what’s up with men?

I would want to declare this at the onslaught of this blog entry because if not, men will think that I’m a men-basher or something like that..  Well, I’m not… I’m not a men-hating-women-dominating bitch… Hiaks!  Just felt that sometimes they can be damn irritating esp. those you dun know and they approach you to talk to you… Be it in person, or in MSN etc.. most of the time I would say ‘Do I know you?’ and if they identify themselves to be ppl i know, it’s fine with me cos’ I know them… However, if they dun identify themselves or I really dun know them, and if they carry on talking to me, I will just tell them to f— off… It’s not like as if I am interested to talk to them or what… I’m not referring to friends of friends… those are still alright because you are formally introduced… It’s those total strangers that really pisses me off… sometimes they dun approach, but they love to stare… usually I will ignore but if it gets really bad, like they keep staring non-stop, I will ask that fellow ‘do I know you?’ or if I am in the nasty mood, I will say to him ‘Kua si mi lan?’  Ha ha!

Sometimes if I am in the mood to be good, I will not ask them to f— off but try to be accomodating and talk to them… however, I will still be kinda nasty during the conversations and most of the time, they will be put off by me… Hiaks!  Yes, I’m a bad girl… hahaha… :P & I think I’m a very vulgar person… *hai*, have to change ah.. but then again, that will be so not-Ivy anymore right?  Hee…

I guess men are from Mars and women are from Venus… so I always ask this question, ‘What’s up with men?’ hahaha… i know some of you will tell me ‘it’s their Pr—s!’  Ha!  However, when it comes to male friends, they can talk to me easily cos’ they feel that I can relate to their feelings and problems.. Basically I think like a man… Hmm… My male friends will refer me as their brother instead of sister… Probably that is why I would say f— off in situations as I described above… hahaha!!! And come to think of it, I have more guy friends than gal friends… Hmm…

Anyway, most of you would be thinking in your mind that how come I’m always pissed off so easily?  Actually I’m not… :P  Do not know why I am so suay recently to meet strangers who pissed me off, so mentioned this topic today.. I think many women do encounter what I encounters however, they are too nice so they play along with the strangers to prevent hurting the feelings of the strangers… Which I think it’s damn weird cos’ why should you care since you dun know them and they are getting on your nerves? Hmm… Just a tot/advice to all you gal friends out there… you may never know who the guy is as he may be a psycho or a stalker… He may be normal however, it’s a huge risk to be getting yourself in such situations…

With that, I have another advice for women out there (saw article about molest in papers today), carry along something in your bag which you can use as a weapon… You dun need to carry a knife… improvise… make sure you have small vial of perfume in bag so that you can use this to spray into the perpetrator’s eyes… make sure he goes blind, Ha!  you can carry a slim pen/key in bag too so that you can use this to stab into his arm/leg to disable him… make sure he never use his arm or legs properly ever again, ha!  Wear stilettos (shoes with high and thin heels), jab them into the perpetrator’s feet or kick them at their groins… Hiaks!  Just make sure you know what to look for and use and what actions to do if you ever encounter some psychotic fellow… it could save your life and at least, get back on that stalker etc… remember to take a good look at their disgusting face and what they are wearing because you will need a detailed description to assist the police to nab the fellow… the problem with victims is that sometimes they get a shock over what happened and so could not recall the description/look of the perpetrator… so always be on your toes and be prepared to react… Hiaks!  just some advice which can be useful…

Then again, if nothing is up with the men, we wouldn’t have to resort to protecting ourselves… ha!  The question will always be : what’s up with men? 

am I sacarstic?

I think I am sacarstic… I can be very nasty or not so nasty… however, if someone (esp. those who are only acquaintances.. Merv, I’m not talking about you, i’m talking about someone else) gets on my nerves for no bloody reason, I will make sure they are the joke of the day to piss them off… Ha ha!  I believe that I have toned down since I was schooling because i know previously, i was very terrible.. and I believe that next time I will go to hell when i die… to get pleasure out of other’s misery… well, not so bad but my friends and I like to make fun of other ppl… actually, if those ppl do not mind, like they are very open-minded, then there is no problem… however, some ppl are just darn constipated as they do not have the humour… seriously, what we do are of no harm… it’s all out for the fun of it… I mean, I dun mind being the joke myself, at least everyone gets to laugh at me right?  Laughter is the best medicine!!! No matter how, you just got to inject some humour in all walks of life… if not, life would be so bloody boring & routined…

for those who knows me, I laugh really loudly and i can’t stop laughing once I start… Yes, I’m crazy but I just can’t control my laughter… many of my friends/colleagues who had been in meetings with me, knows that we always love to find something to laugh at because we kinda have special codes for different things so only certain ppl will know what we are laughing about.. but meetings will always be meetings and i’m expected to keep a stern face so when I can’t mask my laughter, I would excuse myself and go out of the meeting room… And laugh real loudly… and for those friends who can’t control their laughter too, will proceed after me and we will laugh together loudly outside the meeting room… and yes, we can be heard from outside.. ha ha ha!!! We are that bad… :P and we will only return to the meeting after we compose ourselves… boss would ask, what’s so funny?  Then we will reply ‘Nothing.’  Ha ha!

i’m the type of person who can laugh till I roll on the floor, literally.. I will have stomach cramps and i laugh till I dun have any voice left… i guess, it’s like the same as crying.. once i start, i can’t stop… so it’s always the opposites… because if you feel the lowest, you will definitely feel the highest… it’s that kind of principle… if you never been really sad, you will never know what is really happy.. so I’m kinda glad that i’m an emotional person because that’s what life is about.. if everything is smooth or things are taken really lightly, you will never understand what the hell life is… ha! though i’m glad that I’m an emotional person, however, there are always involuntary actions from me to prevent myself from being emotional, to detach myself from my feelings in a way, so that i wun be hurt… it’s ironic but well, life is that too, isn’t it? 

What is Love? Chapter 3

Tot I continue my story a day earlier, since I got so many chapters to post… Hmm… anyway, to those out there who have recommendations for warm chocolate cake/molten chocolate cake/’orgas’ chocolate cake (this is what i term it, Hee!) recommendations, pls let me know… because i have been in search for the best orgas cake… so far, I still think the one at bakerzin is the best!!! Last night went to Greenwood fish market to eat and they had something similar but it is nothing close to it lor… never even finish it… wah lao… dessert there sucks… my brother has the recipe however he cannot master it… the first time I had it (it was good!) was at ’society cafe’ (where my bro used to work) near to boat quay however, now defunct liao… became Qbar… maybe I should get the recipe from him and try it myself… since i got the passion to find the best one, maybe I will have the passion to make the best one… hahaha… Hmm… should try I guess… anyway, here’s the 3rd chapter of my story ‘What is Love?’

Haha… I’m not kidding about the twenty over suitors in the period of 4 years ya… :P total about 20 lah… Hiaks! dun think I exaggerate because if you even it out, it’s about 5 per year… so it’s still okay… I think there are girls in school who had like more than 50 suitors… whahaha… so I average score nia…

Chapter 3

                W* was just sitting about 1 seat away from me, also somewhere at the back of the classroom.  And on the first day of school, we had some orientation games to play in the school hall and he was my partner.  We held hands as we were playing the three-legged race. I cannot really describe the feeling of holding hands with a guy for the first time in my life, and it was with a guy I am interested in.  I think I blushed but nobody noticed as I was just acting cool and normal about it.

                W* was one of the guys who were popular in school for his good looks.  As I did not voice out my interest in him to my close friends, nobody knew about how I felt about him.  Girls will always be girls.  We had girl talk all the time, during recess time, break time, and even lesson time.  R* was one of my closest friends during secondary school and she was one of the popular girls in school for her good looks.  Our group consisting of a few girls and boys were quite prominent in our school because we were loud and brash and we were having fun all the time.  Because of overwhelming popularity in school, we had some troubles with the gangsters.  But that was no problem for us because we were street-smart being in a notorious school.  What we did was to go straight to the principal’s office to report.  Even if the trouble was with girls from the other schools, we still continued to report on their undesirable actions of asking us out for a fight.  I still feel that they are stupid to be envious of our group for being popular and well-liked.

                W* was one of my groupies until something happened.  During one of the girl talks I have with my girlfriends, R* revealed that she was having a crush on him and that she likes him.  I just kept my mouth shut about my feelings and tried to pull them together as I was close friends with W* too.  I did not think about myself because I thought that I can never be compared to pretty R*.  There are times when I felt jealous to see them together, because I myself liked him, I still carried on trying to make opportunities for them to be alone.  It was difficult but hey, they are my best friends in school.  I talked to W* practically every day on the phone after school and during our conversations; I promoted R* to him, to be the middleman in a way. 

                Eventually they did not get together and till now, I do not know the reason why.  Maybe they did get together, but probably they didn’t let me know.  But at the end of Secondary 1, after R* and W* did not get together, I revealed to W* that I liked him subtly.  That was the last time we spoke until we were in Secondary 3. He shunned me during and after school.  He did not say that he did not like me or whatsoever.  But I felt that he hated me for liking him. We spend our secondary 2 without talking to each other even though we were in the same class. 

                During Secondary 1 and 2, I had a few suitors.  What I thought was not that I am pretty, but because the guys are just curious about girls as we were in our puberty years with our hormones bursting in our developing bodies.  But because I still liked W*, I rejected all of their advances.  Some of them, who were my friends, became my enemies because I did not give them a chance at all.  It carried on to Secondary 3 when I was still rejecting my suitors’ advances because I still prefer W*. 

                Most of my suitors were very disappointed when I rejected them.  Some screamed at me, some smashed the gifts that I refused to accept, some kept quiet, and some spread rumors about me.  The list goes on.  But all of them, after some time of calming down, become friends with me again.  I was quite popular in school and throughout my four years in secondary school, I think I have about twenty over suitors from different levels and classes.  I do not know if I lead any one of them on, but I know that I had treated them as friends only.  They might have gotten the wrong idea and when I sensed that they treated me with extra care, I would tell them straight in the face that I do not like them in the romantic way and that it is impossible to have BGR with them. 

I am a straight forward and frank person and I do not pretend or act that I like or not like someone.  Once I do not like your face, I will tell you straight in the face.  If I do not agree with my friends’ behavior, I will tell them straight in the face.  But I believed that many of my friends respect me and takes me as their leader.  Therefore, what I tell them, they will more or less listen to me.  Frankly speaking, I think I am more of a follower than a leader.

was too tired last night

Hiaks! continuation from last night… Did not really finish writing how we dealt with Estelle cos’ too tired and could not really see through my tears… Hmm..

Anyway, she was bawling and refused to let me go so I agreed to sit in the car and her Daddy will drive around and let her sleep with me still around.. After she fall asleep, then I will alight the car… this is usually what we do if she refuses to let me go.. However, it really depends on her mood… sometimes she will just go really happily and not even feel upset from seperation… but sometimes, she will behave like what she did last night…

Actually I feel bad whenever i got to do that because I know how she feels… it’s simple… lt’s like you fall asleep knowing that someone you love is beside you however, when you open your eyes, the person is not there… it can be quite a scary feeling because you do not know what happened to the person, whether you are going to see the person again, that kinda feeling… to me, every weekend with her is so precious, to be able to see her fall asleep beside me and then to hear her when she awakes in the morning… just me and her lying there on the bed… most of the time, I will be the one who falls asleep first and the one who wakes up later… she will sing to herself and if i still dun wake up, she will shout ‘MUMMY, WAKE UP!’.. hahaha.. really cute… think she was crying again this morning when she woke up… probably she was feeling this way ba…

I guess I will just have to get used to it… get used to seeing disappointment on her face (of course only for those things that I can’t fulfil)… However, for any other things, I will try my best not to disappoint her… I do not know if I’m a good mother but I know I will try my best… And I guess I will only know whether I’m a good mother when Estelle grows up… Hmm… Well, for one thing, she wouldn’t complain, for sure, about having such a pretty mama… hahaha… that’s what my friends call me… Pretty mama?  Hmm… Provided I dun balloon up again in the future… Hiaks… I think when it comes to bringing up children, i would treat them more like friends so that communication will flow… what was our problem when we were growing up is because we could not communicate to our parents because we fear them rather than treat them as someone we can confide in… i think that was during our generation…  and probably that’s why relationships between parents and children are not so close compared to the modern parent-child relationship now… at this time, many kids treat their parents as if they are brothers/sisters however, there is a setback with regards to respect… pros and cons for both but I think I’m more comfortable with the modern parent-child relationship… I think I would want to be there to listen to Estelle and to give her advice when she needs it rather than for her to go look for her friends (which was what we did when we were young.. first person to look for is not mother/father, first person is friends, hahaha, the parents are always the last to know)…

Wah, birthday wishes are still coming in… I think this year is the year which I received the most wishes de… Is it because of my blog?  (eh, i did not write my blog to hint you guys to do more for my birthday next year or what… I think it’s a surprise for me this year liao lor) I dun know (it could be cos’ I mentioned my birthdate in my blog) but like I said, I realise I got many blog fans out there… whahaha… can’t believe it… it’s just mundane things about my life isn’t it… or is it my story that I wrote?  think I can write a book liao lor… whahaha… Oh, I mentioned ‘this is me - raw and uncut’ in last night’s entry… come to think to it, it sounds like porn leh… later get banned for this phrase… Hiaks! think better take that back… Hmm… Ok, probably use this phrase instead… ‘This is me - the real me’… hahaha.. sounds more professional right?  hahaha… can’t stop myself from laughing…

Birthday weekend

Firstly, I would like to thank all those friends, who had wished me best wishes for my birthday even though it was at unearthly hours like 4am in the morning… hahaha… but still, thanks for the thought… Appreciate it… Oh, and I found out that I actually got blog fans ah??!!! whahaha… so funny… I can’t really believe it..  Well, this is me, raw and uncut… hahaha….

Just finishing updating and uploading pics from camera to laptop and then laptop to friendster etc… can go take a look at a recent photo of Estelle too…

26th Feb was Estelle’s bf, Leroy’s birthday… So he had a celebration over at his place… Took Estelle over and she had some fun and was really shagged out by mid afternoon… They look really cute and innocent together… And yes, they do quarrel as a couple too… when it comes to fighting over toys… hahaha… But can see that Leroy is more giving than Estelle… maybe because it is natural for a guy to give in to a girl… you can even see this in kids.. however, it’s different when it comes to adults… too much power struggle, hiaks!  it’s not that women are the weaker sex, however, women are meant to be pampered right? ; ) hiaks! Anyway, she had a great time and we took many pictures too..

27th Jan is my birthday… when I woke up (apparently awoken by Estelle singing her songs in the morning), i asked her whose birthday it is today and she said Leroy’s birthday however, i told her that was yesterday and then she said Mummy’s birthday.. hahaha… then I asked her how come she din sing birthday song to me.. so we sang it together and she got it right!!! she sang happy birthday to Mummy!.. hahaha.. the feeling was so good.. to have your children sing happy birthday to you for the first time… aiyoh, so touched leh… Hope that i can get to hear her sing birthday song to me every year.. Hmm…

Collected my favorite cake in the afternoon…  Estelle being as naughty as she is, insisted that i carry her even though i’m carrying the cake and some other items we bought… Hai… Moreover I think she is growing and weigh much heavier… either that, or i think i haven’t been excercising.. hahaha..

In the evening, my brother cooked a sumptuous dinner for the whole family… could see that he was quite stressed about it, as to whether it was good food or not.. however, i think what the family think is, as long put in thought and effort in preparing can le lor… doesn’t need to be exceptionally good like those in restaurants or whatever, of course, cannot be not edible also lah.. but can eat, taste alright, means pass with flying colours le… i mean, all of us know that cooking for ppl takes alot of effort and care lor… and if ppl dun appreciate it, it really hurts alot to the person who cooked lor… afterall, the cook put in all the effort right?  Well, for me, my cooking skills normal nia… some say not nice, some say nice… guess nice is a very subjective word ba… hahaha.. but i know what i cook is edible and acceptable and definitely will not let ppl have loose stools.. hahaha… maybe next time, I will cook for the family, but then it’s not a rare occasion cos’ previously cook before, so not as special as what my bro did this evening.. hahaha…

After that, we cut the cake and Estelle was really happy to share blowing the candles with me and cutting the cake with me.. think she enjoyed herself this weekend.. then it was time for her to go over to her Daddy’s place and i guess she had too much fun till she wasn’t ready to leave so she was crying and asking me to sit in the car too… told her that I can’t and that I have to go to work (the usual excuse to prevent her from kicking up a big fuss) but she still refused to sit in her car seat, hanging onto me like a koala bear to a tree.. it was kinda difficult for me too, to see her bawling like that and crying for me.. she was like saying ‘mummy, you sit in car too?’ and ‘you want to go daddy house oso?’… that kinda things… really breaks your heart when you know that you can’t give her the answers she wants… everytime she will ask all these questions when she goes somewhere… cos’ she knows that when Daddy is around, Mummy will not be around.. when Mummy is around, Daddy will not be around… and I think she’s still hoping that she will get best of both worlds but we know that that will never be happening.. just that probably she’s still too young to understand so we are using some other excuses to let her understand that only either Daddy or Mummy is around (like either of us needs to work).. hopefully she grows up really fast and it would be easier for her to understand… at least now she knows Daddy has his place and Mummy has her place… 

When things happened, this is always the hardest part.. The kids… How do you expect them to choose?  or feel?  afterall, both Daddy and Mummy are their parents right?  Especially in cases like mine, things just didn’t work out and things turned for the worst before anything can be resolved… what i think Estelle may feel when she grows up would be, ‘if you guys can’t even work out things between yourselves, then why in the first place have me?’… Just hope that she dun think things this way… i would tell her that she was conceived when we were deeply in love (that’s the truth, at least on my part) with each other so at least she will not feel that she was unwanted… Anyway, things happened so we will try our best to make things as smooth as it can be for her… and not be in a tussle between the parents… i think this is the only thing we can do for her now…

Better stop now… if not, i would be the one bawling… always can’t control my tears when i talk about Estelle…

so touched last night!!!

My colleagues celebrated my birthday last night at Wala-wala, Holland Village.. To those who knows that I drink alot, no worries, I did not drink much cos’ got to work the next day… It was relax drinking last night… Hiaks… let me count my alcohol intake last night… 3 Kilkennys, 1 tequila shot, 2 glass of long island tea… Not too bad.

Actually my colleague, Robson, asked me whether want to go out to chill since it’s been a long time since we chilled and so asked the rest to join and use my birthday as an excuse for them to turn up… Hahaha..  So did not expect them to buy a cake for me… So sweet hor… somemore, my favorite cake leh!!!! STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE from bakerzin!!! Robson had been reading my blog religiously ba, so he thinks I kinda pathetic as to, nobody buys cake for me anymore and I got to resort buying my own cake… anyway, I had ordered the same cake last week for my actual day celebration with my family le… hahaha… But still, last night the cake thingie, was really a surprise and I appreciate it alot.. Thanks Rob!! and also to the rest who had turned up last night, it was fun even though there was an irritating person… But she lighten up the mood and gave us some topic to talk about… hiaks!!

There will always be this kind of person whereby they meet you for the first time or first few times and then they treat you as if you are their best friends… and for someone like me who is not so sociable with regards to strangers, I find it very hard for me to like her… i really wanted to say it straight in her face ‘I dun think i know you so well, so dun act as if we are lor’… whahaha… I damn bitchy right?  But then, she’s a friend of mine so cannot be so evil… hahaha… The only way to counter this behavior from this type of over friendly ppl is to be like them.. You got to be even friendlier than them so they will think that they lost to you and they keep quiet liao lor… whahaha… or be louder than them but well, weren’t in the mood to be so bitchy last night so did not try to put her off… whahaha…

Last night was relax drinking however, I think one of my colleagues, Mervin, was kinda drunk, i guess… He looks okay however, his messages to some of us after we left were weird… When we called him to check whether he was alright, he just went blabbering and we did not know what the hell he was talking about so we just ask him to go home to sleep… whahaha… his messages has no relations at all however, through his messages, could see that he must be quite stressed with work… Hiaks!  It was weird enough with the girl who joined us for the evening… then come Mervin’s stunt… hiaks!! Maybe last night is Thursday, all the weird things happen on Thursday night right?  Hee…

Yay, will be seeing Estelle tonight… Hmm.. This weekend very packed with activities… tomorrow it’s Estelle’s boyfriend, Leroy’s birthday… so there’s a party over at his place… Hahaha… Even though Estelle is only 2 years old, yes, she has a boyfriend… they were matchmade while in their Mummys’ bellies… hiaks… I will post their cute pics after I take photos at the party… Hee, they look really cute when together… I remembered a comment from a friend about Estelle’s name… He said that with a name like that, hoardes of guys will be after her… hahaha… Actually her name is a french name and it means ’star’… anyway, there is a reason why I choose her name to be Estelle, other than it’s unique, i think i mentioned it in my story… Hmm…

What Is Love? Chapter 2

Okay, promised you guys with my story.. Here’s Chapter 2… I got about 54 chapters so that would last a year… whahaha… maybe for some parts may speed up abit… ohya, just to update, I just got a new hairstyle yesterday… hahaha… so funny.. will post my pic soon… :P Oh, and I did not mention names in the story to give some privacy to the ppl involved.  Unless nothing is said much about my friends, I will then mention their real names ya?  Hee… however, those friends who knows me would probably know who are the ones with the annoynomous alphabets… hiaks!! 

Chapter 2

I was seven years old when the divorce was final.  And it was time I go to primary school.  My mother wanted to enroll me in a few schools however was rejected.  I guess that’s bad luck again.  Finally, because a few of my cousins went to this primary school, I was accepted at St Margaret’s Primary School.  That was like the fourth or fifth school that we had tried to enroll in.

School was fun.  I was popular and had lots of friends.  I was nominated as class monitor for the first few years.  Subsequently I was nominated to be a prefect when I was in Primary 4.  During my primary school years which spans from 1986 to 1991, I did not have any boy-girl relationship (BGR) because my school was an all girls’ school. Maybe that is the reason why during that time, I did not have any worries or problems.  It was just fun at school with my girlfriends and PSLE.

I nearly had a chance to go to a gifted school as I had passed the first rounds of tests during Primary 4.  However, during the second rounds, I think I failed because I wasn’t chosen.  But well, I guess I would be better off at where I was as my friends were all back here.  Even though I have some close friends from primary school, I lost contact with them when I went to secondary school which is one of the colorful periods of my life.    

I did not have any problems with my self-confidence and self-esteem during primary school though I envied some of my friends who carried branded bags and wore branded shoes.  And I did not have any issue with weight problem but all along, I had been on the plump side since I was a baby.  However, the extra weight melted away easily when I reached puberty and I became prettier?  Hmm, that’s a thought.  Oh, but I have major problems with my hair.  As my hair texture is rough and thick, it was very difficult to manage the hair and I had bad hair days every day so the simplest and fastest solution was to tie up my hair.

PLSE was not a breeze to me.  I thought that it was easy but my results sucks big time.  I have As for all my 4 subjects but my total score was just 222.  There were a total of 6 choices for the secondary schools and I did not managed to get into even one.  Instead I was kicked to a neighbourhood school which was located just across where I lived.  Bowen Secondary School.  one of the notiorious schools in Ang Mo Kio.  There were a few notorious schools, schools that were well-known not because of their students doing well at exams but well-known for the gangsters they have in school, including those students who went to Boys’ or Girls’ Home and then back to school.

I cried when I opened the letter from Ministry of Education (MOE).  To see my posting to a extremely notorious and lousy school, I hated myself.  For not studying and doing well for my PSLE.  But life goes on and even with a score of 222 for PSLE, I was in the first class of the express stream.  At that time, I did not think that it was a mixed school with male and female students.  I was too engrossed in being disappointed for not getting the choice of my school.

And soon, the first day of school came.  I went to school by foot for the next four years from 1992 to 1995 and this helps in spending less of my mother’s money for transport.  At that time, I was 13 years old and it was year 1992.  I was posted to Class 1A.  The first thing you do when you enter the classroom on the first day of school was, to secure your seat in the classroom.  And the best seats were at the end of the classroom because the teacher never notices those at the back.  I managed to get one of the back seats in the classroom.  And during the first day, I managed to make friends with one third of the class.  They were those who were sitting around me and in the vicinity of my seat.

Among those friends I made, I noticed someone special.  Maybe notice may not be the right word to use but it was the first time I experienced those feelings.  The feeling of being attracted to a person from the opposite sex.  His name is W*.  He is so cute and has small beady eyes and when he smiles, you can’t see his eyes.  At the time when I was in school, they use the hanyu pinyin name instead of the dialect name.  But I understand that the system had been changed and dialect name is now used instead.  But anyway, back to the topic of the first person whom I fell in love with.

Closure

Met up with Tingwei (my hubby) last night to discuss about things.. finally came to compromise for all things… and it took so much time, money, effort & hurt feelings to come to all these when it could have been so much easier if we were to control our anger at the first place… maybe everything could have been settled easily and quickly way back then… probably we let anger ruled out minds and we decided to hurt each other to get back at the other… I do not know about him but I knew I stopped feeling angry about what had happened in the past when I gave him up… in fact, i hate to fight with him… and i dun intend to… it became so bad that everytime I see him, i get headaches… Hiaks… because we could not come to a compromise… but now we can, so hopefully, next time i see him, i dun get headache… Ha!

I guess he’s still quite affected by the whole thing… especially towards Estelle… My advice to him is to move on and live life happily, for the sake of Estelle… doesn’t matter what happened because it had happened and it’s over… it’s the future that matters and what we could at least do for Estelle is to give the best for her… i mean, i’m sorry that things did not work out between us but i know both of us tried… i guess life just doesn’t always go the way you want it to go… that’s y it’s life right? 

maybe ppl will think that y am i taking all these so easily… y it seems like it doesn’t matter to me… actually it does, but i chose to face the reality and not dwell on matters which had happened… what’s the point when you keep thinking about what had happened?  there is no way of turning back time or undoing things done… i guess that was what i keep telling myself when i was pulling myself up… life is really short to be suffering in self-pity… i did spend some time suffering in self-pity but there is no one who can help you except for yourself… it’s not easy but when there’s a will, there’s a way… and learn what you can do better next time… life is about falling down all the time but also getting back on your feet again right?  even though we hate the falling down part… hiaks…

i hope that he can live happily from now onwards for the sake of Estelle… I dun think Estelle would want to see her dad unhappy… Tingwei, you can do it de lor… Jia you!! Hope the next time i see you, there will be a smile on your face… remember that we will always tell the same story to Estelle, that things just din work out between us however, both of us still love her very much…

Think it’s finally a closure and a chapter closed, on both sides… I’m happy, really happy that Estelle has a great Dad and Mum…

realisation

Let me tell you guys a really funny story… Based on a true story…

Last Christmas, Ivy thought of having christmas dinner together with the whole family..  Before she asked what the other family members were preparing for dinner, she saw some uncooked food the previous night so she thought that there should be a small family gathering/party during Christmas eve.. And since she was working and could not prepare any food in time, she thought of getting a christmas cake for the family… therefore, she messaged her brother, Ivan, about what the others were cooking i.e. Ivan and mum cooking what and also asked him if anyone getting a cake… if not, Ivy will get it… reply received from him was Mum is buying spring chicken for dinner and no one buying cake, so Ivy can buy the cake… Okay, so Ivy proceeded to buy the cake, thinking that Ivan will be preparing the rest of the uncooked food in fridge…

So Ivy bought the cake back home and waited for dinner.. had a short nap and woke up at 6pm… however, no one is cooking anything and Ivan was not even home yet… Not long after, Mum came and ask Ivy if want to have dinner… So Ivy was kinda confused and told mum that Ivan is cooking right?  Mum said ‘No… He is only cooking for himself and gf… if want, he say wait for him to come back and he will cook the sauce when he comes back’… i was like dumbfounded… speechless… astounded… unbelievable… *with the mouth open* OMG, how lame can he get!!! So Mum brought out the spring chixs and had the dinner… Ivy still can’t believe that Ivan can be so selfish.. cook for himself nia… wah lao… kinda pissed because if he is not cooking, Ivy would have prepared dinner… After all, it’s CHRISTMAS right?  it’s not Christmas everyday!!! *pengz*…  So Ivy told Mum after dinner ‘let’s not wait and cut the cake and when he comes back, tell him that he can have the leftovers of cake’… Hiaks… but of course, as usual, Ivy is not that evil or cruel…

Anyway, for those who are smart enough and those who knows me and my real blood related brother… Yes, that happened to me.. Can you guys believe that???!!! When he came back, I was like bitching the whole thing to him saying how can he actually cook for himself and expect us to watch him eat??? And yes, we had been disturbing him about the whole thing since then and he feels guilty… damn guilty… that is why today I received a heart-warming message from him… *he finally got the bloody idea*

Message from him was ‘Hey, you have any programmes on sun evening? cos planning to cook for you and the family on your birthday… If it’s ok with you, then i go look for ingredients availability liao..’ Wah, so touched… i think he must have felt so guilty to make it up now… or at least stop us from disturbing him… hiaks… when i received his message today, i was again like dumbfounded… speechless… astounded… unbelievable… HAHAHA… then i told him, i think i must go buy 4D… sure kena first prize if i know what number to buy… whahaha… maybe i buy my birthdate… whahaha… cannot take it so tot i mention it in my blog… i am sure most of you will also be feeling the same as me, dumbfounded… speechless… astounded… unbelievable… hahaha…

And to you, my big brother, i know you read my blogs cos you mentioned it the other time… and thanks for getting the signal that we (the whole family) think you are STINGY!!!! Hiaks… and thanks in advance for the wonderful dinner that you are going to whip up on sunday evening… can’t wait… hiaks… put your skills to use hor… ever since you graduated from SHATEC, you had never cooked anything for the family… or should i say, ever since you were born, you had never cooked anything for the family… hahaha… oh yes, sometimes we ask you for dinner, you can always join us… it’s okay, we dun have to go dutch de… if we do have dinners or lunches often, we can take turns to pay… no problem… and dun worry lah, go out with me not always go expensive places to eat one… Hee…

Okay okay, moral of the story… i) dun assume that the rest of the family are going to cook and have dinner together during Christmas… got to ask explicitly ‘hey, are you going to cook FOR US tonight on Christmas eve?’ or ‘What are you cooking for the FAMILY on Christmas eve?’ ii) even if the answer is positive, just cook something in case somebody only cooks for HIMSELF.. hahaha… i always laugh when i think about this… kinda pissed but really funny also…

stop to smell the roses

I did my swim today and i got the whole pool to myself!!! though at the start, i needed to share the pool with others but still i got my own lane and afterwhich, the whole pool to myself and the feeling is so great… the feeling of only hearing your own breathing out under the water, with the air bubbling out onto the surface of water… when out of the water to take in air, you could hear your own gentle splashing of water from the top of head to the water surface… you could see the ripples of water made by your own strokes… wah, that kind of feeling is only felt if you can have the chance to get the whole pool to yourself… Hiaks… guess many of you will say i am exaggerating again however, if you all are like me, slow down your pace and smell the roses, probably you will experience what i experience with my senses…

I dun know if i’m ultra sensitive but ppl say i am, especially with my senses… ppl say I crazy when i say i will orgas if i eat desserts… not all desserts though… but i can’t go wrong with liquid chocolate.. hiaks.. warm chocolate cake from Bakerzin… wah, so long din eat le… that one, eat already confirm will orgas… the liquid chocolate will ooze out from the sponge cake when you cut it with the fork… you mixed the chocolate with the cake and some of the candied orange at the bottom… once in mouth, the tastes just explodes in your mouth… hiaks.. sweet/bitter chocolate plus the soft spongey feel of cake (with a bit hard as it is crusted on the surface of cake) plus the tangy taste of the candied orange… wah lao eh… so far the best chocolate cake lor.. tried a few other similar molten chocolate cake however, none as good as bakerzin… Hee… think already also cannot take it.. :P

Oh, then there is another dish also… the other time i describe it to my ex colleagues and then they say i describe until like really will orgas when eating the dish… it’s actually a kind of dim sum at Tung Lok Restaurant… I do not know if they still serve it now because the last time i brought my ex colleagues there, they no longer served it… my ex colleagues were like so disappointed cos’ they could not eat the food that was described orgasmic by me… whahaha… its the dumpling served with soup… the dumplings are made of shrimp and pork and fried… however, the dumplings should be breaded so the surface is very crispy and soft while inside, it’s fillings are moist… you cannot eat it alone crispy because it will not taste good.. you will have to dip it in the soup and then eat it.. by dipping the dumpling in the soup, the crispy surface will absorb the soup and once you bite into the dumpling, the crisp will then melt in your mouth… wah lao eh… best dim sum i have eaten in my whole life… whahaha… but too bad, no more le…

life is short and life is full of things to be appreciated… sometimes you walk too fast, you kinda forgotten they existed… so my advice will be slow down or just stop, and look around you, you will tend to appreciate things more when you see them clearly… applies to the ppl around you too… things/events/ppl/nature…

or maybe i’m just too sensitive… hiaks… but i love it.. the way i’m able to enjoy the things around me… i believe all can enjoy like how i do… with a bit of practice, you will lor… take your time to do things… even looking at the stars… dun just spend a few minutes just looking into the sky… spend an hour.. look at the stars and beyond… all stars twinkle for those who still do not know it… and they twinkle and shine like diamonds..  can be a mesmerizing sight…

and when it snows… and you look up into the sky… the feeling is just so good… it’s cold and chilly… however, when the snowflakes fall onto your skin and face, they kinda slowly melts away and when they melt, you could feel the warmth that melts the snow even though its so freaking cold… the wind is chilly and even the breath that you breathe out is cold… the snowflakes are just falling all over and blowing in the wind… white against the dark background… wah… it’s like they are dancing in the wind… you guys should try it sometime.. of course if snow storm, then it’s different feeling liao lah… whahaha

but seriously, take my advice, stop to smell the roses…

feeling of loneliness again

Estelle went over to her Daddy’s place le… so i’m alone again… not going out even though it’s a Saturday night… Hiaks… Yup, no life… well, i guess my friends will automatically know that weekends are for Estelle so they will almost never ask me out on weekends… Estelle is well again and i was so happy when i see her solid shit cos’ she got no more diareoha le… whahaha…

oh man.. another 8 days before i hit 29… the more i think of it, the more i loathe it… birthdays were never the same as before… i mean, everyone enjoys birthday before 21 because you are so waiting to turn officially into an adult… but after that, you hope you never blow an extra candle on the cake… hiaks!!! was hoping to have a quiet celebration with Estelle this year… just a simple one… dun know if some friends have anything in stall for me… well, usually my birthdays are quiet, usually spent it with ppl who are close to me or with loved ones… this year, definitely with estelle on actual day… maybe a day after with someone dear ba… Hiaks!! dun get the wrong idea ya… someone dear can be a close friend also… hahaha…

and every year (come to think of it, it’s kinda sad)… i had to get my own cake, maybe i too choosey or what lah.. but well, at least i get to eat the cake i like ya?  Hee… nobody gets cake for me but i get cake for them… like i said, maybe i am always the initiator so i’m always the one who does all the things… Hmm.. guess this year the same also… oh ya, reminded myself that i got to go order my cake online soon… bakerzin’s strawberry shortcake!!! Yummies!!! maybe can bring Estelle go shopping first before collecting cake on next sunday… then can buy myself a birthday present… hiaks… no no no, cannot spend liao… must save money, had been spending alot since last June… :P then somemore CNY coming!! shit, got to spend money for red packets.. sianz..

Hmm… CNY again… the most boring days of the year… all shops close on first and second day.. practically cant do anything except for visiting… and catching movies… well, will update on CNY when it actually arrives… and also updates on how i spend my birthday after next week… can’t wait to just get it over and done with.. 29 years old… damn i’m old!

actually tot of going to HK end of feb however, not going le.. maybe end of this year or next year ba… dun know, see how… wanted to go overseas to relax for a while but then got no one to go with… go alone though can be very challenging and fun and exciting but can be quite boring oso cos’ no one to talk to and have fun with… maybe planning for another NY trip in 2009 or 2010… hiaks!!! NY here i come, AGAIN!!! well, see how lor… linked up with a friend who will be studying at new jersey… Serene no longer in NY, she in HK that was y i was thinking of going to HK… hmm.. not anytime soon ba… guess she is busy preparing for her wedding this year too… better dun disturb her… was thinking mayb go Koh Samui… the other time i ask my bro, but then think again… funny leh, the place is romantic so must go with loved one right? go with brother, like waste the money… whahaha…

tomorrow is sunday and i got the whole bloody day to spend by myself… i think i will go swim my 40 laps again tomorrow then drop by at AMK to collect a present for a friend then can send in some done cross-stitch for framing (Estelle’s) then buy new cloth to sew somemore for her… was thinking of sewing one every year for her birthday lor.. with the year stitch below for each piece… and yes, i do cross-stitch… i’m not just all about roughing it out like a tomboy… or should i go sun-tanning… Hmm, think i go swimming… excercise… but not going to hougang swimming pool liao… last week i went, wah lao eh, so many ppl… think i go to old pa and confirm i can have the whole pool to myself… hiaks… shit, my left speaker on my stupid laptop is spoilt… damn… it’s not even one year old… think got to go send for repair… i think it went crazy, sometimes got sound, sometimes no sound… dun know what’s wrong oso… TOSHIBA laptop LOUSY!!!

bringing the issue back of loneliness again… well, i’m a person who fears lonliness… the quietness of stillness will drive me crazy… so i need at least some sound or noise to keep me sane… i feel damn uncomfortable when i’m alone, with no one around me… with no one to talk to… and usually i get this strong feeling of loneliness after every breakup… just feel the emptiness in my heart… but this loneliness not so bad le… cos’ time heals… the emptiness in my heart had been filling up by Estelle, work, friends, likes/hobbies etc… new found excitments in life to fill up the void… it’s good right?  Hee… once i’m used to doing things alone, should not feel this loneliness so much le… kinda getting used of doing things by myself… had a hard time previously (end of 2006), had to go drinking every night with friends to fill up the void and to numb the sadness… yes, it was that bad… well, i’m over that phrase (thank God!)… now, go drinking is for the fun of it and not to numb the feelings… seldom go partying nowadays oso… okay… enough of my thoughts on blog le… going to play some games before zzz..

waiting - 180108

Man, this is boring.. At a work forum.. Fell asleep.. So tot i write sthg in my pda n then transfer it 2 my blog e next time i surf e net.. Hiaks! Its times like this when yr mind drifts away since e environment is so boring.. Had 2 sit thru another 6 hrs.. What the hell..
Was having this thought about waiting.. I was waiting 4 a fren 4 dinner last nite so i was thinking everyone spends half of their lifetime waiting, waiting for frens 2 meet up at gathering, waiting for the bus/train/cab, waiting for e meeting 2 start (like wat im doing nw, waiting 4 e next part of forum 2 start), waiting 4 that special someone 2 come by… But do they?  U tot they did but sometimes its jus an illusion.. Hw do u know tt he/she is THE ONE?
My girlfrens used 2 ask me hw do i know tt he’s e one? N i used 2 tell them, u jus noe it, by feeling.. But i dun think so nw.. Even if u feel tt he/she is THE ONE, you may b wrong.. So it’s kinda scary.. There’s no such thing like THE ONE, no such thing like fairy tales or shd i say ‘happily ever after’.. It’s hw u work 2gether as a couple in e relationship, 2 compromise n accept each other’s limitations.. And it’s a gamble by choosing e one 4 a relationship.. One can b blinded by love.. So nw when ppl ask me hw u know he/she is THE ONE?  I wil tell them to wake up their idea.. N open their eyes big big.. N do they dare 2 take e gamble cos ppl wil change.. Cos if they do nt dare 2 take e risk, then dun.. So like what i always say in my story which i wil post 1 chapter every week, i am jus pure bad luck when it comes 2 love..
But it’s alright.. I learn from my experiences.. Nw i got 2 open my eyes big big n really consider if i were 2 take e plunge again.. I dun noe if i wil again ie 2 get married again.. Once bitten twice shy.. Hwever i think most probably i wil cos i really wish 2 give estelle a sibling.. At least she wil hv some sibling company.. Hiaks.. I dun noe.. Guess tt would b perfect then, if i manage 2 find a guy whom i can rely on and trust again.. But then again, nothing is perfect right?
I stil remember a fren B, he told me tt everyone deserve e best.. N if e other person do nt treasure you, he’s nt the best.. I wil always remember this.. This is one of e phrase tt helps me 2 pull myself back on my feet.. Also, another phrase is ‘happiness is not a destination, it is a journey’ which simplys mean happiness shd nt b felt  after doing a series of things, happiness shd b felt during e process.. This was a quote written by some writer n given 2 me by serene, who had been very supportive and welcomed me when i flew halfway round e world 2 new york 2 think bout my marriage last yr… Thanks serene!  Actually there had been so many friends who had been supportive n who had put up with my nonsense like crying n bawling, at my most vulnerable times.  So 2 all those who had been by my side (u know who u r out there), THANK YOU SO MUCH! U guys helped me 2 pull through, without you guys’ encouraging words n tots, i wouldnt hv made it.. Havent said thanks 2 u guys yet..
I do nt know if my expectation had increased when im finding a partner.. Guess it wil be good rite?  And i guess i shd know myself thoroughly so as 2 find someone who complements me n i complement him..
Damn, kena arrow 2 do presentation.. Pui.. Same dept arrow own ppl.. Nb.. Next time i oso arrow e fellow.. Angry.. Stil say ‘ivy, can u b e presenter?’ can say no meh? Lan lan, say ok lah.. Pui..
Aniwe, wat the hell.. Present present lah.. Sure kena call 2 do e presentation de.. Out of 6 groups, only 2 wil b selected.. This type of bad things i sure kena.. Pui..
Hmm… Train of tots kena disrupted.. Nw discussing but dun wish 2 take part.. Jus keep quiet since im gg 2 do presentation anyway..
Break for one & half hours for lunch
nw back 2 waiting again.. Waiting 4 the 2nd half of forum 2 start.. I think i am unlike others who only spend half a lifetime waiting.. I think i spend my whole lifetime waiting cos im always waiting for the right one 2 come along since i nv met e right one.. Hiaks!  I think im gg 2 fall asleep again.. Got 2 write 2 keep myself awake.. Hiaks!
Dun know if there r people out there who reads my blog but doesnt really matter cos this  blog is more of like a diary for me.. Next time if im bored, i can always read my own blog 4 some amusement.. Hiaks cos many ppl say my blog is interesting n funny.. And i think many frens out there would noe more about me n my updates with this ba.. Hee.. So for those who dun hv time 2 meet up n catch up with me, u can read my blog religiously 4 updates.. Sometimes its fun reading others blog cos everyone’s life is a story… Mayb my life is full of ups n more downs tt is y ppl read ba.. Hiaks! Think i want 2 catch a short nap with my eyes open.. Hahaha! 
1 hr later
nw waiting again.. C? One day can wait 4 so many times le.. Heng ah!! No need 2 do presentation.. Whahaha.. Ok, forgive e e new guy since in e end no need 2 present.. Hiaks! Hmm, someone complimented me again 2day.. Say i wear uniform very smart but tot i always do? Hiaks! When i nt fat lah.. Then yesterday got a colleague say when he talking 2 me, i reminds him of e character ‘fei fei’ or ’shen jing puo’ in ‘huang jing lu’/the golden path e 9 oclock chinese show on channel 8.. Then i ask him wats similar, then he say cant really point out oso.. Whaha.. So funny, when he said that i really want to laugh.. I think mayb i am loud n brash ba, n straightforward.. Actually after i lost a lot of weight, had been receiving compliments frm e guys as well as e gals.. Its gd 2 feel gd again n also 2 feel attractive again..

What is Love? Chapter 1

Okay, I promised to post my stories on my blog.  Pls note that this story was written a period of time from early 2007 till present… and may be continuing… so some of the things may be written about a year ago… well here is my love story, i named it ‘WHAT IS LOVE?’ and i will post part by part so just name this part CHAPTER 1 ba…

‘WHAT IS LOVE?’ - CHAPTER 1

What is love?  The love story of my life has been very colorful even though I am just 28 years old.  I cannot say that I am very experienced in life however it has been difficult and I believed that it will be more difficult as time comes.  Maybe I am just pure bad luck or maybe it is just kharma.  I don’t really know nor have I any idea on what had happened or is happening.

                When I was young, I do not believe in love.  Probably because my parents divorced when I was just seven years old.  And I still remember the reason why my mother had decided to divorce my father.  The reason is simple: He had an affair with a prostitute behind my mother’s back.  My mother was devastated when she found out my father’s infidelity.   I had followed my mother to trail my father when she was tracking him down on his whereabouts.  And he would go to the same house welcomed by a woman at the same location.  It’s been so long and I can’t remember where the place was and how the other woman looked like.  However, I can remember that my mother is so much prettier than the other woman. 

Seriously, I think my father is blind.  What the hell.  The last time I heard about him was that he was arrested overseas for criminal intimidation against his lover.  That he used a chopper to threaten her or something like that.  Subsequently, I also heard rumors that he went to prison for his stupid actions.  But that was the last of him I heard.  Anyway, I don’t really care about him.

I do not really have any recollection of my father and I wish that I don’t.  To have hurt someone who is so dear to me whom is my mother, I hate him.  If one day I were to see him begging in the streets, I will not even take a look at him.  And if he is dying and need help, I don’t think I will help too.  What kind of father is he?  Useless bugger… But I am over it.  It took me six years before I can talk to others about my family without crying.  I hated my father so much but now, he just does not exist in my memories anymore.  Or should I say that I never had a father. 

My mother is a strong and independent woman.  She brought my elder brother and me up single-handedly.  Sometimes I wished that I be like her, a strong and independent woman.  I thought that I was like her but I guessed that I’m wrong.  Being faced with the same situation, I think I will not be able to take it and leave my loved one.  Just like what I am facing now.  Everything started in Aug 2006.  Till now which is Mar 2007.  But I will not go to that first.  It just hurts too much to talk about it.  I will start with the background on my past relationships and my life.  From there, maybe at the end of my story, I will realize that I have my decision and why things turn out to be this way.

I was born on 27^th January 1979.  It was Chinese New Year’s Eve.  My mother had to spend her new year at the hospital with me.  Am I bad luck or what from the start?  Memories of my first few years were blurred.  I only know that my mother takes good care of my elder brother and me and that my father has always gambled after working.  To make ends meet, my mother had to be a seamstress, sewing the clothes from a nearby factory with her sewing machine to earn some money which was not enough to feed my father’s addiction. They were always quarrelling over money because there was just not enough even to put food on the table.  However, my mother has never let us down, even though the food on the table is simple, at least there is porridge still. 

I had never thought that my parents’ relationship was in any trouble.  The most, they will fight over money and my mother will end up crying.  As I was very close to my mother when I was a child, I cried alongside with her.  I did not know why she was crying then because she did not say anything.  But while I grew up during the years, I found out the reason myself.  My mother still refused to tell me then.  But as I am a sensitive person, I pick up signals and signs very quickly and usually my deductions are correct.  My father had kept a woman who was a prostitute as his mistress.  Moreover, the woman was much uglier than my mother.  I think I saw her once during the undercover operations I had with my mother, to follow my father around.

My mother filed for divorce when she collated enough evidence of his infidelity.  The process was not long from what I recall but still, I could see that my mother was also upset and afraid.  She was afraid that she could not care for my brother and me as she does not have any work experience at all.  But she persisted and she did it.  She managed to find a job as a sales promoter at a supermarket.  Though the pay was not very high, it was barely enough as she had to pay for everything from the house, to the bills, to our school fees, to daily spending. 

I can still remember that just after the divorce, because my mother had to go to work, I spend many days away from home at different relatives’ houses.  I had changed a few kindergartens due to the shifting from one of the relative’s house to another.  Playing was the only way to escape the reality that I come from a broken family.  Playing was the only way to remembering who I still am, a kid… So I played a lot with my cousins and my brother.  Every day was just playtime, from day to night.  Homework is homework.  Maybe I am smart and I did not have problems with school when I was young.  Or should I say my school days all the way to university.

Stay tuned for the next chapter… maybe every week I will post one chapter…

Late nights past 2 nights

Aaarrraaggghhh!!! TIRED!!! had been having late nights these few nights because of chatting to friends whom i haven’t contact for a while over the net… was kinda shocked to hear about the updates about this friend… life is unpredictable isn’t it?  tot only my life is unpredictable (see : life is like a box of chocolates/crap) hiaks…

I have a friend who said i was ‘ba gua’ recently… nosy in english… but usually if it’s hearsay, i will be curious to know lah… but if it’s the first person who tells me about it, I will not leak the information out lor… i mean it’s personal and if the person trusts to tell you about it, i dun think it’s appropriate to go spread it like CNN… oh, this friend said that i was ba gua because i got a habit of saying ‘oei, jiang leh! jiang leh!’ hahaha… i know of my habit too but i do it on them most of the time because they like to whisper in front of me while looking at me… i may be sensitive but it’s kinda obvious that they are talking about me right?  And then they laughed after whispering… if the thing they are talking about is funny, then share lah, even if it is about me, i dun mind lor… funny things must share then laugh together mah… Anyway, maybe my friends dun like to tell me things because they always leave me out… gathering email also never send to me… wah piang… so sad leh, I am always the initiator and then they can forget about me… Right Mr Ho?  Hiaks… nvm… it’s okay… you didn’t do it on purpose…

Then I have another friend who told me that my blog is interesting and it’s like reading a story… Yes, if you are the friend (you know who you are), as long as you are amused by my blogs, take it as a de-stress source ba.. ya, my blog like story… I mean, blogs are like autobiographies written in a lousy manner right?  Hiaks… actually last time when I was in courtship, I would write about my love and write poems for my partner (wah, so romantic hor!)… However, as the relationship progressed, more time spent together with partner so no time to write in diary so the diary is chucked elsewhere… when the relationship ends, then somehow, when I am clearing old stuff, I would always chance upon the diary and flip it open to read… it always is so heart wrenching to read about how loving my partner and myself were before… Then before I finish reading it, I will burn it, together with the photos… too painful to read… in a way it’s good cos’ it is a kind of closure… that everything is over… ya, good to have closure…  oh yes, and I do have the story of my love life and I said that I will post it here… Hmm… should I make the names annoynomous?  I think I should… erm, anyway, my love story only about my boyfriends… did not include suitors hor… not that I forget about you guys but story will be too long if I added you guys in… we will always be good friends ya?? (many of them in friendster oso, better dun name cos’ many of them all married or attached le).. hiaks… See how ba… actually my story should be familiar, many ppl would have the same love story… aiyah, my life not so colourful if told in certain episodes I choose nia… maybe more colourful if told in full, hiaks, but some things are secret right??  Sssshhhh….

Oh yes, Estelle is feeling better… hopefully she can recover by this weekend… can’t wait to see her again… missed her so much…

Jus came back from a jog of 5 km… can’t run for shit… I HATE RUNNING!!! But no choice, it’s exercise day every Wednesday… for those who wants to live a healthy lifestyle, can come join me every Wed at ECP B2 carpark at about 5 plus… will be there till 6 plus after running to Mac and back… provided it does not rain and I dun have meetings… I prefer to swim though… those who want to jio me to swim also can… but I swim 40 laps at a go, so must have time to swim lah… Anyway, I got green light to ROLLERBLADE!!! For my exercise day liao lor… whahaha… no need to run every week… maybe I alternate lor… Hmm…

Need to go bath liao… stinky after run… how come still look fat???!!! Damn!!!

Estelle is getting better

Estelle had been better over the past weekend..  She’s back to her normal self, very active and happy and running all over and talkative… However, still got a bit of mang zhangness… She is having diarreoha but not that bad cos’ it’s not that often… gave her some medication to control her diarreoha… Hopefully she recovers by today…

Was so worried that she would not recover… And I think she got sick of eating medicine cos’ it was quite tough getting her to eat her medicine this week when previously, she will volunteer to have medicine herself (by pushing the medicine in the syringe into her own mouth!!)… so got to like bluff her into making her eat her medicine…

Her appetite also gone back to normal however still on fish porridge because of her diarreoha… had been on porridge since 2 weeks ago… if she recovers by this weekend, is going to cook her pasta or noodles or fried rice so that at least it’s a change for her…

And during the weekend, had been a long time since I heard her laughing during her sleep… most of the time, she will cry during her sleep but the past weekend, there was once she laughed out loud, so I guess she must have a very funny dream or what… Hee… so funny… and yes, she is the type who will talk in her sleep… she can suddenly shout ‘wo bu yao!’ in her sleep (usually this is the phrase)…

Estelle is bilingual.. Can speak and understand both English and Mandarin.. And she will auto switch between these 2 languages.. She will see who she is talking to and depending on who it is, she will switch… She sounds really cute when she speaks Mandarin… Like those ‘ang mo’ speaking Mandarin… Hee…

Can’t wait to see her again this weekend… Man, she’s really growing up fast!!! And that means, man, I’m really growing old fast too… Hai…

Estelle is still sick…

Estelle is still sick… How I wish that I can take over her place… I mean, let her be well and let me be sick… when I see her unwell, I feel very upset because I can’t make her well with a touch… the most i can do is to make her feel as comfortable as possible even though she’s sick…

Now I know how mothers feel or at least how my own mother feels.. they are very protective towards their own children and would want the best for them… However, children do grow up… My mum was devastated when I declared that I was getting a divorce.. I did not tell her what happened, all I told her was, it doesn’t matter what happened, Things happened and the marriage is beyond salvage so the best solution is to get a divorce… But it’s a small world and others do see what is happening and word gets around… Anyway, I didn’t tell her on the onslaught of the problem because I wanted to solve the problem myself… I did not want her to worry unnecessarily… Probably my brother and myself were brought up this way… To solve our own problems first and dun bother the others… This is called independance right? 

But as a mother, if something like this happens to Estelle, I would feel the same way my mum felt… Hmm… I am trying to let her be independant and make her own choices even now because I want her to learn the fact that you are responsible for your own actions - be it good or bad… That’s how I learnt too…  My mother did not decide which school I go to (at least from secondary school onwards) or which ECA I should take or which subjects I should study, what time I should be home, which friends I should mixed with etc.. She was skeptical when I switched from science stream in JC to arts subject in uni… She always tot that by doing science, I will have better job prospect… But I want to take something that I am interested in like psychology… Went to Arts & Social Sciences just for that subject… I didn’t regret it because I had this interest since young and had been reading up about this subject since secondary school… Hiaks… the Human Brain/Behavior is always so fascinating isn’t it?  And yes, live with no regrets… Life is too short for regrets… If I were to live my life again, I will relive it the same way because if i dun, I will not become who I am today…

Recently my mum had been a bit controlling over me and probing into my life after I moved back… I guess she’s just being concerned but sometimes it’s irritating when she gets too concerned… anyway, everytime she does that, I will tell her that I know what I’m doing and stuff like that so as she will not worry about me.. Hai…

Well, hope that Estelle will grow up to be as independant…

it just takes one second and one sentence to have your whole day spolit

See title.. Maybe I am a person who takes things too seriously… Maybe I’m not… Or I am just selective on what the things are and from there, either I dun care or I care too much…

Whenever I feel affected by some things that had been said to me, I will tell myself to cool down (something which I had learnt from a dear friend) and just to take deep breaths to cool myself down and not focus on the anger… It’s like sometimes I get so angry that I will cry… Not cry due to sadness but due to anger…

I must not let just one person spoil my day.. sometimes ppl are just insensitive right?  I just want to be nasty back too however, if i talk nasty back, i think it will never end so I guess, as usual, I have to swallow my pride and cool down… *pui* I believe in retribution so I  hope that fellow gets what he deserves… Haha, or I will just scold ‘f… you’ behind his back… Hiaks! at least get to scold still right? 

Actually I dun really care what ppl say about me… but when they say something which is close to my heart or something which important to me, I will be affected by it… that is y i say that my whole day can be spolit in just one second and one sentence…

Think I should pick up meditation, might be good for me… Or maybe this fellow is the only one who can make my mood go to the dumps, make me feel small… Damn it! Must not let him get to my head… sometimes I wonder how did i get along with him previously?  I dun wish to hate ppl because hating ppl takes alot of effort… Anyway, he’s just screwed up, that’s all i can say… Hiaks! 

Have you ever dream about the person you hate/dislike dying in your dreams?  And how you wish it does happen in real life right?  I guess it’s just a normal reaction or a normal way the brain functions… But sometimes dreams do come true so have to be careful for what you wish for… Hmm…

Life is too short to hate ppl… I’m a forgiving person so what the hell… let him do whatever he likes ba, as long as he is happy…  so what if he treats me as if I’m the bad guy?  Hiaks.. I can forgive but I will never forget… It’s not that I bear grudges or what but the events will remain in my mind and hard for me to get out of my memory system…

Important thing is : WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND…

Can’t be everywhere all the time

Estelle started school today.  However, I was not there to grace the event..  I guess I have mixed feelings towards whether I should be there or not because I didn’t want her to stick to me at school and by not being there, at least she will only yearn for her daddy who is there to accompany her… Dun know why but she’s extremely stuck on to me… She’s cute and will post her picture in school uniform here soon… Hiaks… Heard from her daddy that she did not cry while the other new kids on the block was crying big time in class and one had to leave the class because the kid was crying non stop for 2 hours… Estelle even went to the crying kid to console her leh… wah piangz… how matured can she be??? for her age… I always knew she had it in her.. you know, something like ‘da jie da’ kinda thing in her… come to think of it, just like me leh… whahaha… anyway, was comforted that at least she does not have seperation anxiety at school… Was hoping that I can see her attend school for the first time though… but well, sometimes you just can’t be there everytime she does ‘this’ or ‘that’ for the first time right?  Children grows up and by the time they are in upper primary, i think you can forget about them sticking to you or being close to you cos friends are more impt… I had been through that phase, i know… hiaks.. But come to think of it, they really grow up fast… she was just a baby a year ago and now she can reason with me and her memory is, i think, better than mine… it’s like things happen months ago or you tell her one thing months ago, she can remember it lor… how I wish I had that kinda memory power now… Ha.. I think I am getting old… the older Estelle gets, shows that I’m getting old too… Hai… sad but true… :P

Damn, I’m getting closer to the BIG 3… i still remember when i was getting closer to the BIG 2… shit, and i’m in the last year of my twenties… damn… start to spot the wrinkles and the additional white hair…. especially when it’s near to my birthday every year, I will start to think how old i’m getting and where I have reached in life… seems like I have lived 29 years (in 20 days’ time) but had gone nowhere yet… Hmm… well, one accomplishment will be Estelle… for the moment… bringing her into a useful adult (21 years old) would be another accomplishment when I am 47 years old (damn! old auntie liao, cannot bloody imagine I’m tat old)..

I remembered my first day of school at K1… nowadays kids are going to school much earlier because both parents are at work… last time, at least there’s still the housewife mothers to look after the kids and kids will only attend school at age 5… I did not cry too… and I blended in well, even though I might look at bit ‘dao’, but I was friends with many and I’m kinda the ringleader among friends… hiaks… big sister lol… all throughout school, i was different with other kids/children/students… I did not really have best friends in school but more of different groups of friends to hang out with, or should i say, have friends everywhere.. You can say, I’m a floater… I float here to there and there to here and when it comes to social gatherings, I’m really busy because I talk to everybody… Hiaks.. I think Estelle will somewhat be like me… But of course, talking to everybody only limits to those I know… I am quite ‘dao’ when it comes to strangers… dun really like to make small talk with ppl I dun know and I dun like to make friends with strangers… anyway, it doesn’t matter since I look ‘dao’ right?  whahaha…

Okay, look out for Estelle’s picture of her in her school uniform soon… Hee…

Family dinner last night

Last evening, since my parents and my brother was not working, I asked them out for dinner.  We rarely have proper lunches or dinners together, whereby we sit down at the table as a family and talk over food.  Yesterday wasn’t really a family dinner because Estelle was not around (actually if she is around, we wouldn’t have a proper dinner cos’ she will be really noisy.. and she likes to AA - attract attention.. but she’s really poor thing cos’ she had been sick and was recently diagnosed with gastric flu… currently with her daddy recuperating)..

When I asked them out, my brother actually replied this ‘What is the occasion?  how come ask us out for dinner?’  I was like stunned, flabbergasted.. And I replied ‘Do you need a reason to have dinner together?’  I nearly fainted… OMG, it’s kinda pathetic… But probably the last time I asked them out to have dinner was like 6 mths ago when I announced over dinner that I am moving out of my matrimonial house… so I think he was asking cos’ he thought that I might have something to announce again… whahaha… but that was not the last time we had dinner together… I remembered that we went for dinner when it was Estelle’s birthday in Sept…

On a serious note, I guessed I might have isolated myself alot when i got married..  I seldom visit my family and seldom meet up with friends… my married life was only revolving around my own nuclear family… Anyway, I had been catching up with family/relatives, friends etc… Actually it takes a lot of effort to even come out for a coffee… sometimes you just ask them however they are not free because they are busy with their own life too… it’s not easy even asking the whole family cos’ everyone is busy also… Hiaks… Therefore, I really applaud those families who make it a point to gather together once a week to have dinners together, esp. those big families…

Hmm, maybe should do it more often.. I did suggest cooking at home ie everyone will choose to cook something and we will sit down and eat properly however, i think my brother is lazy (Ivan : if you are reading this, yes, I am saying it, you are lazy lor.. if not, when will you be cooking dinner for us?)… Hiaks… I think I should suggest it again… I think it would be really fun though..

Sometimes when we get too busy with our own lives, we tend to forget those who are really close to us.. even though you see each other everyday, you dun even manage to talk 10 sentences each day… maybe my family members are all very independent and we dun really talk much unless there is a debate (my mother and my brother are very good debaters and all of the time, they have their own theories without any scientific background)… a debate arises when all of us disagree on something and then we start to reason out, most of the time, we leave without any winners.. Hiaks… Difficult to convince each other i guess…

I wrote this to remind myself that I should engage my family more, even though I had to be the initiator which usually do the shit work of calling, encouraging etc… Eh, come to think of it, I am the initiator with my friends oso… *pui*… Hahaha.. If no one do the shit work, it’s gotta be me right?  Hai…

Anyway, family will always be there for you… because they are blood ties… no matter what, they will never turn you away when you are in trouble and they will always stand by you.. if not always, also most of the time…

2008 - a new start

Happy New Year!!! to all those who actually open up my blog to read them.. Hiaks… Anyway, tot maybe I should start writing a diary or something again… but of course, with some censored part ya… after all, this is accessible by public… :P

My new year’s resolution for this year will be to finalize my divorce and to move on with my life… my marriage had been on the rocks since 2006 and it could have been settled sooner however, I realise, it’s not so easy to get a divorce (I mean, not feelings but other stuff like matrimonial assets, child custody, maintanence etc).. It was already difficult to handle the emotions and after finally waking up my idea, comes all the technical/legal stuff… I just want to get it over with so that at least I know what to say/put when ppl ask me for my status : single/married/seperated/divorced etc…  hahaha… most of the time, i just leave it blank?  cos’ I dun even know where i stand… anyway, should be seperated since i’m no longer staying under the same roof… For those who dun know, I have moved back home with my mum at Sengkang.. I no longer stay at Punggol..

2006 and 2007 had been screwed up… didn’t expect 2006 to be screwed up but predicted 2007 was as screwed up as 2006 and I was right… I guess 2008 and 2009 will be the same… maybe outlook for 2010 will be better but crossing fingers… sometimes you prepare for the worst so nothing can be worse than that… Hiaks…

Life is like a box of chocolates… you never know what you are going to get… you never know whether it is chocolate or crap until you bite into it… Hee… You tot it’s chocolate but when you realise you had crap in your mouth, you either continuing eating it (hoping that chocolate tastes like crap & thinking it’s not crap : constitutes to living in a lie) or you spit it out (good riddance!) but the taste of crap still lingers in the mouth… takes some time to get rid of the crappy taste before you put another chocolate in the mouth.. and definitely the next time you want to put one in the mouth, you really think hard if it is crap again… kinda afraid and skeptical about your choice… some ppl would chose not to put any chocolate in the mouth again… but for me, i think i would… you never know it’s chocolate or crap until you taste it in your mouth so y not??  since you would have a blast if it’s chocolate (for me, I will orgas when I have chocolate in the liquid form, ya ha, i’m very sensitive to food).. if it’s crap, just yell ‘Too bad! Better luck next time!’ and take some time to get the crappy taste out of the mouth and start all over again… :P that’s life right? whahaha..

It hasn’t been easy for me for the past 2 years… But I am glad and proud of myself to be able to crawl out of my hole… I was drowning myself in self-pity before however, I told myself I can’t do that for long… I had to stand up, I had to move on… And finally I did it… for many friends out there, they may think that I’m a very strong person… maybe I am however, I feel that when it comes to emotions, I’m a very weak person.. Just what I feel about myself… I think all of my friends would think that Ivy would be able to do it, to move on with life and get over it and that they need not worry about me doing silly things… Ya, I did it but took a lot of effort and thoughts…

Somehow or rather, I’m really unlucky when it comes to love… give so much and yet, ppl take you for granted… Well, looks to me were really impt when finding a partner but I guess I understand now… sometimes a guy may not be handsome but his character and personality may be so much better than a handsome guy… Hiaks!! I wrote my love history in my laptop… still can’t find out what was my problem with choosing the wrong guys as partners after reading it time and again… Hmm, maybe I will share it some time in my blog but it’s long… I guess I just dun have the luv luck… Hiaks…

Estelle is 28 months old and she’s so CUTE!!! and I’m glad that I’m mother to such a cute girl… Hee… Being a mother is not easy, esp. when she’s starting to ask so many questions, starting to reason, starting to learn things… i want the best for her and yes, I can’t give her a complete family, but i can give her the rest… Have to make her realise that sometimes things just dun go your way and you will have to live with that… Think it will take another 10 years before she understand that phrase… well, I will definitely do my best in caring for her… I’m sure her daddy will do the same… I just hope that she will not feel unloved… Anyway, I believe that she inherited some of my strong points which are courage and resiliance… She will be grow up to understand the whole situation of her family…

Okay for now… Sorry for those friends whom I am not able to catch up with due to other committments… But frankly, I had been catching up with so many friends since I have more time by myself… Hiaks… well, will continue to make that effort this year ya?!  Hee.. Cheerios!!!