degree in Arts with merit.  I was glad that I had merit instead of just a normal degree.  But then my results were only good to take an honors degree in Social Work.  I did not want to continue in Social Work as I knew that I would not want to go into that line.  If I was offered for Psychology, I would spend another year to take the honors degree.  But just too bad, I did not do well enough in Psychology.

Be Kind Rewind

My God… This film is good!!! So funny that I couldn’t help laughing out loud in my seat… Was bursting out with all my laughters (until I was breathless) even though I was watching it alone… Whahaha… Go catch it… As usual, Jack Black was good lah… Hiaks!!! The remake of Ghostbusters in the movie was the funniest… Wah lao, I couldn’t take it, was having stomach cramps… For those who watched it, you guys should understand how I felt… Nearly puked my CokeLight out of my mouth…

Anyway, after the show, I went to Grammaphone to look for my Lost Season DVD Code 1… Then there was this weird guy (who looked like gay)… He was wearing pink skinny jeans and carried a tote bag, slinged on his shoulder…  I did not really bothered about him cos’ I was looking for the DVD… Then he came behind me and started to talk really loudly… I ignored him cos’ he was talking gibberish anyway… Wherever I went in the shop, he followed me… He continued to talk really loudly and when I heard he said the following ‘I’m half Jap, half Korean’… I couldn’t take it anymore and laughed out loud because he is not cute at all… Can say that he’s ugly lor…  My god, so buay yao bai… I am not afraid that he will turn violent after I laughed at him because I was ready to face him and ask him ‘what the f… you want?’… whahaha…  I was sniggering after my laughing and he walked away to find other victims to talk too… I left the shop and saw that he was following me… I continued to walk around in crowded places and manage either to lose him or he lost me… whahaha…

How come I always encounter crazy people de?  I also dun know why?  I think I am a magnet to all the mad people… Hiaks!!! Been really busy the whole day yesterday… Should say been busy with work lately… suddenly everything come to me at one shot… got to put up so many things from scratch.. Hai… How come everything wait till I’m here then erupt de… wah lao eh… Damn Suay!!!  I think I need to watch more comedys to relax and unwind… :P

What is Love? Chapter 17

Really busy with work these few days… Suddenly got so many things on hand to do… Hai… Anyway, here is What is Love? Chapter 17

Chapter 17

I looked at T* and he was very shy. Fabian went over to talk to him and came back.  I told Fabian to stop playing around and not to fool me.  I had never thought myself as a gorgeous woman and did not even have the slightest thought that others would think of me that way.  Anyway, the night went on.  My friends had a room because Ken was part of the committee and he had a room provided for him.  All of my friends, including T*, partied on in the room.  We drank so much and made so much noise that there were complaints from other guests in the hotel.  T* and I had a brief moment together alone in the toilet when we were trying to put out a fire in the wastepaper basket after I threw a lighted cigarette in it. 

He was very cute after I took a good look at him.  I was high and I suddenly had an urge to kiss him.  But I did not because I did not really know him personally.  I spend the night at the hotel room with some of them including T*.  That was the last time I saw him before we met up again on our first date about a month later.

When I met T* at the D&D, at that time, I was still going out with S*.  About a month later, Fabian called me and told me that T* had been bugging him for my phone number.  He further informed me that one of his friends who were there at the D&D also wanted my phone number.  I told him not to give any of them my number.  I did not want to give away my number as I did not know if I can fall in love again, as much as I did with S*.  No more trying out any relationship for me because I was too tired and disappointed in guys. 

S* was again sweet to me during the third time, just like how we were when we first got together.  But this time around, I did not dare to put my feelings in this relationship as I was afraid that he was still using me as a substitute for K*. I was with him for companionship.  He was someone familiar and when I needed company, I would look for him. 

T* managed to get my number and I think Fabian gave it to him.  He called me and asked me out for a date.  I did not want to decline him because I too, wanted to go on a date with him.  He was really cute and handsome and tall.  We met up at Seah Street Deli at Raffles Hotel.  That was the place where we went for our first date.  We had fun talking and getting to know each other better.  Somehow we were on the same wavelength about things.  Normal things we talked about, the way we see things; we were like twins. 

We went out more often and I did not go out with S* anymore.  I told T* about my relationship with S* and that I am not ready to start a relationship when my past relationship has not ended.  S* and I still talked on the phone, keeping contact.  Whenever he asked me out, I would tell him that I am not free.  But he still called.  This time around, it was S* who put in more effort in the relationship rather than me.  I guess it was too late for that as I think I lost my love for him after the second time we broke up.

MYOB

I guess everyone will know what MYOB stands for… MYOB - Mind Your Own Business… Well, MYOB is not one of my principles because by minding only your own business, it is a very selfish behavior… of course, I am not saying to be nosy but sometimes, somebody just go to do it, be it your job or not…

My intention in the first place, is always good… Even if I need to get scolded but for the benefit for others, I will lor… I take those scoldings in great stride… Even if I’m misunderstood, it’s fine lah… used to it so no problem… in fact, I was laughing when I saw the nasty email reply… whahaha… laughed till my stomach pain…

Moreover, this problem was not my problem anyway… Not under my job scope also… but thought it would benefit the officers on the ground so I mentioned it and referred it to the related depts… Good deeds will never be paid off… ha!  afterwhich, I sent another reply to the nasty email, saying my intentions behind the first email… And that if they interpret my email in another, I apologize for my ignorance… hahaha… after that, nasty writer clarified the facts which I needed in the first place and was apologetic at the end…

Sometimes, you need to cool down before bombarding the other person… We work in the same organization and we are supposed to help each other… so no point getting angry or defensive lor… I just want everyone to benefit from this mah… Hiaks!!! That is why, there are many ppl out there who will advise me to ‘MYOB’… But I can’t cos’ I know how it feels to be a ground officer and nobody cares when I bring up my concerns… 

Hmm… Like I always said, I have the tendency to want to help others (da jie da) especially when I know I have the ability to lor… Isn’t it good to make the world a better place to live in, even if it for just one person?  I think if someone does that for me, I will be very appreciative lor… Well, most of the time I do so many things for others, they never show their appreciation also… I guess, I know that they appreciate can liao lor… Hee… sometimes they do show their appreciation like saying thanks and stuff like that lah… So my principle is not ‘MYOB’… I work with ‘If I can do it, I will do it for you.’  Hiaks!!!

Tioman Dive No 3, 4 & 5

Pls note that I had post the nicer photos of my Tioman trip in my photo album… It isn’t easy to take photos and to dive at the same time… Moving fishes and moving photographer… But I hope that practice makes perfect…

Okay, continue from my previous blog entry… for the 2nd day at Tioman, we were scheduled to do 3 day dives… we set off really early in the morning at about 8.30am… We reached the location Magicienne Rock (depth about 60ft/18m) at about 9.30am… It was nice and clear… as it was sunny, we could see the seabed clearly… There were many fishes and corals around… One of our diver, Siti, who was also going through the course, did not manage to go down cos’ she wasn’t comfortable with the current… Actually the current is strong at the surface however, once at the seabed it wasn’t so bad… Stayed below in the water for about 30 mins… Took many photos… 3rd dive was also quite smooth for us… and the place wasn’t too deep and was really clear… so this dive was a fruitful one… Struggled a bit when I jumped off the boat because I realised that I did not inflate my BC before I jumped… felt like I was sinking and I could not find my inflator… Aiyoh, panicked a bit however cooled down, I just let myself sink and then tried to use 2 hands to look for my inflator…  Managed to look for the inflator and inflated… Hai, so forgetful… but then later on the 4th dive, also forget to inflate… wah lao… nvm… Like I said, this dive was fruitful and smooth…

The 4th dive was at Labas (depth about 60ft/18m), about 30 minutes away from our 3rd dive location… We did our 4th dive straight after our 3rd dive… We jumped in and I forgot to inflate my BC again cos’ we were all hurrying to jump in to prevent waiting for each other for too long at the surface of the sea as we were using the regulator even at the surface as waves were strong… anyway, this time around I didn’t panic cos’ experience liao mah… hahaha… we went down and it was beautiful… even more beautiful than the 3rd dive… everything went really well however, I noticed that we were still quite deep and I was running out of air… I was at about 300-400 PSI and my intake of air is large cos’ my breathing is very deep de… So I signalled to my buddy saying that I need to go up and anyway, I dun know why I was being pushed up to the surface too… showed my buddy the air gauge and we went up… the rest was quite a distance away and at the decompression level at 9m… after we surfaced, Siti, the female diver which did not made the 3rd dive, suddenly also surfaced but she was struggling, flapping her arms all around… She shouted that she does not have enough air… we quickly went over to her and we supported her… however, she was pulling me down too much (she was carrying 7 weights and she was on the plump side, I am only carrying 5 weights)… Moreover, my air was finishing too… however, I still tried to push her up to surface and I shouted at the boat man to throw a line over… Siti’s buddy (experienced diver) was swimming towards us so I went over to grab on the line… after which, one of the dive master went to help Siti while I was being pulled to the boat… the boat man also threw a bouy to Siti while i was going up the boat.. Anyway, quite dramatic lah… I know how Siti felt because the feeling of no air is not good… and then the feeling of you can’t breathe and only water is going into your lungs, sucks big time.. it’s scary… that is why I have a tendency to keep checking my gauge esp when at deep waters and at a long time le… I dun want to wait till I panic and by then, it will be too late…

After the 4th dive, we went back to the island for lunch… came out again at 2.30pm.. the last dive was at Sawade Wreck (depth about 100ft/30m)… Siti did not manage to do this dive too because one of her hose on the regulator burst while she made the jump… when we wanted to go down, fortunately, another diver told me that my gauge has an air leak… he assisted to help to repair however, still can’t be repaired… I wanted to go up the boat but instructor told me to change BC and tank in the sea… Wah lao… the replacement tank is actually Siti’s which had lost some air after the hose burst… I changed and I checked my gauge, it was at about 2500 PSI… the normal tank is at 3000 PSI at least… we then descend by the anchor line… it’s like a never ending line… You can’t see no shit at the bottom… just keep going and going and going… about halfway/three quarter way down to the seabed, the dive master told us to wait as the number of divers were not correct… we stayed at the line and he went up to take a look… after a few minutes, they came down, missing a diver (realised after dive that he encountered some equalizing problem)… anyway, we carried on… I was kept holding to my mask really tight because my mask was falling off and I know that I will have a tendency to breathe in the water if there is water in my mask… dun know why but probably due to the near-drowning experience ba… I knew it was deep and if anything happens, I would not reach the surface in time to survive… Moreover, visibility was so low and I could see nothing… so it was really scary.. I signalled to some of the divers that I want to go up but they signalled me to go down… I just carried on… finally we reached the sea bed and then went to another anchor line to a ship wreck… by then my gauge was at 1000PSI… we swam round the wreck and before we could finish the round, I saw my gauge, it was at 400PSI… I need the air to slowly ascend, dun even know if it is enough… I signalled to my instructor and he brought me back to the anchor line and we slowly ascended upwards… when we were doing the decompression stop at 9m, my gauge was like at 0PSI and I could feel that the air which I breathe in was very thin, like there was not much air… I signalled to my buddy and he gave me a regulator, after that, I switched my regulator to the one he gave me and we went up as he was running out of air too…

when we surfaced, another diver surfaced with us and we realised that my buddy had grabbed his regulator for me to use and he was out of air too… Aiyoh, my buddy gangster, just pulled (unknowingly lah) the diver’s regulator out of the diver’s mouth and give me to use… whahaha… before I was out of air, I pumped a bit of air into my BC so that I could float later to go up the boat… switched to using snorkels (even though I am damn lousy at using the snorkels and the one I borrowed was the lousy type) because no choice… managed to go up the boat and was so tired… my whole body felt like as if I do not have any energy at all… Well, that was my last dive for the trip…

Even though, though the experiences were not all fine, I love it in the water, especially when there were so many things to see… got to see sea turtle, got to see stingrays (one was so close to us when we swam through a tunnel, less than one arm’s length… wanted to take photo but afraid that the flash will wake it up… better dun take the risk)…

The last night we had fun drinking and playing card games with penalty…  Actually fun also depends on the group of ppl you go diving with… if all those serious type, then should be quite sian de… but if it’s those fun type, like our diving group, they are a bunch of crazy ppl… It’s fun and I enjoyed my trip.. Well.. Hmm… Had sun burn and it’s still damn painful now… Ouch!!!

Next stop : REDANG, HERE I COME!!! in end Aug… :P  Hopefully can find enough divers to go and have fun… will try to stay longer this time around, 4D3N… Hmm.. should be real fun as usual…

I DID IT!!!

Back from Tioman… Scuba diving in the open waters was a great experience for me because I never had the confidence to go into water especially when it comes to the sea with its currents…  In fact it was very scary for me cos’ I was nearly drowned twice in the life… To face fear of the water and fear of the unknown was not easy for me… But I did it!!! Nothing is impossible right? Even though my 5 open water dives were very eventful and scary experience, it was fun and I will definitely do it again to gain more confidence being in the water… But of course, start slow and steady… And I took 200 over photos at Tioman… Trigger happy ah!!! :P Just snap lah.. Managed to take photos of clown fishes for Estelle cos’ I promised her that I will take Nemo’s photos mah… but couldn’t see big ones… well, better than nothing ba… hope Estelle likes it…

Since I have to write down my experience of my dives in my dive logs, might as well I write it in my blog then just cut and paste into my log… :P  Should be very long de… cos’ each and every one are different… I will go by chronological order ba…

I met the rest of the divers and my dive instructor, Mr Yip, at Jurong West Sec Sch at 3.30am before we head off to Mersing in 2 vans… There was no traffic jam anywhere in Singapore and Malaysia so we reached Mersing at about 6.30am… We took the ferry from Mersing at 7am and we reached Paya Beach, Pulau Tioman at about 8.30am… Went for breakfast and walked around the whole beach to check out the place as we could not check in yet… I had never been to Paya beach before… Previously I always stayed at Salang beach at my previous trips because it is the biggest and furthest beach in Tioman…  We checked into the room at 12pm and had lunch… Afterwhich we gathered at the jetty for our first dive at 2.30pm…

This was taken at the jetty when we were about to go off for our first dive at Marine Park, Pulau Tioman… The depth there is about 50ft (15metres)… First dive was kinda scary when I needed to step out of the boat as it was my very first dive in the OPEN SEA… Hmm…

Sorry, forgot to introduce my buddy, Mr Ho… He had been a great buddy… always looking out for me… and he gave me a scare during the night dive… anyway, maybe due to our lousy control of our bouyancy, we were always kinda far apart… aiyoh, must practice ah… Buddy system is very important in diving and the responsibility always put some pressure on the divers… I mean, it’s like if I can’t find him and he’s lost, it’s my fault… that kinda stuff.. but just hope that that NEVER happens in any of the future dives… anyway, we did not lose each other… sometimes maybe for a while but somehow, we stuck together…

This is me… In my wetsuit… On the boat ride out to the location for our first dive… Marine Park… rigged up and checked equipments… changed the necessary equipments if they were faulty… basically everything was alright… It was raining for a while however the rain stopped when we reached our destination… Thank God!  The descent was smooth and we went down to 50 ft to see the ship wrecks at the seabed… But there wasn’t much corals or fishes there… Visibility was quite clear however my buddy who had offered to hold onto the camera did not take any photos of the ship wrecks but a few photos of us when we were descending… I think maybe he wasn’t used to diving and taking photos at the same time ba…

This picture was taken by me… I pulled the camera from his wrist to take a photo of both of us in the water cos’ he can’t take photos by himself… He isn’t used to pointing the camera to himself… Anyway, like I said, he did not take any photos of the wrecks or the fishes during our first dive… We spent about 40 mins underwater and ascended… It was fun but kinda disappointing because did not see much things there… But at least it went smoothly… The first dive was the smoothest dive out of the 5 dives…  If you read on, you will understand what I mean…

After the first dive, while going back on the boat, I took some pictures of the other boat… We were split into 2 groups… 9 divers on each boat… This picture was a nice one ba… Hee… didn’t know I can take such good pictures lor… :P Anyway, after the first dive, we were suppose to do our night dive… We went back for a while and prepared for our night dive…

Set off for our 2nd dive (night dive) at about 7pm… by the time we reached our destination, Renggis Island (about 30ft in depth), it was about 7.30pm and it was dark…  Really dark… Kinda scary because the water was black in colour during the night…  What the heck just jump into the water… The current was really strong and I had problems swimming against the current and descending… while we were trying to descend, all the other divers were gone… we shone our torchlights into the water but visibility was low and we could see no other divers there… not even the lights from their torchlights… So we knew that we were lost and we were being swept behind towards the back of the island and into the open sea area… I signalled to my buddy to surface and we were planning to swim in the direction towards the shore… Was kicking really hard to swim cos’ current was strong… we swam for about 5 minutes on the surface and we heard voices calling out to us with lights flashing… Thank God it was our dive group… went over and descended… When I was down there with the rest of the divers, I realised that my buddy was not with me!!! Shit!!! What the hell happen to him???!!! The feeling of losing your buddy was not good… I was with the rest of the divers however he was not around… I was so afraid that he would get lost… I looked 360 degree around me… down of me… and then up on top of me… there he was… on the surface of the water… I then went up again and signalled him to go down… He told me that he can’t descend… I tried all ways to force him to go down like pushing him down, pulling his leg down etc… but he still can’t go down… We were lagging behind the rest of the divers and finally the instructor came and helped by giving my buddy another piece of weight… afterwhich he managed to descend… we followed the group and saw some sea creatures like the mantle ray… basically, did not see much as we did not go near to the seabed for safety reasons… after about 30 mins, we ascended and ended our dive… To think of it, both of us could have been lost… anyway, it was an experience…

The 3rd, 4th and 5th dive were even more eventful…  All these dives were done on the 2nd day… Will write more on my blog tomorrow… Will choose the nice pics to post in the blog too… Must go review the photos now… Tired… *yawn*… Overall, I had a nice time at Tioman and managed to see many things… A kinda experience which I never had before… Will definitely do it again… Planning for one diving trip at Redang, probably in end Aug this year… for those divers who are interested, pls let me know… we recreational divers nia, not professional… so most probably hire a divemaster to bring us out to the nice spots and not so deep spots.. :P  Hiaks… It’s not easy to be a diver lor…  Really looked up to those who can dive really well… Hmm…

Tioman, Here I Come!!! + What is Love? Chapter 16

I’m leaving for Tioman tonight..  Got to meet up with the instructor at 3.30am on Friday morning… Wah lao… Think no need to sleep le… I got to leave house by 2.45am… that means got to wake up at 2.15am… Hai… Usually I sleep at 1am… so only 1 hour of sleep nia… Aiyoh… Think better dun sleep… later sleep le, cannot wake up how leh? 

Dun know if everything will be smooth but anyway, just in case, I suay suay dun come back or what… I need some favours to be done by friends out there… Got to tell Estelle (when she grows up) about all my stories, about Ivy to her… Actually applicable to all instances if I were to suay suay, and something happen to me (be it overseas or locally) and I dun get to see her grow up… Just want her to know more about me, even if she dun get to hear my stories personally from me, at least you guys are still around… Hmm… I just want to be remembered… sometimes when a person leaves and people starts to talk less about him/her, he/her will be forgotten, gone with the wind… kinda sad but it’s true… well, people come, people go…

Gonna write a few letters to the important people in my life… Just in case really dun come back, at least still get to say those last few words :P  Well, if I dun write in my blog by Sun morning, means something went wrong ba… Aiyoh… :P  I know there is internet connection at Tioman too so should be able to post in here just to say I’m okay… Hmm…

Anyway, another chapter for this week… What is Love? Chapter 16

Chapter 16

                But I did not really get to know new guys.  Reason being that whenever I go partying, it was always with a big group of guys and so maybe other guys do not dare to approach me.  There were a few guys who approached but they were not my type so I would just brush them off. 

This was the time when S* and I got back together for the third time.  Sometimes it is puzzling on why we got back together time and again, but I think that probably we did not really have any closure to our relationship.  This time around, it was more like we got back together because we were lonely and we needed each other’s company.  I did not feel that I was in love during the third time because of the fact that he was just taking me as a substitute.  Since I needed company and love, I got back together with him.  But still, I had my life.  I continued to party and did not put him as first priority in my life. 

It was only after about a month with S* for the third time when I met my husband, T*.  Actually I met him before at Zouk.  He was one of the friends of my group of partying friends.  My close friend, Fabian, told me that there is this cute guy who will be joining us and he wanted to introduce him to me.  When T* came, he was cute but I told Fabian that I was not interested.  He was quiet the whole night and did not talk much to other people.  We went into Zouk and it was Mambo Jambo Night.  My friends and I never missed the Mambo Jambo Nights every Wednesday.  But that was history.  Anyway, we danced and drank and I did not manage to talk to T*.  But our first encounter was that I borrowed a light from him and he lit the lighter for me.  That was that for the night.  He was drunk and Elvin, another one of my partying friends, sent him back in a taxi. 

The next time I saw T* was at the Dinner & Dance 2000 of their unit held at Le Meridian Hotel.  T* was working in the same company as my partying friends.  They were soldiers in the Armed Forces.  He still is now, but most of my partying friends whom I am not in contact anymore, had left the Armed Forces. 

I was not invited to the Dinner & Dance because I did not even think about going.  But Ken, a fun and outgoing ‘Sister’, had invited me to attend because he had an extra ticket.  So I went with all my friends.  I was sitting with Fabian and did not even notice that T* was there.  We had so much fun and suddenly Fabian showed me an SMS on his phone.  The message was ‘She’s gorgeous’.  Then Fabian laughed and told me that it was from T* who was sitting at another table across ours. 

What is Love? Chapter 15

Had been playing the devil’s advocate on one of the nights out with a friend, A*… It was quite surprising when he introduced his new girlfriend to our group of friends the other time because his girlfriend was not his type of girl… It was weird enough when he got a girlfriend who wasn’t his type and even more shocking when he announced that he was going to marry her at the end of the year… I was like, ‘duh! you sure?’… Among our group of friends, A* was quite close to me, more like brothers ba… There’s nothing we dun talk about… Did not ask him too much on the same day when he intro his gf…  So when we managed to go for some drinks, I did not mention it up however, the topic came up when I could see that he was quite pissed off when his gf called and raised a ruckus over the phone…

Apparently the gf was not happy that she was put on hold when A* had another call coming in.. The call was somehow cut off and she called back and demanded why he hang up the phone on her… Hmm… A* is someone who is low on patience and tolerance and when he’s pissed, everyone will know it… Could see that he was trying really hard to pacify her but well… after the phone call, I just casually ask him what happened… That was how we started talking about his gf… Basically he is happy with her, only problem, she is very childish… but can’t really blame her cos’ she’s only 23… But then again, many ppl are matured at 16… Hiaks!

Then I asked him if there is any hint of hesitation on his decision to get married to her… He paused for a while and replied that his parents love her… My advice to him was ‘It is your life however, marriage is a life long thing… Dun do it because you feel that you have to do it but more of, do it because you want to… And if there is any hint of hesitation, dun do it, think about it then decide later… At least be fair to the both of you mah’… But then devil’s horns came out, then the devil in me told him ‘In the first place, why are you with her?’…

Aiyoh, that night I was the devil for most of the time however, angel at some of the time… I’m not trying to be bad but I think somebody got to tell him all that lor… He revealed that I’m not the only one who is saying all these.. His friends are also singing the same tune as me… Hiaks!  There must be some truths if everyone is saying the same things right?

Moreover, A* have girls going after him… Those damn jude de… And I managed to meet one of them on the same night… She’s really pretty but also very young, 23 years old… Anyway, A* is 34… hiaks… He’s kinda wavering between the 3 girls… Actually the choice is so damn clear to him, or should I say, everyone esle… He’s doing things which he shouldn’t esp. when he said that he’s going to marry his gf… Hai… quite sad lah… but his gf also not an angel… Well, I did my part as friends and gave him my views… As to decision, he will have to make his own…

The day after the night out, A* messaged me and asked me to be the devil’s advocate again… Hiaks!  So now, isn’t the choice clear enough?  Hmm… It’s better to be fair to the girl now (which is to break off with her), rather than get married and be unfair to her which is to get divorced many years later… Hai… Love is just full of complications… :P

Okay, here it is for this week : What is Love? Chapter 15

Chapter 15

                S* admitted to me that he had called me during the time when he was in camp because he could not get K* on the phone.  He was just calling me so that he had someone to talk to because he knew that I would be there, waiting for his call.  I was so angry and felt that I was used.  But love just gets into your head and you do not think rationally.  You always find some stupid reason to defend the person you love even though it is not true.  I managed to read some things he wrote about him and me on some notes.  I did not search for the notes; he just left them lying there.  Probably he wanted me to read it too.  He told me that he was just writing about his feelings.  He had always been very secretive with regards to his feelings but I guess he was guilty about how he treated me and therefore, wanted to let me in about his feelings.  I wanted to know how he felt about us so I went to take a look at the notes when he was asleep.  In it, he wrote about his first relationship with K* and how he was so sad that she left him for another guy.  He also wrote that I was just a substitute and he felt guilty about it.  I left him but it was not over a day.  It dragged on for about a month and we stopped any contact.

                I started partying again, with the same group of friends which included my brother.  I started to have fun again and got my life back.  I moved on.  What was important to me at that time was to get my degree and to have fun.  So relationships are not on my mind, again.  Love just, always, comes your way even though you are not looking for it.  Not long enough, J* who was one of the guys I partied with, expressed his liking in me and that was how we got together. 

                He was the one who was the easiest to give up.  Why?  I think I did not really love him at all.  He was quite stingy because we split costs when we went out on dates.  I did it automatically because I did not want to owe him anything.  Because I knew that we would not be together in the end.  He was not the one whom I had been looking for.  It was different for all the three others before J*.  They seemed to be The One and I wanted them to be The One but things just did not turn out the way it should be. 

                It seems stupid of me to think about marriage and family at such a young age.  All I wanted in my life, since young, was to have a happy and complete family, something which I did not have when I was a child. 

                I was with J* for only a few months.  My mother did not approve my relationship with J* because he had the same surname as me.  So I lied to my mother that I had ended my relationship with him for a few months and we did really split up after that few months.  I discussed with him with regards to what my mother thought.  He only replied that we should seize what we have and should not think about the future.  I did not think it that way.  I wanted to build my relationships with a foundation that could lead to marriage because I did not want to waste my time.  Since I knew we would never be, I did not waste any more of my precious time so I broke up with him. 

                We still went out together on dates because he could not let me go.  He cried when I did not spend the night with him and he begged me to stay.  Most of the times, it was after we went drinking with the other guys.  He would get drunk and begged me to stay with him.  I did not want to but gave in since he was behaving really pathetically. 

                Slowly, he got over the fact that we were not together anymore so he stopped contacting me.  It was a sign of relieve for me because I just want to get on with my life being a single, again, for the utmost time.  I did not want to have any baggage with me so that I would have some chance of getting to know new guys.

Panic frenzy!!!

I had gotten into a panic frenzy yesterday when the shop that I had bought the underwater housing for my camera, informed me that the shipment had been delayed and that I will not be able to receive my product in time…  I think the shop would not have even bothered to call me if I had not called them for a few times to check… I told them that I need it by Tues night and if they can’t promise to deliver, I will need to search for it eslewhere… The shop then told me that they will refund my payment… So my task was to search it eslewhere… It was kinda last minute so I called the Canon distributor straight away… Even they dun have stock in hand… They informed that the order will only come in about 3-5 working days… Hai…

I practically call up 20 over camera shops and all of them told me that it’s out of stock… Started to panic cos’ promised Estelle that I will take photos of the dive for her to see… Moreover I am leaving on Thurs night/Fri morning… Had the feeling that I can’t find the bloody casing anywhere since even all the bigger shops also dun have… Hai… The last resort is to borrow from friends who have camera with underwater housing which can withstand depths up to 40m… What to do?  So planned that I will go in search in person at Funan, Penisula, Sim lim, Lucky Plaza etc…

Went to Funan to get my refund, asked a few shops (they dun carry, no stock)… then I desperate le, called up some of my friends and suddenly remembered I have a friend who is a professional photographer… Maybe he will know some places which may have… After I contacted my friends, I walked into a shop and asked for the specific model.. The salesman was like going ‘Hmm… WP-DC 17… let me see…’  He walked over to the shelf and there it is!!! Wah lao eh… He brought it over and I asked him if he were sure that the one he is holding is WP-DC 17 for Canon IXUS 860… He pointed to the box and the model number WP-DC 17 was printed on it… HENG AH!!!! but then the price is $369 which is $70 more than the previous shop that I bought… actually i wanted to go look somemore but then, that one last piece on the shelf liao so better grab first lah… just pay lah…

3 more days before the Tioman trip… everything kinda prepared le… tomorrow going to pack the equipments… Hmm… It’s been a few years since I last been to Tioman… the last time I went was the near drowning experience… Hmm… Hope this time around, everything will be fine… Can’t wait…

Mother & Daughter

Had a long talk with my mum last night… Guess this is one of the first few times that I talked more than my mother… Basically about my previous marriage with Tingwei and what happened… Blame it on communication breakdown and not understanding each other… Finally she agreed that sometimes relationships could breakdown due to miscommunication and stuff like that… At least, I felt that she finally understood… Previously didn’t want to talk much to her about my feelings because most of the time, she doesn’t understands my point of view so I would rather keep quiet about it… Moreover, among my bro and I, I had always been the child that is more rebellious, more experimental, more self-driven since young… Guess still is now so it will be quite difficult to accept that my mum will understand me cos’ all along, she doesn’t…

She’s right about one thing… Because I keep thinking, since young, that she scolds me, nags at me etc is due to the fact that she is the authoritative mother figure… She asked me why can’t I treat her as a friend like how I want Estelle to treat me… But it’s a fact right?  I mean it’s very difficult to change things now as all along, it’s been like that… moreover, since young, I dun experience authoritative father figure so my mum took both positions which makes it even harder to approach her when it comes to personal stuff like feelings and emotions… everything, be it good or bad, I just swallow them myself… just be the cheerful Ivy, the one who usually lights up other’s lives, the one who makes the world a funnier place to live in… Or in simple terms, I’m the clown… But who actually knows that there are times when Ivy is not feeling that cheerful but upset… not just in my family but among friends too… I dun deny that there are a few friends who knows during the times when there were frowns behind the smiles, but it’s very few nia… Hee… Well, that’s just me ba… The cheerful Ivy…

Maybe Estelle will feel this way too… That I’m the authoritative figure even though I’m just trying to be friendly… Estelle is afraid of me whenever I got angry… Whenever she don’t listen to me, I will let her do what she wants and that I will not interfere with what she does anymore… If she knows that it’s wrong, she will then cry whenever I said that… Actually she knows what’s wrong and right.. Sometimes, she just wants to try her luck… Hmm… I dun believe in using physical punishment in teaching a child so I had never raise a hand on Estelle… Maybe we have a connection or what… Whenever I need to bring across a very serious message, I will stop whatever she is doing, let her look into my eyes and I say whatever I want to say… Most of the time, it works… Hmm… Better dun say that too early… *Cross fingers*…

4 more days to my diving trip… Apprehensive yet looking forward to the trip… Hopefully got time to do some sunbathing on the beach at Tioman… Hmm… Still need to go collect my waterproof casing for my camera… And it costs 300 bucks… Damn it! so expensive, that’s like almost half the cost of my camera… Nvm… Promised Estelle to take many many pics and probably some videos too… Hee… 

‘You go catch Nemo?’

Just dropped off Estelle over at my in-law’s place just now… She fell sick yesterday when she was with me… She gotten the flu bug, dun know got it from where… Nobody was sick at home and I did not on the air-con during the night when she was here… Anyway, brought her to see the doctor today and doctor said that it was the flu bug… Wanted to bring her back home to rest however promised her to bring her to the movies to watch ‘Horton hears a who’… Asked her if she wanted to watch and she said yes… The whole afternoon was very challenging indeed, within the span of about 4 hours only, from 9am when we went to see the doctor to 1pm when we reached home… She refused to sleep in the afternoon somemore… Hai..

Anyway, she was bawling again when I sent her over… refused to let me leave… was crying extremely loud today… maybe because she wasn’t feeling so well… I miss her already… Hai… When she came over for the weekend, she saw my wetsuit hanging in my closet and she said ‘Mummy, you go swimming?’ while pointing at my wetsuit.. I was wondering how she knows that the wetsuit is for swimming de… Then she said this ‘You go catch Nemo?’… I was so surprised that she knows the wetsuit is for diving lor… Wah lao… so young can co-relate le…  She must have remembered what the diver was wearing when Nemo was being caught in the movie…  When I told her that I am going diving next week, she said she wants to go too but told her she’s too young… then she said that she will wait for Mummy to dive and catch Nemo for her… Explained to her that she can’t go cos’ it’s faraway and can’t catch Nemo for her too cos’ Nemo will die… But promised her to take many many photos to show her about the trip… and that next time when she grows up, will bring her diving… Hee… Think she’s happy with that answer…

Hope that she will recover soon… She was already coughing before she had the running nose… So sad that she was crying till her face was so red just now and then she kept calling out ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ and reaching out her hand to me…  Tot she was starting to understand about seperation last week when she did not cry… This week she cry again…

What is Love? Chapter 14

Last night I went for my 2nd pool dive… managed to go down to 10 metres in the pool… In the water, you dun really realise the actual depth because it looks shallow… But actual fact, it’s very deep… Spoke to the instructor with regards to the dive trip next friday… Just realise that it isn’t so easy to get the advanced dive cert… Need to do night dive, navigation dive (using compass to navigate, this one should be no problem), deep water dive (go to 20 metres or more, this one if I dun panic, should be no problem), boat dive… Hmm… Think my buddy is doing really fine with his diving so I think I will feel safe with him around… When I feel safe, I wun panic le… Hee… Dun stress ya, Mr Ho?

As the dive trip is nearing, I am getting a few things for the trip… Got my booties at $38/- (expensive shop at Crawford lane, dun go to this one)… The rest got it at a cheap shop at Blk 2 Beach Rd… My BodyGlove 3.2mm wetsuit cost only $155/-, gloves at $32/- and waterproof torchlight at $60/-… Mask, snorkel & flippers can borrow from Ivan… Will be getting the digital camera waterproof casing, that one should cost at about $260/- or so… Must take many many pictures of the underwater world… hiaks!!! Course fees at $500/-… Amount to bring for trip : $200/-… So total spend on diving (whole package if add up everything) will be about $1300/-, should be alright, at least got both basic and advanced included… Hmm.. actually apprehensive about the whole dive, hope everything will turn out fine… Oh, I need to get motion sickness pills too… Can’t stay on the boat for too long, will get motion sickness… Haha, when one of the course member realised that I was nearly drown twice previously, her eyes opened so big that her eyeballs nearly fell out… She didn’t want to take advance cos’ she wasn’t sure if she will be able to do it… but after hearing about me going for it even though I had bad experiences with water and yet I’m still going for it, I think most probably she will be doing the advance too… Hahaha…

Should be able to post my blog from Tioman… Then will update you guys about the whole trip… Yay!!! finally can go and relax, at least for a while also good… Hee… Away from work… Hmm… After this trip, where should I go next?  :P  Think no need to go for next trip le, for this year… cos’ mid year to end of the year, should be quite busy… maybe end of year (after F1 in Sept) go for another diving trip at Redang… must find ppl to go… Hmm… See how ba… Those interested, kindly let me know so that I can plan for it… Anyway, another chapter of What is Love? for this week…

Chapter 14

                As usual, I wanted to know what the bloody reason was.  Was I not good enough for S*?  He did not tell me the reason why he wanted a breakup.  He just said that he had his own reasons.  Damn it!  Just give me a reason to live by instead of me not knowing what the hell happened. We did not contact each other later on but somehow, we got back together again.  That was when I found out the reason why he broke up with me in the first place.  And it was just a coincidence or perhaps a setup he had planned for me to find out the reason why.  He had helped me to copy some computer files into a diskette and handed over to me so that I could use the data at home.  When I opened the files in the diskette, there was a separate folder in it and I opened it, not knowing that it had contained the truth about our relationship.

                It was a diary entry by S*.  He wrote how much he loved his ex girlfriend K* and that she had left him for another male friend.  From his diary entry, I could feel that he was really in love with her and I could feel for his heart-broken.  He broke up with me because he could not forget about her.  He had used me as a substitute as he could not be with her.  I told him that I saw the entry and we discussed about his feelings and his past relationship.  She was his first love and I was his second.

                He did not show me his photos with K* but I did meet her when I was working at Coffee Club.  I did not know that it was her but I guessed S* told her about me as she asked me if I was Ivy when I served her coffee at the cafe.  She introduced herself and that was the first and the last time I saw her.  At that time, she was having coffee with her girlfriend.  Anyway, she wasn’t the prettiest thing but she was definitely much taller than S*.

                After we got back together, I did not really put in much trust and effort in the relationship because I know that he was still in love with K* when we were together.  He became distant and not as loving anymore.  But still, no matter how hard I try not to love him as much, I still did.  He had gone for his National Service and every night, I would stay at home just to wait for his phone call.  So I lost my social life during that period of time.  Sometimes he would call, sometimes he won’t.  But whenever he called, I would be over the top and be happy for the rest of the day.  But he had his reasons for calling me and I only found out about that reason after we broke up for the second time. 

                I cannot remember why we had broken up.  Maybe because I felt that he did not love me at all and used me as a substitute.  There are so many things about my past relationships which I cannot remember.  I used to keep diaries but I burned them or throw away them whenever a relationship ends.  It is like a kind of closure for me, like a new chapter waiting for me to start.  Actually I should have kept them so that I can go through them and realize what the reasons were which made my relationships fail time and again. 

What is Love? Chapter 13

Okay, I will post the next chapter today… I dun need reminders from you guys ya?  Will remember de however, if I am busy and have no time to log on, then got to bear with me ya?  Hmm… Anyway, some of you are thinking that I’m a love guru but I’m not… And my story is not guide for others to follow or a reference to rely upon… See title : What is Love?  I’m just as confused as before and just as unsure of what love actually is… I would say that my love story is a story about a girl who is in a quest for real love… will she find real love?  or real love are just bullshit?  I dun know… I hope she does… Hiaks!!  For those who thinks that I’m a love guru, I can help if need be a listening ear… Can’t give much advice since I myself failed in my own relationship… I won’t say that I will give counselling but more of, a friend who is there when you need one… that would sound more appropriate… I failed so I hope no more will follow my path… I will be more glad to help… It’s always so heart-warming to see loving couples together… In fact, I dun feel envy whenever I see a couple who is loving, I feel more like ermm, happy for them… It’s not easy to find someone who will love you as much as you love him/her… Not easy to find someone who is willing to go through thick and thin with you… Not easy to find someone who is willing to accept you for who you are, the good and bad of you… I think that’s about all that I actually look for in love… Hmm, anyway, here it is, What is Love? Chapter 13

Chapter 13

                  His name is S*.  He was just one of the guys who were also doing part time while studying for his diploma at Singapore Polytechnic.  I did not take notice of him as he was a quiet guy compared to the rest of the part timers at work.  He liked to sit in one corner and just watch us have fun when we were partying after closing hours in the café. 

                He is cute and has small eyes, just like W*.  However, he is a bit short, in height.  Actually, I did not even think that we would be together because there wasn’t much attraction in the first place.  I started to notice that he was coming to the café more often even though he was not working. He would sit at a table which was near to the bar and had coffee while I was doing the bar.  And every time he had his coffee, he would look at me deeply.  It made me feel uncomfortable, in a way.  I did not know if I liked the attention or I felt awkward.  But I knew that something must be going on as it wasn’t a normal look a guy will give to a girl. 

                I guessed that he must have summoned enough courage to ask me out for a date.  I could not really remember how he asked or what we did on our first date because our relationship was a love and hate relationship which lasted for the longest among my boyfriends.  The relationship spanned for about three years, on and off.

                S* was very sweet though sometimes aloof.  He was quite a romantic person as he would send flowers to me and feed me.  It was all the small little things that he did for me, which made me felt that I was special.  He was also a very expressive person and he loved making out with me in the public.  He would not feel shy to tell me that he loved me.  Even though he was not the cutest person I know, I loved him with all my heart. 

                I thought that he was just a plain and simple person but I was wrong.  He is from a rich family background with high social status and stayed in an expensive apartment with his family.  No wonder he could play tennis and golf so well since he had learnt both of these sports from a tender age.  A normal kid will not be able to afford tennis or golf lessons during my time. 

                S* used to sneak me to his house through the back door without his family knowing. I would spend most of my nights at his place as it was near to my university.  When you love someone, you just want to spend all your time with the other.  I thought that he really loved me through assessments of his behavior and attitude towards me.  But then again, I am always wrong.  A few months into dating, he suddenly told me that he wants a breakup, without any rhyme or reason.  I still remember that we were supposed to go for dinner that day.  He cancelled it and told me that he wants to end our relationship.  I was devastated and upset.  I cried my eyes out.  What the hell happened? I thought.

Sky Of Love

Just came back from watching the movie ‘Sky Of Love’… It’s a Japanese romance flick… Hmm… As usual, women will always be women… Watched till ‘lau bak sai’ which means cry in Hokkien… Hee… For those who are hardcore romantics, go catch it!! For those who are not into romance, watch it too cos’ maybe will become more romantic after watching it… Anyway, dun watch it this week cos’ it’s school holidays and it’s all the teenagers who filled up the cinema and they are damn noisy…

Was rushing to catch the 7pm show after work and managed to reach the cinema in time… When I was buying the tickets, I told the girl at the counter ‘Sky Of Love @ 7pm pls’… Then she replied ‘ For 2?’… I gave her that ‘Romance flick must watch with a partner meh?’ look… hahaha… Such a cliche… After I gave her that look, I smiled to her and said ‘No, for 1 pls’…  I think she must be thinking : what the hell is this fellow watching a romance flick alone??  So pathetic… Hiaks!!  Well, whatever…

Will not divulge too much on the storyline of the movie… Basically, I think it’s kinda impossible such thing will happen… maybe it’s a love story that happens to one in a gazillion… The girl must be really fortunate to have been loved so deeply by a guy…  Everything the guy did was for her… however, I think he had been selfish to keep things to himself as he thought she will never be strong enough to support him… He would rather purposely do things to make her give up on him… Hai, so sad… Well, it’s just a story… Never heard of such story in real life… maybe a bit of snippets here and there in real life however, dun have full story before lah… I only heard many many tragic love stories which happened in real life and they are as real as those tragic love stories in movies… Hmm… How come guys always think that girls are not strong enough and that girls will not support them come what may? Hmm…

Guess love itself is ironic too… when I was waiting to go into a cinema, I saw a couple quarrelling… though they were not loud, I could hear them as they were beside me (fyi, I wasn’t eavesdropping)… The girl was like saying ‘wo mei you fa pi qi’ which means I did not throw a temper… I think the conversation was like he was late or what and stuff like that lah… Oh, she was in school uniform… JC uniform in Blue… Hmm… very obvious isn’t it… And her partner was in casuals… Then her partner threaten to walk away and she pulled him back… After that, she cried in his arms… Wah lao… I guess the reaction of the girl and the guy spells everything… Girl really loves the guy but guy dun… If I didn’t love the guy so much, I would have tear up the tickets in his face and walk off since he’s not interested in watching the movie with me anyway (after he gave lousy excuses on being late lah… If reasonable excuse, still can accept)… If I love him, even if he dun give excuse, I would just swallow my pride, and continue to wait for the guy to come and not blame him for being late…

Why I said that the guy did not really love the girl is because he gave that ‘I dun care’ kinda look and never even comfort the girl… he even threaten to walk away… Come on lah, he is a guy and he behaved like a woman… If he really loves her, even if it’s not his fault, he would apologize and be a real man… Rather than make the girl cry… Well, all these are just based on my assumptions… Doesn’t really matter it’s my assumptions, I just dun like guys who make girls cry… Screwed up fellow…

Just so happen on last friday, while taking a taxi, I looked up in the sky and saw that it was a nice sight however, the photo did not turn out that nice cos’ was trying my best to take the photo in a moving taxi on a highway… Hmm… Movie involves the sky too… I did not even know about this movie till I saw the advert on sunday… so coincidence de…

After the show, while going back home on the MRT, heard two ladies talking about their friends and their friends’ love lives… Aiyoh… gossip gossip gossip… I did not eavesdrop as they were standing right in front of me and talking non stop… There were some things that I heard which I was not comfortable with… it’s like they were talking about their friend and her useless boyfriend… Useless boyfriend is a divorcee with kid and uses her money, 10 years together yet no outcome in relationship etc… Then the thought just stirred in my mind : How come you guys, as her friends, did not talk some sense in her?  Hmm… sometimes it’s kinda sad what your friends dun tell you or keep from you… Happened to me and the feeling is not good… but i guess it’s a life lesson, your real friends tell you everything, be it good or bad… it’s not like they are trying to jeopardize your relationship but more of to give you a warning sign… anyway, i realise that some friends are really superficial and I would rather do without them… probably they have their own reasons for not letting me in on some information which I had the rights to know… doesn’t really matter now cos not really in contact with them anymore and information is not important to me anymore as I found them out myself… Hmm… I mean, it’s their mouths… so if they chose to close their mouths, I can’t really blame them either… Hiaks!! I still got a bunch of good friends out there ya??!!  Hee…

Late le… got to go sleep cos’ tomorrow still got to work… Hai…

Had a nice goodbye last night…

Estelle did not cry last night when I dropped her off at Daddy’s place!!!  At least it wasn’t as painful as always to send her off because she did not bawl even though she did a bit of the koala thingie on me again last night…

I carried her from Sengkang to Punggol (one bus stop’s distance from my mum’s place in Sengkang to Daddy’s place in Punggol) and dropped her there… At first, I wanted to leave le however she was clinging onto me… Afterwhich, I stayed for a while and I fed her her dinner first before I leave… She behaved, finishing her dinner in about 15-20 mins (new record timing!! Usually she takes about 1hr to finish)…  Though her dinner portion last night was not as much as what I usually gave her, she was fast considering her rate of chewing and swallowing…  After dinner, I told her that I got to go to work (as usual..) and told her that I will pick her up from school on friday afternoon… I even told her to remember to stand at the window on friday afternoon and to shout out ‘MUMMY!!!’ real loud when she sees me… Hee… She nodded her head and I said goodbye to her… She did not cry and even send me to the door when I left… She said her goodbyes and I quickly left in case she changed her mind about me leaving…  How I wish it will always be like this every week cos’ it really pains me when I see her cry… Hmm…

Work has been straining for myself and the rest of my colleagues in the force… And I guess it’s a matter of time when everyone will start to break down, one by one, be it physically and mentally… Even though I’m now in a position whereby it’s not as tough as the ground men, but I can understand what they are going through cos I had been there & done that… Hai… We are not machines… We are real people, made of flesh and blood… Currently, I’m still considered alright and I’m busy as and when I need to rush something out or need to make sure that everything is alright or make the right and correct decisions (but then again, what decisions had been right and correct?? Hiaks!) etc… Really pity the ground men but then again, if we dun suffer, who will?  Hai… Well guys, hang on in there and we will cruise through it, as always!!!  Though we are not machines, but we are tough right?  Always pulled through no matter how hard it has been… WE CAN DO IT!!!  JIA YOU!!! 

Realised that my friend had been using topics raised in my blogs to write in his blog… Hiaks!!! Think I better start charging copyright fees… Hee… Joking lah… If I am able to stir the thoughts of you guys out there, I think I have already fulfilled my aim and purpose… Basically, what I hope the rest of you out there will do (like what I’m doing), is to think about life deeply and live it to the fullest… It’s life but dun waste it away, living it as a routine… Life is short, live everyday to its fullest because you never know which day will be your last… Hmm… Enjoy and embrace life… Appreciate people/things as you had never seen them in that way before… That is how your life will be rich and fulfilling and when you grow old, you have your life to reminisce instead of ‘Hey, what was my life all about?’… :P Just a thought…

estelle is sleeping beside me now…

estelle is sleeping beside me nw… Today she slept earlier at 8pm plus cos she had a long day today.. Refused to sleep after I brought her home from my dept’s family day at Vivocity.. I guess in a way, she stole the limelight from everyone… Hahaha, many came and took her photos, played with her, wanted 2 bring her home etc.. There are times when a few photographers were taking shots at her at the same time… She looked like a baby star, lol.. But she was not in tip top condition today cos she didnt had enough sleep last night… Well, at least i’m sure she enjoyed herself today..
She looks so peaceful when she sleeps… Not like her naughty self in the day… Overall, she’s a good girl.. Just that she gets very cranky if she dun get enough rest.. Hiaks!
I better stop here… Using my phone to blog is really tiring and slow..

What is Love? Chapter 12

Hmm… Shuxian said that I had a sudden burst of literacy genius?  So funny… Well, my friends, not really… All along, I used to keep diaries however they always end up in ashes… There were no blogs opportunities in the past so got to do it manually…  Hiaks!  Since blogs are available and rampant now, just use it lor…  Sometimes it’s good to share your stories and thoughts in public blogs because you never know who you may motivate or touch or encourage, with what you write… So I guess it’s good to share it with my friends… If I had kept my diaries, would have transferred them into my story however, too bad, they had gone with the wind le… Hee…

Had been busy yesterday too (busy with work most of the time)… Non-stop from the start of work and till after work… After that, went for my diving theory class and test till 10.30pm and then went for dinner/supper… Hai… Tired *yawn*… Oh, I passed my diving theory test (score 47/50), I think every one passed anyway… Hee… After dinner/supper, washed up and about to sleep with I received a call from work at 1am… After that, slept and then at 6am, received another call from work… Hai… Never get to sleep peacefully again… But still considered alright, at least no calls in the middle of the night like 3 am in the morning… Guess today will be just as busy… Hmm… managed to squeeze a bit of time to go to the gym yesterday afternoon even though most of the time, I’m working through the phone.. So sad… Dun know if I will be able to squeeze some precious time to visit the gym this afternoon… Hmm… Getting fat so have to start exercising since I stopped the previous time when I was ill 2 weeks ago…

Haven’t had time for family and friends due to work committments… But thank God, still had some time for Estelle… Hopefully my time with her will not be disrupt because of work… Can’t wait to see her again tomorrow night… Will be bringing her to my department’s family day at vivocity on saturday… Hmm, praying hard that both of us will enjoy that day together… Hee…

Okay, got to go work… Here’s What is Love? Chapter 12

Chapter 12

                Since then, E* stopped contacting me.  We still went out but it was always only with our friends around.  E* has been friends with me after both of us calmed down and decided that we were not compatible together.  Actually I felt bad about the whole thing with E*.  But I guess this will be the best for both of us, to be friends.

                So there goes my second boyfriend.  After that, I led a carefree life because there was no one to control me except myself.  I loved the way I lived my life.  At the end of February 1998, the results of A’levels were to be released.  I was very afraid that I could not get good enough results to enter the local universities because I knew that with my family financial background, I would not be able to study overseas.  Therefore, I was just hoping that I can make it to National University of Singapore (NUS). 

                My classmates and I went back to school to collect our results.  To my astonishment, I passed all three subjects which was A for my C Mathematics, C for my Biology and E for my Chemistry.  I was so glad that I managed to get all three A’levels subjects, even though the results were not considered as good.  For both of my languages, I got B4s.  I was so happy and at least, I still had some chances for entering NUS.  But there was some disappointment among my classmates because not everybody managed to get all three A’levels subjects.  I did not dare to ask them out to celebrate so everyone left after we collected our results.

                By then, it was registration for going to NUS.  I had enough of Science and since I always have a lot of interest in psychology, which is a subject in the Arts and Social Sciences Faculty, I switched to taking Arts instead.  However, I did not have any background in literature and humanities; so I chose Psychology, Social Work and Sociology.  To get into Psychology, I still had to take the IQ tests in NUS.  I understand that about a thousand students went for the test and only one quarter of us were chosen to take the subject. Everything had been going well for me in my studies since primary school.  I passed the IQ tests and managed to study what I opted for. 

                As I had been working at Coffee Club everyday while I was waiting to enter university, I spent quite some time over there.  Practically about eight hours each day, seven days a week. Therefore, it would not be surprising that my next love was someone from Coffee Club.  It was either my colleagues or the regulars at the coffee joint.  Well, I am not a very sociable person so regular customers were out even though some of them tried.  Yes, he was a colleague of mine at Coffee Club.

What is Love? Chapter 11

Aarraagghhhh!!!! Going crazy… Hai… Kena arrow by boss to do presentation somemore… Assist to put up slides then in the end, presentation also become I do… Reason being : You are the one who put up the slides mah… Wah lao… Pui chao nua… In the first place, I was not the one who was arrowed by big boss to present anyway… *pui*… Angry ah!!! Somemore last minute tell me to present, tot he was the one going to do it all along… Hai… Like i always say : IF SOMEBODY HAS TO DO THE SHIT JOB, IT’S ALWAYS ME… Was prepared to be shot down during the presentation by the other big shots at panel… Became the target board, dun know will have bull’s eye hit or not… Hahaha… Used to it le lah…

Anyway, the presentation went well and smooth however, still busy with lots of things to do and follow up… Got to just slow down abit, take 5 out to rest for a while if not, will go crazy…

Ok, got more things to do now… better go do it before I forget… Here’s What is Love? Chapter 11… Pls note that the below was written about 1 year ago…

Chapter 11

                Not long after I started working at Coffee Club, E* was called up to serve his national service with the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF).  By then, most of the time, he was not around.  I was glad in a way because I thought that he would be busy with training and not have time to think too much about our relationship.  But I was wrong.  He became very possessive and called me all the time even though most of the time I was not at home.  He was pissed that I was spending too much time working and partying. 

                Those days when I was not partying with my brother and friends (BWC club, I will explain this later), I was partying with my Coffee Club colleagues.  They were a bunch of fun people to be with.  I became quite close to them because we went through the sufferings and business every night with the full house of customers.  Usually we would either party at the pubs at Holland Village or behind closed doors at Coffee Club itself. 

                Okay, let me explain the BWC club.  Why this group of friends was named the BWC club.  Basically the group was made up of all guys except for me.  We would go all over Singapore to eat at famous places and at hotels.  Our past time was having coffee at coffee joints and bitching about all the things, in a nice way.  So we Bitch With Care (BWC) and we loved to complain.  Ha Ha Ha.

                E* became less involved in my life and he did not like it.  We quarreled over how I should live my life and most of the time, we would end up walking away from each other.  However, the last straw for me was what happened at Holland Village.

                I met up with E* at Holland Village before reporting for work.  He started talking about our relationship and I told him that it had already been over for so long.  He refused to accept that fact and kept asking me to stay.  I was already late for work and told him that I had to go but still, he was shouting out loud.  We made a scene and suddenly, he grabbed me by my arm and refused to let go.  I was in pain and I did not have enough strength to pull free from him.  Fortunately, one of my colleagues was on his way to work and he came over to help me.  After which, E* let go and I ran all the way to Coffee Club. 

                I was quite traumatized about what happened as it was the first time that I was physically hurt by a boyfriend.  E* was watching me from outside of Coffee Club while I was working as a barista during that day.  He refused to leave and I refused to look at him.  My colleagues were asking me one by one about him.  I did not tell them anything and just said that he was crazy. 

                I guess that he knew that it was impossible between us again so he wrote me a note.  I can’t really remember about what he wrote because I did not really take a good look at it.  I just browsed through it and threw it away.  It did not hit me that I had hurt him that much too but it was too late to salvage anything.  It is my principle for not turning back whenever I make the decision.  As long as I make a decision, I will stay by it no matter what is being said or what is being done.  That is why it is so hard to make a big decision in my life right now.  I do not wish to make the decision and then after that, for my hubby to regret.  Because I know after I make the decision, even if he is to regret, I will not change my mind. 

how long does it take?

How long does it take to nab that bloody arsehole?  hiaks!!!  thought that situation will be calmer as the days go by however, became hotter as ever… more work then… So I hope he rots in hell… Just because of one person, everyone is running like mad… Stupid bastard!!! Knnbccb… Hmm… everytime think of work, will just curse and swear… cos’ busy till daily things also no time to run… *pui*…

I attended the medal presentation today… I received the 5 years good service medal… Actually that one ‘or tang’ to me for 2 years le… Come to think of it, I’m in the force for 7 years this coming 10th Sept… My first day of employment is 10th Sept 2001… yes, one day before Sept 11, before the twin towers crashed in NYC… Hmm… Visited Ground Zero the other time when I was in NY… it’s really sad that so many people had perished during that fateful day… So I hope all those brainless fellows who crashed the planes into WTC, pentagon, who caused the London bombings, madras train bombs, etc, all fuc.ing rot in hell… I think they got nothing better to do so why don’t they just waste their time away to try to kiss their own asses?  I think they can never accomplish that even till the day they die… hahaha…

I feel damn sad for their children… Most of them will probably turned out to be like them, as evil… but I believe that there will definitely be a few (those who have brains to think why there are brainless killing of innocent people) who will NOT be like them… Imagine that your parents are evil… If it’s me, I rather die than to admit that those are my parents… Hai… screwed up ppl… In psychology, those are the people who are very weak-minded because they are easily manipulated by the dictator/leader… Hmm… But to them, they think that they made a difference… Most of the time, the leader don’t even know who the hell they are or what their names were… Hiaks!!! to think they sacrifice for a reason??  So stupid… *pengz*

Anyway, just really pissed off by the whole situation… that’s all I can say… probably that is why my entry today is so crude… I sincerely apologized to those who felt offended by it but this is one other avenue where I can release my stress… even though I do curse and swear in office too lah… hiaks!!! Hmm, my colleagues should have heard it real often, especially during this hot period… Ha…

And because of this, my dive may be postponed… dun even know if it can be fulfilled or not… Hai… ‘Lang suay, qi jiao ma pian kuay’ which means ‘a person who is of bad luck, rear bird also become chicken’ in Hokkien… In English, it simply means, No matter what an unlucky person do, things will just not go his way… :P I think there is an idiom for this in English however I forget liao… My English language is getting poorer each day… To think my bro ask me to write a book… hahaha, so funny… Think I save that till when I’m old and when I have much time on hand ba…

Happy thoughts?

Hmm… sometimes life is just full of ups and downs… just thought when my life is going up, well, in a way, it may go down again… like I said, no luck?  I’m a positive person however, I think way too much… that will lead to being more negative as usual… so I guess I should just fill myself with lots of happy and positive thoughts instead of thinking about what worse may come…

Happy and positive thoughts need not be what you want in the end right?  cos if that’s the case, more disappointment may come if the outcome is not desired… Probably think in a way whereby even though outcome may turn out not to be desired, it will be the best for everyone?  Hmm… Not easy to think about that but will try… at least, will not feel bad with the happy and positive thoughts… basically it’s just changing of mindset… applies to everything in life… not an easy task but the mind is powerful… once able to change mindset, to think only happy and positive thoughts, it doesn’t really matter whatever is the outcome… well, happiness is a journey, not a destination… I’m happy now…

estelle came over this weekend and she’s as cute as ever… whenever she leaves, suddenly the whole house seemed so quiet and i feel lonely… the sound of her laughter fills the house whenever she’s here and it’s nice to hear her laugh and her happiness will spread to me…  going to miss her as usual… work is going to be as busy as ever, as long as the bloody arsehole is not caught… damn!  I need a break!!! Hmm… I will be at Tioman in another 3 weeks… haven’t had the next pool dive scheduled… the next session will be classroom session… boring… i hope that I can survive my diving trip… :P it is a matter of life or death right?  Hee… Hope my buddy wun be stressed up after reading that…

Haven’t been sleeping peacefully the past few nights… one thing because of work… another because of thinking too much… so by changing my mindset, will have one less thing to think about so will try really hard… yes, happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts……