Estelle is well!!

Estelle called me on the phone last night and she sounded fine… no more coarse voice… Felt good to hear that she is alright and recovered… can’t wait for tomorrow when she comes over to my place… Hee…

Hmm… Had been having some thoughts recently… sometimes things just feel so right but then at the same time, feel so wrong… the more you want it to work, the more it will fail… the more you want it to fail, the more it will work… so wrong yet so right… guess maybe I think too much ba… Or probably after so many things happened, I tend to be more insecure in a way or another…  When it comes to matters of the heart, it is always so complicated… No matter how much had been said or heard, it will never be enough to make me feel secure… I dun think I will ever find a guy who can make me feel secure and trust him totally…  I thought I did find the guy when I agreed to marry him in my previous marriage but I was wrong… So I was wrong before, will I be right in the future?  I dun even dare to give it a thought, too scary…

Estelle was given this name for a reason… In fact, ever since I first heard of the name, I make a promise to name my first daughter the name Estelle… Actually Estelle was derived from the name Estella… Estella is a character from ‘Great Expectations’ by Charles Dickens…  Bet many of you had read the story and if you haven’t, probably you should go grab it and read it… Estella is a very beautiful but aloof woman in the story… She was brought up not to believe in love so that she would not get hurt… In a way, only she breaks the men’s hearts and not the men breaks her heart… well, I’m not going to teach Estelle not to love but more of, hope that she will not have her feelings hurt by men… Not like her mother, me…  Moreover, I want her to be as beautiful as ever… So once I knew that I was going to have a daughter after my scan, I had in mind to name her with that name…

Guess it takes time to slowly gain/have confidence and trust in relationships again ba… I dun know how long it will take or how many hearts I have to break before I believe in love again…

What Is Love? Chapter 10

Had been very busy since last night with work *pui*… see, previously I said the real phrase should be ‘The reason why Singapore (except for all the police officers) sleep peacefully’ which is the case now… so don’t really have time to write anything on blog too.. Guess I will just attached another chapter of my story since this week had not post any yet… Here it is : What Is Love? Chapter 10

Chapter 10

                The very next day, which was Christmas, I asked E* out.  I wanted to talk to him with regards to what happened the previous night.  We were at Ngee Ann City and found a place to sit and talk.  I asked him what he felt last night and about how he feels about our relationship.  During our conversation, he kept quiet most of the time.  Then I popped the question: Do you love me?  He gave it a thought for a few seconds and said that he did not know what love is. 

                Tears dropped when I heard what he told me.  How could you possibly love when you do not even know what love is?  Does it mean that all along, he did not love me?  I never had the answers.  I stormed away, leaving him behind after I asked him the above questions.  I never looked back because I knew we will never work out.  I wanted someone who is very clear-headed especially when it comes to love.  He did not even know what love is.  All I want is someone who can be true to me, is it too much to ask for? 

                Subsequently, we did not break up but more of drifted apart.  I started to party more and neglected our relationship.  Somehow, I assumed that we were no longer together.  Because I felt too much hurt.  E* did not like me to party and on New Year’s eve, I went to meet up with an internet friend. I was with my classmates and E* and we decided to party away at Boat Quay.  The guy, Benny, joined us and he was talking to me and E* did not like it.  He pulled me out of the pub and shouted at me along the walkway.  I asked him what was his problem and he said that he did not like me partying with unknown people.  I reminded him since he did not know what love is so we should end our relationship.  He was angered and smashed his glass of booze at the sidewalk.  My friends came out after they heard a commotion and dragged him away.

                E* could not get over it and therefore we did not really split apart.  We still went out together but less often.  I did not want to him to get the wrong idea that we were back together.  But more of, to make it less painful for him, I did not just want to get out of his life immediately. With that, he got a wrong idea about everything. 

                After the A’s, I managed to get a part-time job at Coffee Club Holland Village as a waitress.  I needed the job to kill time and to earn some extra cash to support my partying.  I was partying about three or more times a week.  As my classmates were not the partying type, I started partying with my brother and his friends.  I enjoyed it and once you start partying, you get to know a lot of people who are also regulars.  At that time, I was only eighteen and I was pretty.  So it was very easy to get free booze even without asking.  Also, by going to the same place, which was Zouk, the bouncers get to know you and let you in for free, without paying the entrance fee.  My pay for working as a waitress was to pay for the midnight taxi fares and it was quite meager.  I earned five dollars an hour.  Since there was no more school, I was able to work about eight hours a day. 

Bitching With Care (BWC)

The other day Ivan was asking me how I got a food voucher from KFC and thought that I wrote a nasty email with regards to the service/food of the restaurant and that they give me compliments for the feedback that I gave…  Well, that’s not the case… Haven’t been nasty for a long time le… hiaks!!! I remembered that I was offered to be a Swenson’s member after I complained about them…

Yes, I admit that I’m a bitch.. Hiaks!!  I write nasty emails/letters if something is very wrong or ppl are not doing their work etc… It’s not that I am a very fussy person or an angry person… It’s just that sometimes the standard of things are so low that nobody can tolerate it… I chose to make some noise about it while the rest chose to keep quiet about it… When it comes to F&B business, I’m very particular as I spent some time in this business previously… I mean it’s not that I’m extremely demanding however, basic stuff like service, should be there… I hate it when the waiters/waitresses treat you like as if you are invisible etc… I did waitressing before and I dun give this type of lousy service… In fact, I received tips of S$50/- before, for my good service?? hahaha…

As for other matters, I too write nasty emails/letters… sometimes you just got to have some black and white to get things going… but of course, it had to be politically correct and directing the email to the issue rather than the person… I do not have any ill intent while writing those emails… well, I have been quite nice nowadays and had tone down ALOT… hiaks!!! 

To kinda show you guys how nasty I can get, here’s a sample of a letter I wrote to MOS burger in 2005… The manager actually did ask a personal meeting to talk about the issue however I decline as I was too busy and I told him that it’s enough if they took note of the matter… Anyway, most of the time, I dun keep a copy of the nasty mail I write and it’s the others who keep a copy cos’ they could not believe that it could have came from someone like me… Hiaks!!  I dun flare up easily but if I do, it’s something you would not want to witness… Hahaha… Takes alot of crap to make me flare up so when I am angry, I’m really angry… Hee… Enjoy…

To: Management of MOS Burger

COMPLAINTS AFTER VISITING MOS BURGER PARKWAY PARADE OUTLET

                I have always been a regular customer of MOS Burger since 10 years ago.  And I have been to the different outlets of MOS Burger because I will have my meals at MOS Burger whenever I see an outlet since they are not frequently found compared to the other fast food restaurants like MacDonald’s.

                I always believed that being a franchise of a supposedly Japanese chain of fast food restaurant, there must be higher standard of service, food, products etc.  The Japanese culture is well known for being the most detailed and special culture in the world.  However, my recent visit to one of the MOS Burger outlet was really shocking as it was something that I could not accept.  I mean some times, it is understandable for standards to drop a bit but this visit was horrendous. 

                On 3^rd Aug 05 at about 1pm, I went to MOS Burger Parkway Parade outlet to have my lunch alone.  Upon entering the outlet, I observed that there were many tables not cleared.  At first, I gave the benefit of the doubt that it could be lunch time and there may be many customers who may have just eaten and left.  I proceeded to the ordering counter and noticed that there was only one cashier.  Then again, I thought maybe there are not many customers queuing to order food but streams of customers started to come in.  When I was queuing, there were 2 groups of customers in front of me and 2 groups of customers behind me. 

                I started to notice that there is only 2 staff in the whole outlet and there isn’t any manager at all.  One staff is taking orders and also doing the drinks and fries and the other staff was clearing the tables and preparing the food.  More and more customers came into the outlet.  After about 10 mins, I managed to place my order and I got a seat and waited for my food.

                As I was waiting for my food, I observed that the ordering queue started to get longer and customers actually did not want to wait and left the outlet.  There was a man who was served his food and he complained at the counter for having cold fries.  It was very chaotic behind the counter and the kitchen.  I mean, the 2 staff must be so busy up to their neck that they cannot cope with the work. 

                My food came about 15 mins later.  I took only 5 mins to finish my food.  Many other customers were still waiting for their food when I left and I still see the 2 poor staff being so busy, taking care of an outlet by themselves.  Probably that is why their service and food were not up to the normal standard. 

                I have been in the F&B business before and I can see that it is very obvious that they were understaffed.  There was not enough staff employed to run the whole outlet which can seat approximately 60 people (counted accordingly by the number of tables).  I believe that it does not take a person who had been in the F&B business to notice all these. 

                I want to add that on 28^th Aug 05 when I visited the same outlet, there was only 3 staff without any manager.  I could see that they were very busy too.  I do not know if all other outlets in Singapore experience this phenomenon of understaffing.  When I visited the outlet at Isetan Scotts on 26^th Aug 05, there was about 5-6 staff which was enough to keep the busy outlet running smoothly.

                Maybe Isetan Scotts outlet has more customers therefore there is more staff.  However, some other outlets can be busy too especially during lunch/dinner time and also during the weekends.

                I hope that the management will look and deal with the matter seriously.  I was really taken aback by my experience at MOS Burger on 3^rd Aug 05.  I do not wish to see the standard of MOS Burger drop as it has always been the best fast food restaurant compared to the rest.  It’s Japanese isn’t it? 

Yours Sincerely,

Just back from chalet…

I just came back from chalet and crashed in bed right after I reached home… Barely had sleep during the two nights at the chalet cos’ my friends were so loud laughing at night when I was trying to sleep… by the time I fell asleep, it was daybreak le so woke up.. well, at least I had some sleep this afternoon at home…

Had a great time at the chalet, just spending time with friends, catching up on each other… Anyway, had a great plan for Mr Ho who had spend his birthday on Sunday with us however, it was scrapped as the rest of the guys were not too keen on my idea… Hiaks!  can’t really reveal it here though… But we went ahead with the cake idea… Wanted to post the picture of cake here but I’m having some problems with attaching of photos… Hai, i’m a computer idiot…

We bought a cake which was creamed with a woman’s body and it had 2 breasts sticking out from cake (from angie’s the choice)… I think most of you guys should have seen it before… they used to be able to place yakult inside the breasts and we can get the birthday boy/girl to suck the milk out by sticking a straw into the breast… But the bakery shop wasn’t able to do it this time so we just got the cake without the yakults in the breasts… We thought of another plan and execute it… Mr Ho was really surprised and we dun know if he finds it funny and fun but well, we got all the videos!!! hiaks… maybe post it in Youtube… :P  The contingency plan was to get him to remove the candles out of the cake with his mouth only after I had pushed the candles right inside the breasts… hahaha… Guess the rest of the audience really had fun cos’ everyone was laughing and screaming… The message on cake was really funny too… I guess it was all very impromptu for me cos’ did not think of what to put on cake too… It’s like ‘Happy Birthday’ and I did not know what to put for his name, Chee Weng or Mr Ho (both sounded not funny)… then I thought about what another friend referred all the older guys which is D.O.M.  D.O.M  stands for Dirty Old Man… so thought I just use that instead… :P it was madness when Mr Ho pulled the candles out with his mouth…

Other than the chalet, I went for my first pool dive last night… For my scuba course… IT WAS DAMN SCARY!!!  I nearly freaked out when I went underwater, going into the deep end cos it brought back memories and feelings of my near-drowning experience in Tioman… the feeling of sucking in the water into my lungs and not being able to breathe.. I felt that I was going to breathe in the water through my nose so I freaked out… I surfaced and tried to calm down in my mind before going down again… at the start, I really wanted to give up and thought that I will not conquer my fear however, I knew that I can do it and that I should face and embrace my fears rather than run away from them so I continued… well, of course with the encouragement from my buddy too… Hee, Mr Ho damn stressed when he knew that I’m afraid of the water… hiaks!

We learned the safety drills which I thought I can never do, especially removing the mouth piece and blowing into the BC and then back to breathing in the mouth piece again etc… It was so scary… I think my instructor thought that we are good swimmers or what so he kept teaching us all the drills as we wanted to catch up with the rest of the students… they were in their 3rd lesson and we were only in our first… it was kinda hard for me too cos’ the mouth piece kept wanting to slip out of my mouth even though I bite on it really hard… maybe I have a small mouth, hiaks, like real.. :P anyway, will perservere and continue trying my best and to finally complete my scuba course in March… I hope that I can cos’ it will be an accomplishment… it’s not easy to face a fear and to conquer it, it’s near impossible… But I guess i want to prove something to myself, that ‘Nothing is impossible’… Hmm… Now that’s a thought for everyone out there…

Hope Estelle is getting better as I am getting better too…

Estelle is sick too!!!

Found out yesterday from Tingwei that Estelle is sick too… I think her condition is worse than me cos’ her voice was so coarse… Hai… anyway, hope that she will recover soon… aiyoh, how come timing so coincidence de?  I sick, she also sick… Hai… Hope she is okay… she must be feeling very bad as I am…

I’m still bloody sick and had forced myself to sleep from 10pm last night till 12pm this afternoon… haven’t sleep for more than 8 hours for a long time le… I still remembered that my best record was 24 hours of sleep non-stop… but now, i dun think I can sleep for so long… even the 14 hours of sleep last night was like kinda forcing myself in hope that i can feel better… i did feel much better when i woke up however, after 2 hours later, which is now, feel as bad as yesterday again… Hai… Think after I should sleep again after I eat my lunch… :P Hmm…

Just dun know what’s wrong with me… how come I take so long to bloody recover???  I did rest mah…  it’s been a whole week and i’m no better… maybe worse… just hope that i can recover by tomorrow morning cos’ tomorrow night is the chalet le… hai… Wanted to go see doctor however, still waiting to see if i can recover by myself… well, see how later ba… Hmm… going to have my lunch le… *cross fingers* with regards to getting well by tonight… :P

In a lousy mood today

I am in a lousy mood today because of the following : -

i) I had been bloody sick since last Saturday

ii) Because I’m sick, I can’t see Estelle this week as I dun want to pass the virus to her

iii) Singapore wins the bid to host the Youth Olympics in 2010 which means more work for me… *pui*  first it was the F1 then now the Olympics… double *pui*… it’s not like as if we are not busy enough with the daily running of things… Hai…

Anyway, last night went to attend my paternal grandfather’s birthday party at a Chinese restaurant in town… basically I only meet up with family on father’s side like once a year during CNY as my grandfather’s birthday is the last day of CNY… So since we only meet up like once a year, sometimes I dun even get to see some of my cousins on this side of family cos’ not everyone will attend the gathering every year.. However, this year, everyone was present which is a rare sight… Hiaks!  And I did not know that I got a very handsome cousin… Damn… Too bad… Ha!  I think he’s like 23 or 24 years old but he’s cute lah… whahaha… Wasted… Hai… :P Joking lah, i mean, I’m not crazy and I’m definitely not a cradle snatcher… Hee…

Actually it’s kinda sad in a way cos’ it’s like we dun even know our cousins even though we are related… Probably we are not that close ba… I’m kinda closer to my maternal cousins however, not close enough to go out with them or keep in contact with them too… Hmm… Guess my family is those who do our own things de… 

Oh yes, I know that I have a cousin (the elder brother of the cute one) who is also in the force but the difference is that he is a scholar… anyway, I heard that he’s been disillusioned about the job and was kinda disappointed with what he is going through… I mean, it’s like I had the best times during my IO stint so how can he not be enjoying it… Hiaks… probably because he’s in a different division ba, different culture… And then my uncle and I were just talking and discussing about things and he was asking me on the reason why I joined the force… I told him that I was from NPCC and that this is an EXTRAORDINARY career and I asked him if he ever seen the advert on ‘The reason why Singapore sleeps peacefully’… He said yes and I told him that the phrase is incorrect… The right one should be ‘The reason why Singapore (except for all the police officers) sleeps peacefully’… whahaha… it’s like once you sign on the dotted line, your whole life is being sold to the organisation… We can’t sleep peacefully because we know that we can be activated anytime and it can be quite frustrating if it is common but well, we suffer for the sake of others right?  Then my uncle was saying ‘Well, I dun care if you guys dun sleep peacefully, as long as I sleep peacefully can liao’… Hiaks!  That’s the kind of thinking that the public has about us… Hmm… Actually most of us dun mind to sacrifice… However, we are always taken for granted, not appreciated and treated like shit… Anyway, I always tell my guys that it’s our duty and just dun take things personally lor… Hiaks!!

Going for my first pool dive next Monday… dun know if everything will be smooth or not… I think my buddy should be quite stress after knowing that my nemesis is the water… whahaha… I just can’t seem to conquer the water… Hmm…

Think I need to go see the doctor tonight… Now my blocked nose is still blocked, my blocked ears are still blocked, my heavy head is still throbbing and an extra symptom today is that I’m coughing out the phlegm and it’s green in colour… Damn… Still have to go do a recce in the hot afternoon later… Hai… So sad…

What is Love? Chapter 9

Man, still sick!!!!! May not be bringing Estelle home this weekend cos’ I’m still sick… Hai… I dun want to pass the stupid virus to her… Can’t take MC today and tomorrow cos’ many urgent things at work to do so… Hmm… if I dun get better by tomorrow night, will go see doctor then… It’s like I could feel that my nose is blocked, my ears are stuck and my head is throbbing… Damn it… Yesterday went to the Airshow and well, it reminded the time when I did a temp job at Asian Aerospace about 10 years ago…

Anyway, was walking through the exhibitors at the Airshow and there were some Ang-mohs which give me that kind of look… like when you walk past them, they just turn their heads to look at you from left to right etc… I mean, never see before pretty lady meh?  hiaks!  Joking nia lah… I guess those foreigners are just looking for chances of one-night stands ba…

Okay, so what happen 10 years ago… when you do a temp job as a receptionist, all you need to do is to sit there and look pretty… Doesn’t matter if you know nuts about the company or the products because if people are interested, you refer them to the boss… So well, when I was sitting there, looking young and pretty, Ang-mohs/foreigners will approach and ask you for phone numbers (I will always give them fake numbers, hiaks!) or ask you out for a dinner date AT THEIR HOTEL… wah lao… I mean, how lame can it get… anyway, i decline all of them… maybe they are really sincere in wanting to make friends however, i doubt so…

Well, I have a dear friend who keeps saying ‘Well, you will definitely expect ppl to look at you if you dress nicely or whatever… Women crave for attention right?’  Wrong answer… We dun crave for attention… it’s like, well, we want to look good however, we dun want guys to STARE… looking is fine, but no staring pls… it’s kinda rude and we will feel offended lor… hahaha… actually i dun really care cos’ most of the time, i dun really take note of those ppl who are looking/staring at me… hiaks… it’s the ppl around me who will tell me…

Okay, here’s What is Love? Chapter 9

Chapter 9

                After I turned 18 in year two of college, I started to go partying as I was of legal age.  However, due to school, I did not go very often.  Serene, one of my classmates, was the one who brought me to Zouk and opened my eyes to the night scene.  We had fun dancing and drinking.  Having to cope with studies and having fun, I had some trouble coping with good grades in school. I barely made it to the second year of college.  Therefore, I made up my mind to make it through A’levels, at least be able to get into the local universities. 

                I then stayed back in school every day to study.  But there were many distractions like talking to friends and just lazing around and E*.  Still, I managed to get some work in my mind and was quite prepared for the exams.  The A’levels was tough, very tough.  It is the most difficult exams that I have gone through.  When it was over, we celebrated.  I went out with my friends almost every day.  We went out for movies, playing games at arcade, shopping etc.

                With E*, we were more like friends.  I loved him but he had some traits which was quite scary to me.  We had our arguments and quarrels due to opposing thoughts and views.  During the disagreements, he would be violent sometimes.  One time, he pulled a chair and slammed it on the floor.  Another time, he threw a jigsaw puzzle we were trying to put together, into the wall.  To me, it was one of his flaws but as long as he did not hurt me when he was violent, I could accept all that.

                The issue of him getting close to other girls and of him giving the wrong signals to them came up in our quarrels many times.  He was the head of the scouts’ group in school and the other scouts were mainly female students in their first year of school.  They joined the scouts because of E*’s good looks.  And there was this girl who was coming on strong on him.  Everyone felt that, not just me.  I told him about it and he thought that I was just paranoid.  Okay, I accepted that. 

                On Christmas’ eve of 1997, we had a Christmas party at E*’s place.  He invited all our friends and his scouts’ members and the other girl also attended the party.  There were a few of us who stayed late at his place and she was one of them.  They were talking to each other for quite a considerable time about some issues on their scouts’ group.  So I went up to his room with a few friends to surf the internet. 

                After about an hour, E* was still not in sight.  I decided to proceed to the first floor to see where he was and what he was doing.  What I saw shocked me.  He was sitting real close to the other girl, talking very softly.  They saw me and the other girl kept quiet immediately.  Before he could say anything, I went back upstairs.  I was angry and he knew that I did not like what he did but he carried on.  That was what pissed me off.  I then went into the internet chat room and started chatting away, getting to know some guys whom I have never seen. 

What is Love? Chapter 8

Feel sicker today compared to yesterday.. Think my fever is on and off now.. Was running a fever and gastric pangs last night… Didn’t help with the drinks that I had last night… Too much, too fast… Hmm… Think I should start popping my Febs… Cold relief tablets… Man, I’m having a running nose today too… Shouldn’t have the thought the other day when I donated blood… one of the questions was ‘Were you running a fever for the past 3 weeks?.. Then I was thinking ‘Eh, had been quite some time since the last time I fell sick… Wah, I’m healthy leh’ The next day, I fell sick… Damn…

Went to see my lawyer last evening with regards to the divorce agreement… Basically all I want to frame is a neutral story for Estelle… I guess Tingwei and myself will never feel just about what we did to each other however, all that is being done now with regards to the divorce, it’s all for Estelle’s good… Felt so bad again as when I see the papers, I just feel that I’m a failure… Hai… Never mind me… When my lawyer ask me, ‘Are you going to remarry?’ while discussing on maintainence, I was like stunned for a few seconds cos’ I did not know how to reply him… i dun even have the answer myself… I wanted to give him the answer like ‘How do you expect me to trust another man when I dun even believe in committments anymore, after what I went through?’… But of course I must be politically correct so I told him, well, just let nature takes its own course ba…

Okay, will try to post more than 1 chapter of my story every week since some of you are asking for the next chapter etc… well, provided that I got time to log on and post it here ba… Hee ; ) Will be quite busy this week cos’ of work schedules and also, planning a birthday bash this weekend for a dear friend, Mr Ho… Mr Ho, if you are reading this, no worries, I will not reveal the secret plan here… probably after sunday and after all the pictures taken, then I will diary the ‘fabulous’ birthday that you are going to have… the best birthday that you are going to have in your life… whahaha… dun be afraid lah… Hmm, but I think all your friends are real bad too… Though I am the initiator (as always), but all of them gave ideas… whahaha… Hee… Ssshhhhhhh…..

Chapter 8

                Because my JC mates and I spent a lot of time together, our friendship blossomed.  I lost touch with my friends in secondary school, just like how I lost contact with my primary school friends.  Probably it was because I did not make the effort to go for the gatherings even till now.  I feel that sometimes when time passes and not being in contact with them, even if I were to attend the gatherings, there would not be any common topic to talk about.  But for my JC mates, we did try to make the effort to meet up now and then however it is always the same few people as usual.  Well, I am appreciative that the same few people take the effort to keep in contact and not lose touch.

                Somewhere between my first year and second year in college, W* got in touch with me.  We went out for a few times with his new group of friends but then we lost contact again.  He was the first person who made me feel how exciting it is to ride on a motorbike.  He still looked the same, charming.  This time around, I did not feel upset or disappointed because I did not hold any hopes that we could be together again.  I treated him as a friend and that’s just it.  It will be after many years, 10 years to be exact, before we met again at the Home Team Promotion ceremony.  He is now in Prisons Department and he could not recognize me that day when we met at the Promotion Ceremony.  I had to call out to him and we spoke for a while.  I was very surprised to actually meet him there because I did not expect to see anyone whom I lost contact with for so long.  He doesn’t really look the same because he put on some weight and of course, like me, aged.  As he was not so forthcoming, I just cut short our conversation.  He was there with either his girlfriend or wife. I’m also not sure as he did not introduce her to me.  I felt glad that I met him and at least I know that he is doing well.

                There were a few suitors during the time when I was in college but I had the same principles which is if I do not feel that it was possible, I will tell the guy straightaway to not waste his time at all.  And they hated me for it, for being so frank, for not giving them a chance.  I did not change my principles then because I always believed that it will just be a waste of time for everyone and it doesn’t change anything if I were to give them a chance.  Then someone came along in my love life. 

                E* was one of our groupies.  He was part of my group of friends in school because he was in the same class as me.  We started out as very good friends and we talked practically about everything under the sun.  We would talk about his estranged relationship with his ex-girlfriend who was with us during the first three months in school.  She subsequently went to another junior college. 

                There was not really an attraction to him even though he was one of the good lookers in school.  The first attraction was during one of the classes, I was resting my head on his table because I was tired due to a headache.  He too, laid his head on his table.  Our hands somehow got into contact and that was where we got the chemistry. At that time, I did not have high hopes that the relationship will last due to my previous encounter with W*.  So with E*, it was more of trying on my part to work out the relationship.  Who will not want their relationship to work out?  Everybody does.

                Everything went quite smoothly at the start.  He was loving and caring however, he had a bad habit of wanting attention from other woman.  He’s a Leo.  I guessed that is why he yearns for attention.  It was not that I did not give him any but answer is, I myself do not know why.  As I am who I am, I made it clear to him that I did not like him to get too near or intimate to other girls, especially those girls who took interest in him.  He heard me clear enough but still, things happened.

So, do you believe in God?

Well, I do… I am a Christian at birth… both sides of my family (my mum’s family and my dady’s family) are Christians… So it is no doubt that I am a Christian too… However, I have never been baptised… Why?  Cos’ I’m lazy to attend the classes before baptism… Also, like what ppl says of me, I’m a back slider… Back sliders are ppl who are Christians however, they do not go to church, they dun read the bible everyday etc… If that’s the description, then yes, I’m a backslider… But it doesn’t make me a less-Christian… So does it mean those ppl who are Christians, attending church religiously every week, bible study etc, does it make them a better Christian??  If they do not concentrate on/believe in what they are doing, what’s the point of attendance?  Anyway, ppl will say that I’m just giving excuses… Whatever… I dun really care cos’ it’s between God and myself… Hiaks!

In fact, I was a regular attendee at church when I was young… I read the bible when I was 7 years old… and I attended sunday school classes for the older children instead of going to the class of my age… I represented my church to participate in some bible knowledge competition, I was 9 years old and the competition was for 12-year-olds… Ha, I was that good… subsequently, did not go to church anymore cos’ could not wake up early on sundays and no more kakis to go cos’ everyone grew up… used to go to church with my cousins and after church, we will go over to my grandma’s place for family gatherings… once everyone grew up, less contact and no longer bonded with them ba…

Oh yes, I still remembered when I was 7 years old and I kinda questioned as to how ppl could still think or exist once life ceases… It’s the brain that controls everything right?  If you are brain dead, you just cease in existence… You can’t think at all, you can’t even remember who your loved ones are cos’ your brain is dead, no more functioning… You just go with the wind… Hiaks! then again, it’s the soul that goes to heaven or hell after life right?  Well, this can only be confirmed once you are dead however, there will not be anyone to double confirm that cos’ by then, they are dead… Hmm… it’s not the same as those who are near to the brink of death… for those, the brain still functioned on the littlest amount of oxygen which is in the body even though the heart stops beating… so they still can think and they see images of bright light and stuff like that which may be conjure by the persons themselves… Well, everyone will get to find this out when they are dead so no real answers…

When I was young, I kept questioning God with regards to my broken family… Why this and why that?  Why me?  Why did I have the good fortune to have only one parent while the rest of the ppl have both parents?  I guess I never had the answer and it was assumed that God has his plans for me… Well, probably I’m bad luck so I’m kinda chosen by God to go through the shit paths too… not everyone is lucky to get a smooth and nice journey through life right??  Some ppl will definitely have to walk through the shit… So i guess i’m just one of them, like those who are as unfortunate as me… Then again, some Christians will say, it’s not a shit path, it’s how God through these, relays his messages to me and stuff like that, blah blah blah… Ya I know, but it’s still a shit life right??  Ha ha… Just to clarify, I’m not mocking at God or at Christians… it’s just how I feel and it’s not meant to harm anyone… It is a path crafted by God, specially for me, so I’m not complaining…

Then it happened to me… My own family is broken.. This time around, I dun question God anymore cos’ anyway, I already know the answer… God have other plans for me… Isn’t that the universal answer for all questions?  I believe that God have plans however, I do believe that destiny is in your own hands too… How you live your life, how you make decisions everyday… All decisions, big or small, made everyday will determine which path you walk, your future… So I think God is extremely busy cos’ he will have to plan all the time which paths you walk by the deicisons made everyday…

I dun know what’s the big hoo-haa with ppl about going to heaven… Everyone wants to go to heaven, but then again, are you fit to go there?  I dun think I’m fit to go to heaven so I think I’m definitely going to hell, well, it’s up to God again… it’s not as easy as like, oh, ask God for forgiveness for the sins that you have committed etc then you will go heaven… to err is human… God made us imperfect so all of us sin… But some of us are good-hearted, some of us are evil-hearted… I thought it should be based on that rather than, evil hearted ppl going to heaven even after asking for forgiveness.. i mean they have the evil intention at hand right?  Then again, I’m not God so it’s not up for me to judge anyone… I just know that I’m not an angel nor I’m a devil… I’m just a normal person… Probably there are things that I can’t even forgive myself so how can I expect God to forgive me… So if God puts me in hell, I wun complain too… You hear stories that ppl on death row always converts to Christianity before hanging… why?  because they are afraid to go to hell so they take a chance on that… i mean, how do you expect to go to heaven after you killed someone?? (i mean those with evil intention and not due to crime of passion or what lah)… Hmm…  I think that will be kinda fake but again, I’m not God so it’s not up to me to judge… Maybe they really have the sincere intention to believe in Christ at the last minutes of their lives…

I guess religions are very subjective and it’s really a very personal belief, probably that is the reason why it’s a taboo… there are some ppl (extremists) who spoil the whole religion thingie, giving other ppl bad impression of their religion… I’m not writing this entry to waiver any beliefs that you ppl have, just some of my own thoughts and beliefs…

I love my life, even though may be full of shit sometimes…And most of all, I love the beautiful angel that God had sent me… Hee, her name is Estelle…  She’s a blessing…

I think I’m really falling sick…

Man, I can feel the soreness of my throat… I think i am falling sick very soon… or maybe because I slept late last night at 3am… Hmm… think I must load up lots of water in my body… and no fried food to prevent the throat from getting inflamed… Hai…

Well, at least there is a piece of good news today which is, I lost 2 kgs!!!  See, i’m right… the most I can lose is 2 kgs per week (6 days to be exact) if I dun control diet… if control diet, could be more than that… Hmm… I did not go for a swim this morning cos’ was not feeling too good… my body is still aching… ha… maybe today’s exercise will be shopping therapy ba!!! wahaha… Yes, I think i shall do that since it’s been a long time since i really shop… Or is it?  but anyway, see only mah, not necessary have to buy right?  For those who are interested in losing lots of weight, can come look for me… my consultation is free… Hee…

suppose to go for pool dive this week however my diving buddy not free so my friend is arranging with the instructor to see if we can schedule another date for the pool dive… Hai… if not, got to see where got lobang again… Hmm… see how ba… guess plans are always disrupted and nothing will go the right way de…

this week i better take good care of myself before Estelle comes over again.. the last thing i would want is to pass the virus to her… think I must do alot of sucking this week too… sucking on lozenges lah… Hee…

okay, I got to stay positive even though there are some negative thoughts yesterday… hope tonight’s dinner with friends can perk me up a bit and keep me ready for the coming 2 weeks which will be really busy… Hai… Hopefully work will slow down a bit at the beginning of march… Eh, i forgot I’m involved in a combine exercise with other agency in march… Hai… wah lao, closing of financial year also… I think, the earliest for being less busy will be in April le… sianz… so it will be real good if i can make the diving trip in end Mar… Hai…

actually last night’s spin off (which I did not indicate in my last night’s blog and it’s a topic which is considered as taboo : religion) should be : Do you believe in God?  Well, this topic is a bit sensitive and would require alot of concentration and thoughts to write on this topic so I guess I will leave it for another day ba… today, I should just rest my body and rest my mind… Hiaks!!

Ba Gua Spell Strikes again!!!

Just had 2 slices of Ba Gua again… I think that will be the last 2 slices for this year if not, instead of losing weight, I will gain more weight… dun know if i can finish my exercise regime for this week cos’ my body start to ache and feel lethargic… maybe the neck ache is due to the bobbing head up and down during swimming to catch my breathes… yes, i did 40 laps this morning… supposedly tomorrow have to do another 40 laps again… see how… maybe i will go blading instead… but ECP alot of ppl during the weekend… Hmm… will decide tomorrow ba…

This morning, send Estelle to her daddy again… she did the same bawling and crying and hugging like a koala bear… however, she did a new stunt today… when i tried to put her in the child seat, she stretched out her hand and pushed the car door, preventing me from carrying her into the car… when i see her cry, i could feel my heart wrenching… i myself want to cry when I see her do that… but i know i can’t do that in front of her, cos’ she will feel more lost if i were to do that… so i got to be brave in front of her… at least she will know that it’s not really a sad or scary thing to say goodbye… well, at least to mummy… dun know why she likes to do that to me… makes it so hard everytime…

I received a draft divorce agreement from Tingwei’s lawyer today… ironic that it was dated on 14^th feb somemore… ha! I was kinda upset and unjust after reading it cos’ the terms and conditions are alright however, the story doesn’t seem to coincide to what we had said… basically we are even ready for seperation for 3 years if the judge doesn’t grant divorce for ‘things just dun work out’… however, his lawyer (i think it’s the lawyer’s job to side with their clients right?) wrote in Tingwei’s favor and that everything was my bloody fault… and that I had moved out without his knowledge.. this wasn’t true… I told him that I was moving out and before the actual day, I had done much packing too…

Had discussed with him afterwards to amend the story to coincide with the general story that we are going to tell Estelle… that things just din work out… I dun wish Estelle to grow up next time and somehow she chanced upon things like the divorce agreement… I dun want any of us to be the bad guys… I know that both of us had contributed to the bad marriage however, I know both of us want the best for Estelle too… I tried to work things out too but I guess my best is never enough for him ba… maybe that’s one of the reason too?

I still dun know the real reason why the marriage broke down but one thing for sure is communication breakdown… when we open our mouth, we quarreled… we could not relay our messages correctly to each other because the messages kinda get distorted or heard differently by each other… but now, we are trying to hear the correct messages for Estelle… just for Estelle… but as friends only because both of us know that we can never be together again… too much things had happened and things can’t be undone… doesn’t really matter what is the real story because both of our stories will definitely be different because it’s told as a first person… Tingwei has his own story and I have mine… what matters most is the story that Estelle is going to hear which is the generalized version ba… and the easiest to comprehend… I know both of us love her…

I have to be strong for Estelle… and I had… what matters to me most, is Estelle… as long as I have joint custody, the rest of the things dun really matter… what I’m skeptical about is that Tingwei has the care and custody of Estelle and I have only joint and reasonable access to Estelle… So what’s reasonable and unreasonable?  Basically that will be based on trust… I find it kinda hard to trust him again but I dun really have a choice… all I can hope for is that he keeps his word and that his conscience will eat him up if he doesn’t… I dun wish to fight anymore… I just want my fair share of Estelle… the rest of the conditions I have given in to him even though it’s not to my favor but I guess it’s because I dun wish to fight, I dun wish to waste my time, money and effort, I dun wish to feel tired over this whole situation… I just want it to be over and done with… to put this chapter in the past and to start another new chapter with Estelle…

can’t help but to tear whenever I speak about my marriage… it shows that I am a failure… at least in this part of life… i can’t even sustain a normal marriage… my parents like that, now i’m also like that… took me 6 years after my parents’ divorce, for me (12 years old) to not cry when i speak of my family..  I dun know how long it’s going to take me to not cry when I speak of my own family… well, if speaking about it superficially, i wun tear but if speaking entails feelings and thoughts, then it’s different… i’m an emotional person… that spells everything isn’t it? 

Happy Valentines Day! + What is Love? Chapter 7

Okay, I did not receive any flowers for Valentines day again this year… hiaks!!  Well, always hope that i got secret admirer… hahaha.. nah, joking nia… if it’s that, then it’s really scary cos’ you dun know if the other person is a stalker or what… just wait for another year ba… actually it’s kinda sweet to receive flowers (be it any day)… sometimes I will just buy myself some flowers and put in office (yes, i do that so that my office will smell good)… when i feel stress with work, i just stop and smell the flowers… hiaks!! it really does reduce the stress… i think i only recieved flowers for Valentine’s day once, given by my 3rd bf *S*… it was sweet lor cos’ did not expect mah… somemore it’s quite a big bouquet… hiaks!!! but for other occasions, got receive flowers oso lah… but it’s different on Valentine’s day right?  :P

To you ladies who do receive flowers today, good for you and enjoy it.. for those who dun, well, just too bad that Singaporean guys are not romantic enough ba… :P most of them think that flowers are a waste of money esp on Valentine’s Day… Guys think that Valentine’s day is just another ordinary day… it’s kinda true but somehow, one will feel extremely lonesome to be alone during Valentine’s day… Hmm… that is why it’s best not to be alone on this fateful day… ha! Then again, if you are a lovey-dovey couple, every day is valentine’s day… or is that the same excuse guys use all the time?  :P  Hee…

Since it’s Valentine’s Day today, I will post another chapter of my story… oh yes, i managed to swim my 40 laps today… Hee… tomorrow will be a rest day since will be taking care of Estelle… Yay!! will get to see her soon… sat and sun morning will go for swims also… so practically exercise everyday of the week… wah, I so onz right?  Hee… This is what I call healthy lifestyle… :P but must have time lor… anyway, here it is : What is Love? Chapter 7

Chapter 7

                  Come to think of it, I did not really study that hard.  I think out of all the exams I had, the O’levels was the easiest.  Well, after I left secondary school, while waiting for the results of the O’levels to be out, I decided to enroll in a Junior College as my grades was 16 in aggregate (5 subjects and 2 languages).  Since my grades weren’t that good, I did not wish to try my luck to enroll in a well-known Junior College.  Distance from school to home was also a consideration.  After much thought, I chose Serangoon JC. 

                This time around, I did not have any problem trying to settle in at my new school as I was from a mixed school.  But I observed that there were many girls who had trouble settling in as they were from girls’ school.  For the first three months, school wasn’t like for studies.  It was more of fun time with the group of new friends I made there.  They were from the same class as me and I was in the Science Stream.  I chose to take Biology and Chemistry because I sucked at Physics.  Anyway, my friends in class were a bunch of great people.  Till now, some of us are still in contact even though we may be busy with our own work and life.  My JC life was during the year 1996 – 1997 and even though it may be a short period, it was like a rollercoaster ride to me like the one I had in secondary school.

                From January till March 1996, I stayed out late at town with my friends almost every school day.  Lectures and tutorials were for gossiping and bitching around.  Passing of notes and giggling were part of being playful during class.  As the results of O’levels were not out yet, none of us were serious in studying since we do not even know if we would get good enough results to get into college.  I had a crush on one of the second year student during the first week of orientation.  He was cute but all of us could see that he liked another freshman from a girls’ school because he was always getting near to her.  So I forgot about the thought and anyway, I did not think of having a relationship.  By having a relationship, it means being tied down.  I rather have the freedom of dating any guy I want, whenever I want.

                O’levels results were released at the end of February.  All of us would have to go back to our secondary school to collect our results. I was actually hoping that I could catch a glimpse of W* when I go back and I did.  However, he did not bother to look at me.  But at least I got a consolation which was my aggregate score was 12 (4 subjects and 2 languages).  I did not expect it and I was glad.  Even though my score was good enough to go into a better college, I decided to stay on at Serangoon JC since I had already settled down over there.  I always believed that it doesn’t matter which school you attend, as long as you do your best, you can get good grades too if you study hard. 

                Almost all of my friends chose to stay at Serangoon JC even though they had grades which could get them into a better college.  And most of them were still in the same class after assignment of classes due to selection of subjects.  I was in 1S6.  1S6 was famous in school for having the highest ratio of girls to guys and the least number of students in a class.  My class was made up of 3 males and 16 females.  1S6 and in the second year, 2S6, was also famous for having the most fun-loving, active, cool and playful girls in school.  We were loud and brash but having the best times in our lives.  We participated in many events in our school and also in many sport competitions. 

What is Love? Chapter 6

Managed to hit the gym yesterday during the lunch time… blading this evening should be able to fulfil too… however, lunch time today had buffet (treat from boss)… Sigh, start to feel bulging stomach again… damn!! think must put in more effort in my blading later… And i guess it’s no dinner for me tonight cos’ I’m bloody full… Last night after dinner at home, still went to eat the orgas cake plus other sinful desserts at Bakerzin with my family… wanted to let my mum have a taste of the orgas cake that i’m crazy over.. Hee… Hmm… Anyway, today is Wednesday which is story day… So here is it : What is Love? Chapter 6… Oh ya, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day… So to everyone out there, Happy Valentine’s Day!!! If you are attached, always remember to love and treasure your partner and accept them for who they are, not what you want them to be because everyone is special and unique… If you are single, enjoy the freedom while you can and date as much as possible, you never know who you are going to meet… If you are heart broken recently, go to the mirror and tell yourself that you will be able to pick up the pieces and move on with life, dun stay at home to be miserable because nobody will pity you.. Go out and have some wild fun with friends… Do things that you think you will never do… by doing all that, you will feel empowered and in control of your life again… ; ) trust me… Hee…

                Chapter 6

                My trust in W* was so great that I did not suspect him to betray me.  I thought maybe the most is that he will think that we are not compatible and deicide to break up.  That was the worst for me but the reality is that he betrayed my trust.  And M*, a friend, also did the same to me.  If it was another girl, whom I do not know or is not a friend, maybe I would not have felt so bad.  How could she do this?  How could you steal a friend’s boyfriend?  How low can you go?  I still could not believe that such women exist but they do.  They do. It doesn’t mean that others will not do what you think you will never do.  Some people’s principles and values are different.  There are people who put their own well-being in front of others.  But it is not me.  I was brought up in an environment that entails me to self sacrifice for the sake of others.  It doesn’t matter if I suffer to allow many others to be happy.  Silly?  I would agree but that’s just me.  When others are happy, I will be happy.

                There were many questions that popped in my mind when I heard the news.  I could not take it and broke down in the toilet.  My friends subsequently came in to console me.  At the end of recess, the bell rang.  There was no choice but to come out of the toilet and face everyone. Apparently, everyone in school knew about it except for me.  Even the teachers knew about it.  I was the last one to know.  I was partly angry because W* did not have the courtesy to at least let me know about it before the rest of the school gets to hear it.  Why am I the last one to know?  It was my relationship and I knew nuts about it.  Seriously, I would rather hear it from W* then to hear it from my friends.  I never had such kind of disappointment and I thought that I would not pull through this toil but I did.  And this was just the first of the many disappointments I was going to have in the coming future. 

                W* did not even initiate break up with me.  It was assumed that the relationship ended with my knowledge of the incident between him and M*.  I bogged myself down with my ECA and my studies.  After breaking up with W*, suitors started coming back again.  At that time, I was not ready for another relationship.  I did not want to get hurt again.  I did not trust men anymore.  To prevent hurting others and playing with their feelings, I told them that I was not interested at all.  Being single was what I wanted, to be carefree and not to be worried that my boyfriend will be unfaithful to me. 

Men are all jerks, just like my father.  The first man that I know in my life was my father and he was unfaithful to my mother.  It applies to the first lover in my life too.  How disappointed can I get?  At that time, I thought that my life was at the lowest it could get but I was wrong.  The more you believe in love, the more disappointed you will get when it fails.  That was the lesson I subsequently learnt.  I thought I give love a chance.  To me, fairy tales of happily ever after doesn’t exist.  But a part of me still hangs on to a dream.  A dream that I will be able to find someone I love to spend the rest of my life with.  That was how I kept falling into the same stupid and endless trap again and again.  The trap of trusting someone you loved so much and thought that he loves you too but to get hurt in the end.

Each time I have a failed relationship, my self-confidence takes a great fall and it takes time to slowly build it up again.  I am a confident person, full of confidence about myself.  However, it is always the relationship problems that take away my self confidence.  And I hated that feeling, that feeling of helplessness, unworthiness and self pity. 

W* and I were unofficially declared as not a couple anymore at the end of Secondary 3.  He subsequently dated M*, right after I found out about them.  I did not bother to look at them or find out how they are doing as I was too busy with studies and ECA.  The Prelims and O’levels were coming and I studied hard.  Played harder.  I had much fun with my bosom buddies from NPCC.   

singapore flyer

I was at the Singapore flyer this morning for a recce… And I took some close-up pictures of the Singapore flyer since i believed that most ppl have yet to see the biggest ferris wheel on earth real close… so thought of putting the pics here so that you guys get to see how huge it actually is… did not really have good angles to take the photos from as the space is quite small from the bottom of the wheel… i took the photos right from the centre support of the wheel… anyway, dun expect too much from my photos cos’ i not pro… there are better photo taking spots at the rear of the wheel near to the water bank however i was at work right? so no time to take photos while doing the recce.. haha…

Orgas Cake Trial - No 1

Orgas Cake Trial No 1 on 11th Feb night - FAILED!!!  As I had some time last night and my bro was at home, I decided to try out the receipe we got from the book and tried to make the orgas cake (if you guys remember, it’s the cake with the molten chocolate in the centre of cake)… The batter tasted alright, not too sweet… However, I think I baked it for too long… became like the normal chocolate cake instead… Sigh… Never mind… I will learn from my experience and see what I can do better… Will try again next week since I can’t have chocolate cakes everyday right?  I am suppose to be on a strict regime of exercise and controlled diet (ya right, Ha!)…

I think my pants feel a bit looser today and my stomach feels tighter… Hmm *touching belly*… Damn! it’s still a belly right?  I’m still F-A-T, fat!!  Nvm, I still got 5 days to go till Sunday night… I think the most I will lose 2 kgs nia cos’ some of the fats may turn to muscles and muscles weigh much heavier… Hmm… I still ate the chocolate cake last night… but one thing good is, the curse of the ba guas did not strike last night… but then again, maybe I was full due to the chocolate cake… wah lao, the chocolate cake is as fattening as the ba guas right?  Hai…

I guess it will take me a 100 times before I can master the orgas cake… maybe even if I can make, it will not be as good as the one at bakerzin… hai… but sometimes, food that is cooked with much love and effort, usually taste nicer right?  Hee… my mum was quite encouraging saying that it was alright only baked for too long etc… at least she didn’t really put me down lor… hahaha…

Before we made the cake, we were looking for the cake mould and I nearly went crazy over it… my brother packed his stuff in boxes when he moved over so his stuff was not really classified properly in the boxes and the moulds are small and could be anywhere… the whole family was searching everywhere, in all boxes, however still can’t find it… I was like fed up and said that probably we will just go get new moulds and no point looking for a needle in a haystack.. however, my mum just kept continuing searching… It’s like once you start looking for something, you can’t stop… even if you search the box, you will search the same one again cos’ you think that you may miss it out during the first time… Whahaha… so I just told everyone to stop looking for it (if not, I will go crazy) and my stepfather continued and found it at a place where all of us had search before many times and missed it out… Sigh… Felt so stupid & dumb again… aiyoh…

Oh, I did not take photos of the cake cos’ it looks like shit though it does not taste like shit lah… Hmm… at least to me… usually things I make and I eat, it’s okay… but dun know about the taste buds of other ppl… my brother ate the cake and his face looked like as if he tasted shit… but my mum looked alright when she ate the cake… Hmm, like i said, good is very subjective… good to me may not be good to you… Hahaha… maybe I will take photos next time… :P

Just received news that my scuba diving pool session is next week…  Ooh, can’t wait… I hope I dun look fat in the suit… Sigh…

Exercise, exercise, exercise!!

Hiaks!!! Said that I will hit the gym during the lunch breaks this week (provided I do not have meetings) and I did, at least on the first day of the week…  Was kinda lazy to drag myself there however, I know I had to cos’ I’m F-A-T, FAT!!!  Man… I can’t even do 20 incline sit-ups continously… No wonder I got FLABS instead of ABS, damn!! 

Well, I dun think I lost ANY weight yet since I just started my exercise regime this week (and I’m still snacking on the ba guas, damn!)… had been running 5 km every Wed however, if there is meeting, then I wun run and I haven’t ran for about 1 month le due to appts etc… Hmm… Packed this whole week with exercises and hopefully get to complete them (no last minute of meetings etc)… Mon - Gym, Tues - Gym, Wed - Blading (at least 10km, hope to do 15km - 20km, depending on availability of time), Thurs - Swim 40 laps, Sat - Swim 40 laps, Sun - Swim 40 laps (provided I dun go weak after donating blood on Sat, Haha, nah, joking nia, I not that weak)…

Yes, I’m not crazy but this week, I have a bit of time on hand cos’ I am only taking care of Estelle on Friday (cos Sat & Sun night I got church thingie and dinner till quite late so arranged with her Daddy for him to care for her these 2 days, if not I bring her along, she confirm will mang zhang as till quite late)… So since I have some time in the weekend mornings, I might as well do extra… haha… at least I will not feel that guilty about munching on new year goodies?? Actually didn’t eat much compared to the past few years… But even if I eat one mouth or eat 10 mouths, will still put on weight, no difference… *pui* how come other ppl eat so much wun put on weight, I eat abit then put on so much weight?  Sigh…Oh yes, and I bought the dumb bells… so hopefully they can be put to good use especially when I watch TVs…

I dun really like going to the gym because of all the mirrors… it’s like you are surrounded by the mirrors… i mean, if you have a great bod, it’s fine… but most ppl, do not have a perfect body so it gets kinda depressing when you look into the mirror and see what you do not wish to see… Hiaks!!! But I guess the gym will be the best place for short workouts and during rainy days…  Most of the time, I try not to look myself in the mirror but sometimes, really no choice cos’ the bloody treadmill is in front of the mirror… Sigh… and when you run or walk briskly, you will see all the flabs on the arms and the legs and the stomach, jiggling out of control… then you kinda see how much fats you really have… Whahaha…

Anyway, it’s alright having a bit of fats (i’m not anorexic or bulimic, no worries)… But of course, got to keep the fats in check too… Hiaks!!  In fact, it’s good to have a bit of fats, at least it’s nicer to be cuddled right?? compared to just skin and bones  :P  Haha!!  Well, if I manage to complete my regime this week, which is to exercise practically everyday, I will go weigh myself by Sunday night and report progress… Hmm… as to whether I lost any weight… Last Fri/Sat, I weigh myself at 52kg… maybe should keep a note on what I ate too so that at least I know whether I control my diet or not too… Sigh… sad… 2 slices of ba guas last night to start it off… Damn!! I bet you guys are cursed by the ba gua spell too…

2nd day of CNY & I’m FAT!!!

1st 2 days of CNY had gone by really quickly… basically is for the catching up with family and relatives… however, really boring these 2 days cos’ Estelle is not around… She went to Malaysia with her Daddy to visit his side of family… Well, it’s okay… She will be coming over to my place tomorrow morning… i have many relatives and it can be quite messy when it comes to distributing the red packets… and also, sometimes ppl forget about the kids unless the kids are there physically… anyway, collected the red packets for her whenever my relatives remembered about Estelle.. I think they love her cos’ she’s real cute and all kept asking how come I didn’t bring her… Hmm, hope that she can come along with me next year… dun know if it’s possible but will try to work out something with her Daddy for next year…

I think i put on 2 kgs recently… damn… i think i’m putting on lots of weight… I think i got to hit the gym during lunch hours at work.. think I’m going to buy dumb bells so that I can work out even when I’m watching tv at home or reading email at work… hiaks… i need to lose 4 kgs!!! i’m now weighing at bloody 52kgs!!! wah lao… my lightest was 48kg after I lost weight… damn, i’m fat now!!! Hmm… I think i should just do that and i should control my diet and stop eating fried hokkien mee… had been eating alot of that recently… dun know why I got the craving for that suddenly… hahaha… oh yes, and no more ba kuas for me!!! Hai… so sad… i’m the type of person who puts on weight really easily… guess it’s in my genes… short and fat, that’s what i am!! hahaha…

i made a promise to myself that i shall never get to so fat since i lost 22kgs at the end of 2006… i put on so much weight after i gave birth to estelle and kept ballooning up till 70kgs!!! my god, i can’t believe it myself too… anyway, when i was going through the tough period of my life, i didn’t had much appetite and i was doing household chores everyday, including blading every night to master inline skating… that was how i lost my 22kgs, in 2 mths!!! hiaks!! yes, you dun need to spend tons of money at slimming centres to lose weight cos’ they dun work… i think my regime is better right??  Hmm, need to lose my 4 kgs… I’m fat!!! (need to keep telling myself this so that i will feel that i’m fat and then I will do something about it)

Missed Estelle… especially her laughter… Hmm… can’t wait for tomorrow morning… If i sleep earlier, I will get to see her sooner right??  Hmm, maybe i shall just do that so that time passes really quickly and get to see her le… 

What is Love? Chapter 5

YooHoo!! I just found one buddy to go learn scuba diving with me… Thanks Mr Ho!!! :P at least, now can say, 75% confirm going to learn at tioman le… now waiting for confirmation from the instructor… should be able to firm up the trip by next week… Oohhh, coming closer to completing one thing that i want to do le… actually it will be one of my accomplishment ba… esp. when it’s one of the more difficult task… like for Class 2B also… Hmm… Anyway, Happy Lunar New Year to everyone!!! sianz, the most boring day of the year because every shop is closed and the whole town is like a ghost town… Oh, and i got the recipe for the molten chocolate cake from a chocolate book at borders… Was kinda stupid just now… My brother asked me to take pictures of the recipe so dun have to buy the book… when I want to take the photo with my camera phone, somehow I can’t and it kept going to the camera settings page… i pressed the centre button but it just can’t capture… was so fed up and tried for like 10 minutes… finally i accidentally felt a button at the side of the camera and only with that, that I remembered that i have to press the bloody camera button located on the side of the phone… Damn, felt so bloody idiotic… ha ha ha!!! really stupid right??  Hmm… Okay, here is What is Love? Chapter 5

Chapter 5

                The incident happened when we were in Secondary 3.  I was selected to attend an Outward Bound course at Pulau Ubin but W* was not.  He then applied to go after being encouraged by me.  But before the students can attend the course, we were supposed to go for a medical checkup to ensure that we were physically fit as the activities were vigorous.

                I flunked the medical checkup.  The doctor informed that I had heart murmur and I was scheduled for a further test. W* passed his medical checkup and was certified fit to go for the course.  I was disappointed however I was glad that he could go and have fun with all our friends.  I missed him a lot when he was not around.  We did not even talk over the phone because he did not call me.  I thought that probably he was too busy to call or that there was no phone available at the camp.  Yes, I was naïve but I was young and this was my first relationship.  Anyway, the heart murmur was found to be functional and not an illness during the further test but it was too late for me to go for the course.

                He came back from the course and I noticed that he was cold and not like before.  I did not know what had happened during the five days when I was not around but I did not want to ask.  Not because I did not bother, but because I did not want to be too intrusive into his own personal life.  Most of my friends are guys and they come to me for advice on relationship even though I may not have the experience.  Maybe I am too ‘guy’ and they find it easy to talk to me, to get some advice.  Therefore, I know that men need their own personal space.

                W* drifted further away from me.  All the phone calls were made by me to him.  He never called me after he came back from camp.  With his coldness towards me, I suspected that something might have happened but could not guess what exactly it was.  During the period he treated me coldly, I lost my appetite and friends had been concerned about me.  However, I simply think that they know something too because they had never brought up the issue on why W* was cold to me. 

                About two weeks later, during recess time, I was about to have some noodles with my friends at the school canteen.  A close friend of mine then told me that she wanted to tell me something and asked me if I am ready to hear what she has to say.  I was so afraid that I wanted to tell her not to say it to me because I knew it.  I knew that something bad has happened which lead to W* being cold to me and the change in him.  But I told her to continue as I wanted to know the truth.  I did not want to drag this and live in a lie. 

                That was when I found out that W* hooked up with M*, a mutual friend of ours, during the course.  I was devastated.  I did not know what to do.  The moment I heard it from my friend, I cried in front of everyone at the canteen.  It was not like shouts or screams from me.  The tears rolled down my face and they would not stop.  My friends just kept quiet as they did not know what to say.  They knew how much I was in love with W* and for them to break the news to me, they had pondered over on whether to reveal the information to me. 

                To think that the two of them, one is a friend of mine and another, my boyfriend, actually betrayed me while I was not around.  How could they do this to me?  I never have the answer and probably the answer does not mean anything to me now.  I also heard that they were very intimate, kissing and touching each other in the tent, while away at the island.  I ran to the nearest toilet which was way across the school.  Everybody saw me with my tears but I had no way to control them.  The tears just kept rolling and rolling and rolling.  I felt stupid, helpless and lost. 

never stop learning in your lifetime

I learn new things everyday in my life… that is how you absorb the knowledge around you and the knowledge actually makes you a wiser person… so dun be ignorant to the things going around you because you will be missing out on things that might be fulfilling and enriching…

Ever since I got more time to myself, had been wanting to pick up new skills or should I say some of them are new hobbies..  for a start, I learnt how to do inline skating… I travelled on my own (for the first time and it’s scary to feel lost in foriegn places), well, not really on my own but I was alone during my plane trips and transits to NY… Hiaks… There are still so many things I want to do… I may be taking up scuba diving in Mar (hopefully it happens cos’ do not know now if I can get a buddy to learn with me)… I also want to take up Class 2B license… I want to learn how to make my favourite orgas cake… Hopefully get to do backpacking alone in Europe (this one got to do research and save up some money first and wait for Euros to fall, hiaks)…  oh ya, i also want to do my Masters, not in Psychology though.. would be a Masters in Social Sciences (counselling)… but that one is subjected to approval to my application for sponsorship…

So many things to do, so little time.. guess one step at a time… one thing at a time… Life is short and when you grow old, there are less things one can do due to age and condition of body etc…

Scuba diving is one thing that I did not think i would go learn… Even though water is my star sign element (I am an Aquarius), I think I’m cursed with it… I nearly drown, not once, but twice… It’s not really near-death experience but it’s the kind of feeling that you have flashes of memories in your head and the people you hope to see before you die flashed in your head that kinda stuff… believe me, it’s scary…

I remembered that I was about 7 years old and my uncle brought me and my bro to Big Splash (now defunct) at East Coast Park… We went to the artificial wave pool which was a huge pool and probably the deepest of the pool is about 2.5m… My uncle and bro went into the deeper part of the pool and I was left alone at the shallow part of pool…  at that time, I did not know how to swim… in fact, I only learnt how to swim when I was in Primary 6… Anyway, the pool was very crowded and I was kinda impressed with the waves so I decided to proceed further to the deeper part of the pool… As I was trodding in the water, i think i was swept by the waves and suddenly, I could not feel the bottom of pool… i panicked and gobbled some mouthfuls of water… I was practically struggling however no one came to help… I think the lifeguards did not even see me cos’ the pool was crowded… I drank so much water that I actually sinked to the bottom and I could feel the ground with my feet so I pushed myself up to gasp for air… I was coughing and could not breathe… i got to do the pushing up and down with my feet to gasp for air and to go back nearer to shore… During that short period of a few minutes, my mind was filled with my mum cos’ she was the closest or should i say, the most important person to me at that time… when i went back to shore, I collapsed there and was coughing out water… no one came to help (yes, it’s sad) probably no one knows… subsequently, my uncle and bro came back so i told them what happened…

Ever since that incident, i dun really dare to go to deeper waters even though I can swim… not really well but at least I can swim… that is y I never thought of learning scuba diving etc… The 2nd time which i nearly drowned was at Tioman… i was doing some snorkelling and i did not really know how to use the snorkels (everytime before you inhale through the mouth, you need to blow out the water in the tube, which i dun know)… i was about 150 metres away from shore and i sucked in water because i think the waves went over my snorkels… i choked on the water and was struggling for air… i managed to remove my snorkels however I took too much water and i could not even tread water… TingWei was there at the shore and I think he spotted me however he was quite a distance away… at that time, same thing again, flashbacks of my life and Tingwei was the last person that i wished to see… there were flashes of the future as what life could be if I were alive… the water just went into my lungs and i could not shout for help as i was choking on the bloody water… Thank God for sending an angel to me, I think… She saved my life… But it was kinda funny when I think back… Somehow a female Caucasian was beside me and she was treading water and she asked me ‘Do you need help?  Are you okay?’… She did not even hold me or support me and all she did was to ask… I am thinking ‘don’t I look like I’m drowning here?’.. i could not even reply her and I just grabbed onto her… while grabbing onto her, i tried to cough out all the water from my lungs and take my breath… a few minutes later, Tingwei came over and manage to take over from the stranger… I did not even have enough breaths to thank her… we struggled to shore and i just laid there, thinking that I could have been dead… or nearly died, if not for the angel… i did try to spot her on in the island after that incident, but i never saw her again… that was the only time I see her, in the water…

well, that was the 2 times that i nearly could not make it this far… I guess I tend to take more risks now probably because I am considered as single and only person to consider about is Estelle… one less person to consider so I guess more likely to take risks… it’s funny that I have enough courage to take an unmarked taxi in the States alone… and the driver was kinda shady because while i was deciding to take the official yellow taxi or bus from JFK airport to downtown manhattan, he was psst-ing to me from his car… Before I went into his taxi, I asked him if he could bring me to my destination, he said he could… without even asking him how much, i loaded my luggage and sat in the front passenger seat… Everyone said that I was crazy because you do not know whether that person is a psycho or not… anyway, i had it in my mind what to do if he were to do things out of the norm (like how to stab him with my key etc)… hiaks… at least I’m prepared right??  But it’s funny that I would even do that (to get into a shady car alone) because I know that previously I wouldn’t unless I dun really have a choice…

Well, so scuba diving is definitely for me (if I manage to get on the coming trip) since I love the marine life even though I am jinxed in water.. hahaha… I will be missing out alot if I am afraid of this and that isn’t it? 

I may never know if I dun try… Things I try may be a life changing experience for me so why not?  If not, life will be so boring isn’t it? 

Just sent Estelle back again

Just dropped Estelle back at my in-law’s place again… she did the same thing again, bawling and refusing to let me go… She kept holding very tightly onto my hand and kept saying ‘Mummy, dun go! Mummy, stay ok?’… Then she was crying out loud when i left… Hai, dun know when she will start to get used to it… sometimes she’s okay, sometimes she’s not… anyway, just hope she quickly grows up and probably she will not feel the seperation anxiety…

She had been a good girl this weekend… sometimes she’s not because she’s just in a naughty mood but she’s alright this week cos’ she finished her milk and her food, and she took her naps etc… Hee… Missed her already…

Many times when I talk to my friends, i told them that I actually brings Estelle to the movies… ha!  Those with kids will know what kind of challenge it is… I remembered the first movie that i took Estelle to watch is Ratatouille… I took her to the movies alone… Wah… I think she was only about one year and a half… But of course, it is not easy… I got to lug the heavy bag (filled with her milk and diapers), popcorn and drinks, plus her in tow… If she is good, she will walk herself… if she is not, i got to carry her… just imagine that… hiaks!.. and also, to let her sit still in the cinema is not easy… I got to be the narrator and whisper the story to her in her ears…  if she’s bored with the show, she will not sit still… so far, she had watched 4 movies at the theatre… Ratatouille, Shrek 3, Bee movie & Alvin and the Chipmunks… Hiaks… She wasn’t really interested with Shrek and Bee Movie and fortunately for those 2 movies, her daddy was there too… The last movie, Alvin and the Chipmunks, I had a hard time… Hmm… come to think of it, it’s really a funny incident…

i took estelle to catch the show at about 12 plus in the afternoon after her lunch… we were buying the tickets and the popcorn and the drinks… when we were going up the escalator to the cinemas, there were 3 life size chipmunks at the lobby area, promoting the film… She was so excited after seeing them and went over.. i ran after her and took out my camera… told her to pose with them however she was afraid of them but still want to take photos of them… i kept encouraging her to take photos with the chipmunks however, she’s afraid… After about 10 mins, the chipmunks left… Estelle just stood there and cried cos’ she did not manage to take photos with them… i told her to go after them but she just stood and refused to move… i wanted to carry her but she refused me to carry and kept crying ‘mummy, i want the chipmunks!’… I was desperated so i scooped her into my arms even though she was bawling and chased after the chipmunks… when we reached the 2nd floor, they were nowhere in sight… Estelle was still crying and it’s time for the show… i got to coaxed her and pretend that the chipmunks might be hiding in the cinema… she then reluctantly allowed me to carry her into the cinema…. We went to take our seat (always get the aisle seat if you have a toddler in tow) and she pointed to the curtains hanged against the wall… She said, ‘The chipmunks hiding in there?’… I replied ‘you go and look behind the curtains to see if they are there or not?’ She went over and lifted the curtains… she said ‘No..’ and I said, ‘they are not hiding there’… then she pointed to the curtains at the opposite side of the cinema hall and she wanted to go over… I nearly fainted… Ha ha ha!!! told her that they are not there then Estelle wanted to go out of the cinema to look for the chipmunks… followed her out and managed to coax her in again after about 15 mins.. by then the show started… fortunately the chipmunks were shown on the screen so I told her that the chipmunks are performing in the show le… hahaha!!! She then sat down with me to watch… The rest of the movie was alright besides going to the loo for her to pee about 3 times… other than that, it was alright…

Even though bringing her to the movies is a huge challenge everytime, it is fun… definitely will do it again but no upcoming cute cartoons… actually bringing her anywhere is a huge challenge… Hiaks!

What is Love? Chapter 4

Tot I post another chapter this week since the next chapter is a short one.. Anyway, something cropped up at work today… I’m in a department whereby nobody likes to do anything and everybody will push work to the others… I think it’s the culture here and I hate it… I mean, just do it lah… if it’s your job, just do it, what’s so difficult about it?  Even if it’s not my job, I will still do it if I can… what’s wrong with doing extra?  Though it may be a busier than if I just concentrate on my work, at least the work is not hang there halfway and later somebody will have to clear the shit right?  Damn it, just dun understand what they are thinking… actually maybe it’s not the department… I guess everywhere we go, there is definitely these type of ppl however, where I am right now, there is alot of them… NATO, no action, talk only… Hai.. what to do?  just suffer a bit more (1-2 years) and wait for posting out ba… Hiaks… It’s like I’m working as a middleman for my department and the rest of the organisation… Ppl will look for me even though that is not my job scope… but still, like what i always tell them, if i can do, I will do it for you, at least refer them to the right person since I do not have the necessary/required information… Okay, enough of the complaining… Following is ‘What is Love? Chapter 4′

Chapter 4

                After I professed my liking to W*, nicknamed Boon Boon, I had so much time on hand due to not talking on the phone with him after school.  I spent my time with another group of friends who was taking part in the same ECA as me which was the National Police Cadet Corps (NPCC).  We hanged around in school after school hours and after the school was locked up at 7pm, we hanged around at the fast food restaurants at Ang Mo Kio Central.  Sometimes, we go further to Orchard and other city areas.  Having a BGR was not in my list of To-Dos. 

                During the Secondary 2 streaming, I chose to go to Science Stream and was assigned to go to Class 3A (Science Stream).  W* chose to go to take Technical as a subject and was assigned to go to Class 3B.  At that time, I no longer felt as bad as the start and in fact, I felt better because we have less chance of meeting each other and feeling awkward. 

                In mid year of Secondary 3, a close friend of W* called me and talked to me.  By then, I think many people knew that I liked W*.  He was trying to pull the red string between the both of us but I did not pin any hopes on anything.  Out of nowhere, W* called me and we started talking again.  Subsequently, we dated after school.  He was very caring and loving to me during the time we were together.  He was the one whom I had my first kiss with.  It was during one of the first few dates.  We had met and he brought me to the church whereby he had his Boys’ Brigade Bagpipe training.  He played the bagpipe while we were there.  I was listening contently and he just stopped.  We looked at each other and he kissed me, on the lips!  I was elated!  I finally got a kiss from the guy whom I had liked for so long.  My heart was beating so fast and the blood rushed to my face upon the touch of his lips on mine.  I couldn’t sleep that night. 

                W* did not actually ask me to be his girlfriend but I kind of hinted to him as to where we were then.  Things were great when we were together as we were happy.  I am not sure if he was happy but we did not really have any quarrels and arguments because we have the same values and thoughts.  As his classroom was beside mine, there were times when he walked past my classroom or I walked past his.  And we would glance at each other just to catch a glimpse of the other.  Each time, my heart would flutter, knowing that I got the guy that I had waited for two years.  That my perseverance was paid off.  You can never get enough of the guy you want and the guy you love. 

Slowly, as time goes by, I started falling in love with him.  We became an item and known as a couple in school.  Every day, I went to his house after school and basically we spent all our time together after school.  For him to be with me and love me after two years, he would be true to me.  I guess I had been naïve and thought that things would be fine at least for a longer period.  But I was wrong.  Purely, bad luck again.